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Trying to Find My Voice but feeling Guilty.

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Schilling posted 7/16/2013 14:33 PM

I am trying to find my voice.

Trying to express what I need from him to make our relationship work.

But I find it hard. I feel guilty for wanting to ask him to offer up his passwords, his cell phone etc yet, that's the only thing that I think will help me at this point. I am starting to wonder if the guilt is really fear, fear that I will be denied and forced to stand face to face with his choices to not comply and give fully and thus my choice Stay or Leave. But I really have no idea.. sometimes I have a tough time distinguishing between feelings/ emotions.

Things aren't good for us right now. I am struggling intensely and he doesn't understand.

The relationship has been good, fun and joyful, but there is this part of be that is sad because we have never, ever dealt with his cheating. I brought this up in therapy and he felt blind sided by my emotion and tears and totally shut down.

We haven't really spoken since then, just a couple of texts here and there.

I need a voice. Why do i feel so guilty to demand things that will help me? Have you ever felt like this...?

tushnurse posted 7/16/2013 15:17 PM

Sweetheart, don't be hard on yourself. There are some basic things that everyone needs for a successful R. One of those being transparency. Why would he not be willing to offer up these things if he is serious about R?
You are probably scared I get that, but life is too short to spend it walking on eggshells, unsure of what your partner is doing. Scared of when the next time willhappen.

I fhe doesn't understand the depth of his betrayal then he doesn't get it. You can tell him over and over, but until he really gets it, you are the one that suffers. You deserve to be treated with respect, and not be a back up plan or a second choice. It's ok if you demand the respect and he isn't able to give it. You are young, and you have plenty of time to move on to a healthy loving relationship.

You do sound codpendent from one former one to another, have you done any IC, or any work on this? When you learn to manage that, and become more independent you will find your voice. It will help you be strong. So if you need to that first then by all means do it.

Someone has a tagline, can't think of who at the moment, "We get the love we think we deserve." Meaning if you don't feel stong, and don't demand respect, and honesty you won't have a relationship that has that. Make sense?

Others will be along that can probably state this more clearly.

((((and strength))))

Schilling posted 7/16/2013 18:36 PM

I am in One on One therapy. It's been talked about in passing, but nothing in depth, possibly because we have bigger fish to fry right now.

My partner is not in One on One therapy, despite me asking him and him looking into it one time.

We are both very co-dependent. I am not sure my partner knows it, or understands it, but I do and I see it.

There is just so much more I need from him right now, but in the past, he has turned my requests against me and blames me for being insecure and smothering him, one time, he even blamed me for pushing him into another arms based on wanting access to his information.

In every other aspect of my life I am a strong, successful and independent women. But he makes me feel small and weak., even without trying.

meplusfour posted 7/16/2013 18:42 PM

But I find it hard. I feel guilty for wanting to ask him to offer up his passwords, his cell phone etc yet, that's the only thing that I think will help me at this point. I am starting to wonder if the guilt is really fear, fear that I will be denied and forced to stand face to face with his choices to not comply and give fully and thus my choice Stay or Leave. But I really have no idea.. sometimes I have a tough time distinguishing between feelings/ emotions.

Schilling, if he is truly remorseful and wanting to move towards R, he should be offering your his passwords, cell phone etc. because he wants to prove that he is worthy of being trusted.

I just read your profile and it does sound like his cheating was never truly dealt with. He has not done the hard work to fix himself, help you heal and regain your trust. He has given you reason after reason not to trust him. His actions and refusal to accept responsibility has made you doubt yourself and feel guilty for wanting to make sense of your relationship. Having his passwords, access to his cell phone might help you or but I think that what will really help you is recognizing that only he can truly change himself and prove himself a true partner in your R.

Find your voice. But find it for you, so that you can take control of your life back, with or without him. Not because you need to express to him what you need from the relationship but to express what you will accept and deserve.

Hugs to you.

Schilling posted 7/17/2013 11:12 AM

You are right. You are totally right.

I've always known that to be true, but for some reason, it's all hitting hard.. the reality of it all.

I keep thinking about what will happen if I were to sit him down and express the things I need. What his reaction would be. I don't see it going well but I am being drawn to do this, I feel like I need to do it. But it's scary.

mysticpenguin posted 7/17/2013 17:35 PM

Whoaaaaa. He blamed you for pushing him into another woman's arms? You know that's total bullshit, right? Please tell me you know that's bullshit.

Look at the facts. (It's so much easier to do this as an outsider looking in.)

- He's not giving you transparency (and I completely relate to being afraid to ask. At this point I don't want to be my WH's babysitter so I don't want transparency, but INITIALLY I did, and I didn't ask because I knew I'd be forced to face the fact that he wouldn't give it up, and what then? I wouldn't have ended the relationship over it. But his refusal would have bothered me forever. So I guess I rugswept that issue.)

- He's not taking responsibility for his actions (blameshifting, rugsweeping)

- He's told you point-blank that you shouldn't trust him

- He's not meeting your requirements for R (therapy)

What is he doing on the flip side of that coin? What is he doing to win you back and to show you that he is a safe partner for you?


fourever posted 7/17/2013 17:50 PM

We have a saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".
Don't sell yourself short. Unless he fixes himself, you will never trust him. Is that really the life you want for yourself? Is that the marriage? Do you want your children someday to live this way? They live what they see.

Unless you find a way to voice what you want and need, and he, without hesitation, say's "of course", I'd do anything for you, don't accept the crumbs. Crumbs are a lifetime of hurt, and you have more worth than that.

I'd like to see you get mad, REALLY ANGRY, pull on some bitch boots, and lay down the law.
A betrayed spouse should be treasured for letting the other even come home. Be treasured.

Schilling posted 7/17/2013 19:12 PM

I've heard it all over the last 10 years. So many different things I don't think he really has answers as to why he is a serial cheater.

We agreed to talk tonight. We will see what happens. I'm a mess. I've been a mess this whole week.

I don't know what will come of our conversation tonight, but I don't have a good feeling about it.

The flip side of the coin is mostly blind to me. He wants me to give blind faith and trust. He says that I "don't understand" how hard he tries and how much he struggles to not sleep with other women for me.

He does call me often, but, he's ALWAYS done that, even during his times of cheating, so it means something to him, but nothing to me.

I've explained this to him over and over but he just doesn't understand that I don't feel like there has been any progress for us. I've been right here in this very spot over and over again, but he views it differently because HE feels he is trying.

I fear the reality is I will lay down the law, I will tell him what I need from him and he will say no and then I will be faced with Stay or Go. Accept this crap or walk and it's scary. I rarely feel emotional and vulnerable but I've felt like this for days now and that a lone scares me.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/17/2013 19:26 PM

You deserve someone who will cherish you and be faithful.

He has a 10 year history of repeated cheating. He is sweet to you, even when he cheats, and that sucks you back in. He knows you will take crumbs, and that's all he is capable of giving.

He is not going to change, especially if you do not set boundaries. He may leave if you lay down the law...he was never really all "in" to begin with.

Do you realize that to all his other girlfriends, you are the "OW"? Do you want to be the OW, or do you want to be the only woman? Your SO is not going to change...but there are men out there who can be faithful (at least most of the time. )

I'd say leave him, he has brought you pain for 10 years.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 7:27 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

meplusfour posted 7/17/2013 19:35 PM

Gently, based on your profile you have been with him since you were 16. He was 26. At 26, his personality traits would have been much more developed than you were at 16. For the past ten years, he has shown you who he truly was. Since meeting him, you have grown into an emotionally developed individual who deserves to be appreciated for who you are.

I can understand the fear of being alone. But for your sake, being alone is healthier than subjecting yourself to more of his lies and uncertainty. He has undermined your self-esteem by not giving you the entire truth and by making you question your principles. He had had numerous opportunities to come clean, take a hard look at who he is and fix himself. He has not done so.

Have faith that you can survive this, you have made it so far already. Look at how much you have endured. Being alone does not mean unhappy. You were so young when you started your relationship with him. Rediscover who you truly are and recognize that you deserve respect and honesty. Take this time to read books, find new interests or resume old ones. Become comfortable with who you are, that you are complete by yourself. Define yourself as an individual, not as part of a couple.

I hope I have not been too rough on you, I have been reading your posts for awhile and I hate to see your suffering. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 7:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

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