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what to do about the "I don't remember"s

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sikhari posted 7/16/2013 17:36 PM

I know a lot of you have probably already asked this question, but I think this is the biggest problem I have with trying to move on.

I want to know everything and I've told him this from the start, but he's only now coming around with giving me the truth about everything. He told me he's been lying because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I keep telling him it's already too late for that, you know?

Thing is, my boyfriend is really forgetful as it is. But, because he chose to outright lie to me already, I'm not sure that I can trust that he really can't remember.

So, when you guys get "I don't remember" how do you go about it?

musiclovingmom posted 7/16/2013 17:44 PM

I ask the same question in lots of different ways at different times through different mediums. When our conversations lead back to something that I think might help him remember, I ask then. Some things, he just honestly doesn't remember - even after 11 months of asking. I'm still trying to accept that.

thecosmogirl posted 7/16/2013 17:50 PM

I say things like "You better start remembering or I will forget that I'm offering you a chance at R!!"
May work, may not. But I do not put up the the "I don't knows" very well.
I tell him to really think. Think about exactly what day it was, what car were you driving, how many employees called in sick, wanted a draw on their checks, did you go to the bank and what time....stuff like that because if he can remember those mundane everyday details then he can remember A details.
And I keep asking. And keep asking because their mind does get clearer or they figure they better spill it if they know what's best and want to R.

fourever posted 7/16/2013 17:51 PM

I am sorry, I don't think you are in Reconciliation. I just read your profile, and I'm sorry to say, that you will be lucky to ever get the truth out of this guy. He's not forgetful, he's lying.

I try very hard to be supportive, but sometimes, I want to scream "Are you kidding me!!" This is one of those times.

From your description of home, you have been abused in some way, as many of us have, and are desperate to be loved, but this is not the way to get that.

What I read, from what you wrote, is he could care less. I'm so sorry, I hope you get yourself and baby out of this situation. Your child will be better off with one loving parent than two who don't mutually care for each other, and he certainly doesn't.

You have options, but you need to begin to think about what you want and what you want for your precious baby.

WhiteCarrera posted 7/23/2013 16:03 PM

I'll argue almost every time that, "I don't remember" is code for, "I don't want to tell you!"

When she tells me she doesn't remember, I like to tell her, "Okay -- well then let's talk about this again tomorrow, and by then you can try really hard to remember." I'm not calling her a liar (even though she is). Instead, I'm giving her an "out" -- a way to answer the question the next time, and also assuring her that there WILL BE a next time.

confused615 posted 7/23/2013 16:29 PM

"I don't know" and "I don't remember" = "I know,but I don't want to have to deal with your anger,hurt,and the fallout that will come if I answer this truthfully."

Tiny details..ok. But the big questions? They know.

I just read your profile. Honey..he had sex with her..and probably the coworker..and others. You need to be tested for STD's. You have a little boy who needs his mommy to be healthy.

Im so sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:35 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Shattered-Heart posted 7/23/2013 20:22 PM

I'm still struggling with this. Sometimes he remembers new things, and even if it opens up new wounds at *least* he's trying (finally) to tell the truth. There was a huge amount of TT (trickle truth), along with lies, denial, rugsweeping, you name it, for quite some time in the beginning.
My heart wrenches for you; mine also texted her while I was in labor in the hospital, and was distant and cold and I couldn't understand what the hell was happening. After trying so hard to have him (he wanted a baby, I already had two children who were pretty grown) it just blew my mind how could he be so horrible and messed up when we got together (also long distance like you guys). It's a lot to handle, and you're a strong lady.
But, and read it gently here, you have to make a decision here. What kind of family do you want for you and your son? Do you want one where the parents are honest, open, transparent and working together, or one where you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next gut feeling to come along, the next hurt? Babies pick up on our emotions more than we know. I know you love him, and want your family to work, but imho if you want to move forward in a way that is healthy for YOU you need to put your foot down. No more lies, no more rugsweeping. You need to decide what you need and STICK to your guns! Consequences, because until you are prepared to leave him, he may not wake up from this fog. And you need to do what is best for you and baby right now.
Think about what you need and want from him to be able to continue as a unit. What he needs to do to make you feel safe. What are your dealbreakers. Sit down and write it all down if you need to. Then sit him down and have a talk - schedule it when someone can watch your son if you can, so there are no distractions and he won't be upset if anyone raises their voices. Try not to get emotional (I KNOW, so much easier to say than do!!) - you are trying to get across to him that you love him very much, but this is the deal - he needs to step up to the plate and do x,y, and z consistently because the very real possibility of him losing everything is at hand. He needs to know you mean it, otherwise it's just empty words.
There's lots of good stuff in the healing library to read, and wiser and older members who will come along with more info, but just know we're thinking of you and here for you, and if you need a sounding board for what you're bringing to the discussion there's probably no better place than SI to get it.
hugs!

Later posted 7/23/2013 21:28 PM

I think there must be a genetic connection between poor memories and being prone to having affairs.

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