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Newest Member: Chilli (47017)

User Topic: Annoying comment
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably shouldn't care, but we were out with friends a while back. Some of them know about what happened. And I think this was just her attempt at an awkward segue into complaining, but one of the wives told me, "One thing that's good about [her husband] is that I'd never have to worry about him cheating because he doesn't have much of a sex drive. We don't do it that often and he doesn't even masturbate."

OK, so TMI aside - I guess she's implying that somehow I was inadequate to satisfy my H's sex drive. Because that's why people cheat, right. Glad she'll never have to worry about that!


It just irritates me, the way people don't think before they speak.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 7187 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he doesn't have much of a sex drive. We don't do it that often and he doesn't even masturbate.

Should have told her that is the number one sign a husband is cheating.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Jun 2012
Pentup
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, she just described my h and he cheated. I think she probably has more to worry about because maybe he is "getting it" elsewhere. you could share that with her if she opens her annoying luckily uneducated on the topic piehole again.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6870 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would honestly be stunned if he ever cheated on her - and this is coming from someone who's fairly jaded now. But I know no one is ever safe, truly.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 7187 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
thecosmogirl
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I would honestly be stunned if he ever cheated on her "

Ha!! There are SEVERAL stunned people in our lives now. Friends of his, friends of mine, friends of both and many employees.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore


D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 215 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a dumb comment. Affairs aren't about sex. They're about poor self esteem and boundaries and some people's constant need for validation.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha!! There are SEVERAL stunned people in our lives now. Friends of his, friends of mine, friends of both and many employees.

Add myself and FWH! to that list.

Sorry to T/J.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, she wasn't saying you don't satisfy your husband. She was saying her husband doesn't satisfy her.

The setup she described--little sex and no masturbation (cuz all husbands report their masturbation to their wives)---actually is pretty worrisome to me. Sexual anorexia is characteristic of a cheater.


BS-me, 53
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9493 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
TXBW68
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent 6 years BEGGING for more sex!! He used the excuse that I was "too much work" and that masturbating was faster for him when he just wanted to get off in the middle of the week. I got one session a week on Saturday or Sunday. The quality was fantastic. I had issues with the quantity.

What I didn't know was that he wasn't just watching porn, he was actively participating in sext/video chats with porn chicks and real life women he met on the internet. Three of his OW were thru the internet.

IMO, Your friend is fooling herself....


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ 34716
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I would honestly be stunned if he ever cheated on her "
Ha!! There are SEVERAL stunned people in our lives now. Friends of his, friends of mine, friends of both and many employees.

Color both our families and all our friends stunned. As well as those in the Church that know.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1317 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
WoundedOpus
♀ 39521
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We didn't have sex often, FWH did not have a high sex drive (it's still not as high as mine), and rarely (borderline never) masterbated. He wasn't the type to use sexual innuendoes, and NEVER talked about sex with friends, even in a joking way.

He had an affair...there is not one person that isn't shocked or would be shocked to find out.

Your friend is fooling herself, and rude as hell. Some people just have no filter


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Seven years of Limbo

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(cuz all husbands report their masturbation to their wives)

Yeah, usually via an ecard.

Wow, Jana, her sensitivity chip must have short circuited.

That's a total "bless your heart" moment, and I'm not even southern.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bless her heart is right! And she was tipsy. But still. Gahhhh.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 7187 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
MartlArts
♀ 36130
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps it's a means she uses to reassure herself - e.g., sometimes when a person hears of an acquaintance getting cancer, they think to themselves - "gosh, what a shame! well, at least I don't have to worry about getting cancer, because I've never smoked, always use sunscreen, etc." People hearing about a traumatic event happening to someone else sometimes want to reassure themselves that it could never happen to THEM.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jul 2012
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Total Agreement.

Mr. Peckerwood basically ruined our sex life as he solidified things with OW and got more and more involved with her and his online cheating. He pulled away from me at the same time and further, tried to blame me and call me dysfunctional and other things.

One thing that I've been told by counselors is that cheating is sometimes also about control. Mr. Peckerwood felt like he was not in control at "our house" if I even questioned the slightest thing and it was advised to me that one reason he may have cheated was because he wanted to control someone, at any expense.

And the boundary problem matches, with some other things on the thread.

He took to sleeping in another room at one point and this was a red flag, FWIW, as it was not long after that his "behavior" started to change.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2524 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
mangledmom
♀ 31622
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAWH had a serious porn addiction. He always went and rented 2 movies every time we had sex. He also did nothing but watch porn from his phone and had started looking at Craigslist ads. He would literally spend a collective amount of 2ish hours during an 8hr shift looking at porn in the bathroom and he was the manager! He said at times his feet went numb. After.he was caught sexting one girl, i accepted blame, and turned it up in the bedroom. We fought alot before that becausehe couldn't keep his hands off me in very inappropriate ways, like groping me in my pants with the kids around . I allowed myself to be degraded, he actually hurt me a few times, and we had lots of crazy sex. He was already cheating w/OW#2. When I found out, I was devastated he could hurt me, but now everyone knew and holy shit I thought people had seen a ghost.

We HB, then he turned more cold, hateful, angry, and raged. He became abusive, laughed at me, and scary. During that time, I was becoming more ok with my sexuality and sexual wants and needs. I wanted sex, and in good times I had to BEG for even a touch or hug. At times we were once every week to 10 days, and many times he couldn't finish or even stay up. In therapy for a year straight, I have discussed this drastic flip. Shs said he's avoiding, or aka sexual anorexia, which is incredibly normal in the progression of SA. I figured he'd work it out in IC since he refused SA meetings.

Well, I was beginning to feel desperate and so unwanted . My baby girl had mid April, I followed on the 30th. When I woke up, my world became a nightmare! I discovered that in the previous 8mnths, while I was desperate and begging my hubs to just touch me and basically "screw me", he buying prostitutes....19 to be exact. He never had an issue keeping it up or finishing from all the reviews I read. That can be a serious esteem killer.

My rambling point....your friend shouldn't be so confident and naive, anx you shouldn't feel it's you. Funny thing is, I've ALWAYS had a healthy sex drive. Sawh was truly the one witb the issues. It's hard to wanna have sex with someone that requires a porn everytime he's with you or that can't even shower every other day yet expects you to kiss or expects oral but can't have good hygiene down there (wouldn't show for days after working outside and left a dirty spot on the sheet from.filth) or can't even treat you decent. I always WANTED sex, just not under those conditions. So, don't be down on yourself.


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mangledmom, I'm sorry. That's awful. Nobody should have to deal with that.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 7187 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because he doesn't have much of a sex drive. We don't do it that often and he doesn't even masturbate."

Then I found out my exWH was a sex addict, with a 12+ hour a day porn/sexting habit and two affairs that I learned about...

If someone who is healthy and in the prime of life (male or female) has zero sex drive, then that is a red flag. I'm not talking mismatch (I want it every day, they want it once a week) Either something is going on biologically or psychologically.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15452 | Registered: Jun 2006
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People don't want to catch the infidelity bug so they project all the ways their marriages are "safe" and how they are "not" you. They are above infidelity and this would "never" happen to them.

This is projecting 101. They are scared shitless because they worry it could very easily happen to them.

It is a defense mechanism. Let it go. No one has a perfect marriage and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Insensitive, yes. Uneducated, yes.

It's always someone else until its them.

Perhaps the sex drive issue is bc she is a judgmental, opinionated, wench?

Let it go - she's clueless

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Apr 2013
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^This.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 417 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 20

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