SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

JanaGreen posted 7/16/2013 14:03 PM

I probably shouldn't care, but we were out with friends a while back. Some of them know about what happened. And I think this was just her attempt at an awkward segue into complaining, but one of the wives told me, "One thing that's good about [her husband] is that I'd never have to worry about him cheating because he doesn't have much of a sex drive. We don't do it that often and he doesn't even masturbate."

OK, so TMI aside - I guess she's implying that somehow I was inadequate to satisfy my H's sex drive. Because that's why people cheat, right. Glad she'll never have to worry about that!

It just irritates me, the way people don't think before they speak.

Jospehine85 posted 7/16/2013 14:05 PM

he doesn't have much of a sex drive. We don't do it that often and he doesn't even masturbate.

Should have told her that is the number one sign a husband is cheating.

Pentup posted 7/16/2013 14:07 PM

Well, she just described my h and he cheated. I think she probably has more to worry about because maybe he is "getting it" elsewhere. you could share that with her if she opens her annoying luckily uneducated on the topic piehole again.

JanaGreen posted 7/16/2013 14:10 PM

I would honestly be stunned if he ever cheated on her - and this is coming from someone who's fairly jaded now. But I know no one is ever safe, truly.

thecosmogirl posted 7/16/2013 14:32 PM

"I would honestly be stunned if he ever cheated on her "

Ha!! There are SEVERAL stunned people in our lives now. Friends of his, friends of mine, friends of both and many employees.

purplejacket4 posted 7/16/2013 14:35 PM

What a dumb comment. Affairs aren't about sex. They're about poor self esteem and boundaries and some people's constant need for validation.

fourever posted 7/16/2013 17:39 PM

Ha!! There are SEVERAL stunned people in our lives now. Friends of his, friends of mine, friends of both and many employees.

Add myself and FWH! to that list.

Sorry to T/J.

solus sto posted 7/16/2013 18:09 PM

No, she wasn't saying you don't satisfy your husband. She was saying her husband doesn't satisfy her.

The setup she described--little sex and no masturbation (cuz all husbands report their masturbation to their wives)---actually is pretty worrisome to me. Sexual anorexia is characteristic of a cheater.

TXBW68 posted 7/16/2013 18:23 PM

I spent 6 years BEGGING for more sex!! He used the excuse that I was "too much work" and that masturbating was faster for him when he just wanted to get off in the middle of the week. I got one session a week on Saturday or Sunday. The quality was fantastic. I had issues with the quantity.

What I didn't know was that he wasn't just watching porn, he was actively participating in sext/video chats with porn chicks and real life women he met on the internet. Three of his OW were thru the internet.

IMO, Your friend is fooling herself....

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 7/16/2013 18:35 PM

"I would honestly be stunned if he ever cheated on her "
Ha!! There are SEVERAL stunned people in our lives now. Friends of his, friends of mine, friends of both and many employees.

Color both our families and all our friends stunned. As well as those in the Church that know.

WoundedOpus posted 7/16/2013 18:52 PM

We didn't have sex often, FWH did not have a high sex drive (it's still not as high as mine), and rarely (borderline never) masterbated. He wasn't the type to use sexual innuendoes, and NEVER talked about sex with friends, even in a joking way.

He had an affair...there is not one person that isn't shocked or would be shocked to find out.

Your friend is fooling herself, and rude as hell. Some people just have no filter

uncertainone posted 7/16/2013 19:21 PM

(cuz all husbands report their masturbation to their wives)

Yeah, usually via an ecard.

Wow, Jana, her sensitivity chip must have short circuited.

That's a total "bless your heart" moment, and I'm not even southern.

JanaGreen posted 7/16/2013 21:16 PM

Bless her heart is right! And she was tipsy. But still. Gahhhh.

MartlArts posted 7/16/2013 21:23 PM

Perhaps it's a means she uses to reassure herself - e.g., sometimes when a person hears of an acquaintance getting cancer, they think to themselves - "gosh, what a shame! well, at least I don't have to worry about getting cancer, because I've never smoked, always use sunscreen, etc." People hearing about a traumatic event happening to someone else sometimes want to reassure themselves that it could never happen to THEM.

Ashland13 posted 7/16/2013 21:28 PM

Yes. Total Agreement.

Mr. Peckerwood basically ruined our sex life as he solidified things with OW and got more and more involved with her and his online cheating. He pulled away from me at the same time and further, tried to blame me and call me dysfunctional and other things.

One thing that I've been told by counselors is that cheating is sometimes also about control. Mr. Peckerwood felt like he was not in control at "our house" if I even questioned the slightest thing and it was advised to me that one reason he may have cheated was because he wanted to control someone, at any expense.

And the boundary problem matches, with some other things on the thread.

He took to sleeping in another room at one point and this was a red flag, FWIW, as it was not long after that his "behavior" started to change.

mangledmom posted 7/17/2013 06:02 AM

SAWH had a serious porn addiction. He always went and rented 2 movies every time we had sex. He also did nothing but watch porn from his phone and had started looking at Craigslist ads. He would literally spend a collective amount of 2ish hours during an 8hr shift looking at porn in the bathroom and he was the manager! He said at times his feet went numb. After.he was caught sexting one girl, i accepted blame, and turned it up in the bedroom. We fought alot before that becausehe couldn't keep his hands off me in very inappropriate ways, like groping me in my pants with the kids around . I allowed myself to be degraded, he actually hurt me a few times, and we had lots of crazy sex. He was already cheating w/OW#2. When I found out, I was devastated he could hurt me, but now everyone knew and holy shit I thought people had seen a ghost.

We HB, then he turned more cold, hateful, angry, and raged. He became abusive, laughed at me, and scary. During that time, I was becoming more ok with my sexuality and sexual wants and needs. I wanted sex, and in good times I had to BEG for even a touch or hug. At times we were once every week to 10 days, and many times he couldn't finish or even stay up. In therapy for a year straight, I have discussed this drastic flip. Shs said he's avoiding, or aka sexual anorexia, which is incredibly normal in the progression of SA. I figured he'd work it out in IC since he refused SA meetings.

Well, I was beginning to feel desperate and so unwanted . My baby girl had mid April, I followed on the 30th. When I woke up, my world became a nightmare! I discovered that in the previous 8mnths, while I was desperate and begging my hubs to just touch me and basically "screw me", he buying prostitutes....19 to be exact. He never had an issue keeping it up or finishing from all the reviews I read. That can be a serious esteem killer.

My rambling point....your friend shouldn't be so confident and naive, anx you shouldn't feel it's you. Funny thing is, I've ALWAYS had a healthy sex drive. Sawh was truly the one witb the issues. It's hard to wanna have sex with someone that requires a porn everytime he's with you or that can't even shower every other day yet expects you to kiss or expects oral but can't have good hygiene down there (wouldn't show for days after working outside and left a dirty spot on the sheet from.filth) or can't even treat you decent. I always WANTED sex, just not under those conditions. So, don't be down on yourself.

JanaGreen posted 7/17/2013 15:28 PM

mangledmom, I'm sorry. That's awful. Nobody should have to deal with that.

hurtbs posted 7/17/2013 16:25 PM

because he doesn't have much of a sex drive. We don't do it that often and he doesn't even masturbate."

Then I found out my exWH was a sex addict, with a 12+ hour a day porn/sexting habit and two affairs that I learned about...

If someone who is healthy and in the prime of life (male or female) has zero sex drive, then that is a red flag. I'm not talking mismatch (I want it every day, they want it once a week) Either something is going on biologically or psychologically.

1Faith posted 7/17/2013 16:43 PM

People don't want to catch the infidelity bug so they project all the ways their marriages are "safe" and how they are "not" you. They are above infidelity and this would "never" happen to them.

This is projecting 101. They are scared shitless because they worry it could very easily happen to them.

It is a defense mechanism. Let it go. No one has a perfect marriage and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Insensitive, yes. Uneducated, yes.

It's always someone else until its them.

Perhaps the sex drive issue is bc she is a judgmental, opinionated, wench?

Let it go - she's clueless

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

meplusfour posted 7/17/2013 16:47 PM

^^^^This.