Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Everyone here will tell you that you should. However, it's ultimately left to your judgement since it's all on a case by case basis. In my case, I did it because the communication wouldn't stop on the OM's behalf even after I told him I knew. Once his wife found out, it all hit the fan and it STOPPED!!!
In cases like these, I'm always afraid of violence since this can wake up the worst of emotions.
I did, however, provide my contact info. And as gently as I could, I told him what I knew about the affair---how it started, what it involved, when and where it was consummated, etc. I provided the little evidence I had (a couple of emails that eluded deletion, a message from OW asking me not to tell her husband, phone records).
I told NOT because I wanted OW or her family to feel the pain I did. Rather, I knew what it was like to suspect. And I knew OBS had suspected. I knew he was scurrying around trying to mend himself, make himself a better husband---and OW was really enjoying having both that AND my husband.
I couldn't bear the thought of another BS suffering as I had, not knowing what had changed in his marriage. He deserved to know it wasn't him.
He also needed to be tested for STDs, because my husband is pretty creepy in his proclivities---something I learned AFTER the most recent d-day.
What if she winds up getting married to this guy, only to find out he's a player. What if you find out she knows already and that he's been with multiple other women? Put's a new emphasis on STD testing. What if your WW is playing you and the A is still ongoing? Wouldn't a second set of eyes on the situation be more comforting?
Long and the short, tell. A's, like mushrooms thrive in the dark and feed on bull excrement. Expose this one to the light. All it takes for evil to thrive is for a good man to do nothing.
PS Welcome to the best club that no one ever wanted to join
Call her directly and tell her on the phone..no facebook...no email OM knows you know,so he is probably watching for you to attempt contact with her.
Do NOT tell your WW that you are going to tell her..don't warn her...she will call OM and warn him so he can tell his BGF that you're crazy,jealous,accusing every male your WW knows of cheating with your WW,etc,etc.
It also means there is another set of eyes on the situation..so the affair going underground or starting back up is less likely.
And she may be able to uncover info..emails,texts,hotel receipts,etc,that you are unaware of. It may help put a few of the puzzle pieces together.
It is not revenge or hateful to tell someone the truth. Will it hurt her? Oh yes. But she needs to know.
One of the worst things about all of this is that everyone else makes decisons for your life...her WBF has betrayed her and exposed her to God-knows-what..your WW has interfered in her marriage..and very gently..you are deciding whether she gets to know this truth about her life.
You feel you deserved to know..right?
So does she.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:16 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
The betrayed partner ALWAYS has a right to know what is going on in their life behind their back.
I hear your reluctance and yet, I wish you would. You could be a hero in her life by simply speaking
your truth. Your small act of kindness could save her from linking herself (and possibly her children's lives) to a man who thinks only of himself and his needs.
NC went solid after that. I felt terrible about the tragic news on that poor woman because only I knew what it felt like, but it wasn't my doing. I was just reporting the facts as I would have liked to been told as well.