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When spouse leaves for somebody else

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darklilly23 posted 7/16/2013 17:38 PM


My question is how do you/ did you deal with being left for someone else?

Any good books, websites etc to help with this subject?

I don't have any real self esteem issues that I am aware of, I don't feel like less because I am being left so to speak, I just feel like stbxh is crazy
And I can't believe he is doing this.
It's that that I can't seem to come to grips with, the "why?"

My long story short is stbxh had a old flame that he kept as a "friend"
Ow is getting a divorce my stbxh
Broke a agreed on NC to help OW
With her marriage, we went through
A lot of MC but nothing worked.
Now stbxh is quickly rushing us through divorce and he is now exploring a relationship with OW.

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 18:09 PM

If you find any books I would love to know as well, I was with my Ex fiancé for 12 years ( maybe why she is an ex because we didn't actually get married) And we had a pseudo friend from years back reappear a few months back. he began talking to both her and I on Facebook, laughing and joking with me like old times , and I shared with him that me and my fiancé were having major issues and , and meanwhile he was swooping in talking with her nonstop on facebook, I am sure on the phone , texts , whatever else, but they were "just friends" so long story short, after 12 years together , I couldn't handle the friendship because I knew in my gut it was a lot more, and I decided to give her space , went to stay with family 1000 miles away, and 3 weeks after she texts me that they are a couple, so I call right away and she proceeds to tell me she spent the weekend with him and they are together. it gets a lot worse from there but I wont bore you with details , but I know EXACTLY how you are feelings right now, her and I aren't in contact at this point , its been about 2 weeks or so , and that was just business like emails about some of my things. she changed her cell phone number, they both blocked me on facebook ( really mature) and I am left completely alone and in the dark about everything, it is so incredibly painful and the mental anguish is too much to bare at times. and sorry I lied , I said long story short and this wasn't short.

me- 37 m
her 30 f
I left 2 months ago, she jumped into new relationship after 3 f ing weeks...

darklilly23 posted 7/16/2013 18:30 PM


Sorry you are dealing with this right now, I can relate to the whole being in the dark thing and how confusing
And painful that is. If I do find any good books I will let you know! :)

It like I keep telling people if my stbxh could/ would just tell me why? Then I think I could get some closure. If he could explane how we had a decade long marriage and we were best friends and now he is throwing me under the bus and in a relationship with some one that he said was only a friend.
Anyway it's the why? that's hard for me to take.

Ashland13 posted 7/16/2013 18:34 PM

I'm really sorry, DarkLilly.

My husband is living with another woman and her family in another state while I am pregnant, so yea, I understand completely.

You deal with each thing, each emotion and each day as it comes.

You go back to basic living and lately I've spent time going back to my roots and meeting with people from childhood or school years.

You wake up each day to a new life and realize that it is your place on earth now, altered but physically survived and be very proud of that.

You take it easy on yourself, on your heart and wait until it reconnects with your brain again, for the time will start to come...very slowly.

You realize that there is still kindness and good in the universe, that the cosmos has not fallen through to hell and find new meaning to each day, to each minute that you spend on earth.

You may find, if you are like me, that you are taking more time...with everything you do and that things take on greater importance than once had.

You "live for the now", as Wayne and Garth say and nourish yourself and children, if you have them.

Spend time with pets, as there is nothing like their love...pure and honest, it is.

Don't take anything for granted and don't...don't believe each and every word your spouse has to say.

I wish you peace and light at the end of the tunnel and some strong support from trusted ones to walk part way on your journey with you.

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 18:42 PM

thanks , I am glad you seem to have a handle on things and wanting to know why , is the most natural reaction possible I am sure. Ye I foolishly assumed I was her best friends as well , but prior to me leaving , the old friend of mine in facebook messages " you know you are my best friend right now" to her and of course she replied with the same to him, losing her companionship really hurts me more than anything else , I just think what about me ? did I just daydream the past 12 years? I am so very glad her and I didn't get married , I have read so many posts on here , marriages , houses , kids , and I can only imagine how much different it is from my situation , I pretty much said goodbye and hopped on a plane hah So did you and him decide to get divorced recently ? You seem very strong in your brief posts , which is excellent, and I hope you get the "why " answered and it provides you with closure , I have 50 million questions for my ex , that just jumble around in my head, because I refuse to ever speak to her again. ( I had a few beers on my birthday last month and called her a few too many times, wanting to hear happy birthday and what I got was --
Her: " J if you call one more time you are going to hear D ( the other guy) _________ing me " use your imagination , I didn't want to curse but yes that's what I got for a birthday gift

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 18:49 PM

"My husband is living with another woman and her family in another state while I am pregnant, so yea, I understand completely." Wow Ashland, my heart was broken in about 5 billion pieces after going through what I had, but when I read your post my heart broke again for you and your family. How on Earth can he not be with you when you are carrying his child? What in the hell is wrong with people these days, I really don't understand how selfish people can be. I understand everyone has the right to be happy, I really do , and I understand that sometimes within relationships people have ups and downs and moments of uncertainty or unhappiness , and I understand some people feel the need to have " friends " to talk to , "Friends" who have ulterior motives, who take and take and take, anyways , getting off my soap box , but I am so deeply sorry your husband, has made this choice, sorry to say but it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Snowy posted 7/16/2013 21:25 PM

Hi Guys

Sorry it has turned out this way.

I don't have the complete answer. My only advice is;

1. don't interact with your WS unless you have to and only on a buisness level. You need let your emotions heal. They can not heal if you are caught up in a toxic relationship. You need to be out of it.

2. Take long walks. Punch a punching bag. I found this helps

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 22:37 PM

I have just been so insanely sick of the roller coaster of emotions , I need to get some tips from darklilly23 :) she seems to have an amazing outlook on everything , I am just all done juggling all the different emotions , the hurt and sadness, the regret I feel for mistakes I made along the way, the anger I feel at someone I once called a friend for , swooping in and playing the knight in shining armor role, I just want off this roller coaster !!! Darklilly what is your secret ??? I am not sure if you haven't really shown how hurt you are , or you really are well on your way to healing :)

darklilly23 posted 7/16/2013 23:07 PM

Well sovery,

No secret here I just got off the roller Coster my self.. You know what it feels like when you get off the ride at a park and there you are dizzy confused about to puke and not knowing where the He11 you are
Or which direction you are going to go? Yeah huh that the next step...
I Kidd you not I was still in the same emotional juggle He11 as you about 3-4 weeks ago

I think mostly because I still thought stbxh could come around and see the light... Then he made a move that I could not mistake as a eff you game ender then I went in to shock and disbelief. Now I am in the what the He11 is wrong with with him phase. But yes I am much better off then when I was on the "ride"

Sovery, don't worry it does even out,
And prob faster than you would guess but not as fast as you would like.... Just hang in there, the place you are looking for looks like acceptance. But you won't know that place until you get there and it is really important that you go through the ride fully so that stuff does not mess with you more than it has to down the line. Just know that there really are stages to all this cr@p even though it seems like chaos at the moment.

[This message edited by darklilly23 at 11:09 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

persevere posted 7/16/2013 23:44 PM

My XWH left for a woman he had a 2month affair with - they were poker buddies. He seemed to love and adore me up until the day he walked out. It was insane.

All I can tell you is that it's difficult but life goes on, though its a coaster for a while.

SI was my saving grace during that time. Keep posting - it takes time but it does get better.

kansas1968 posted 7/17/2013 01:11 AM

Sorry you are having to deal with this. You might try the divorce/separation forum on this site, or the new beginnings. Those folks are going through or have been through just what you are going through now. Maybe they know some whys. The whys are probably just the same as when someone has an affair. Because they want to, it feels good, it boosts their self esteem, etc., etc.
You might want to be prepared though to the possiblity of him changing his mind when reality sets in for him.
You will get all of the support you need from the wonderful people on this site. We all have this shared pain and know what it feels like. Good luck and hugs....

SI Staff posted 7/17/2013 05:37 AM


There is a thread in the I Can Relate Forum---when a WS leaves for their AP.

Maybe you can find some support in there as well.

darklilly23 posted 7/17/2013 16:20 PM


I am so sorry to hear about your story, I can imagine dealing with that.

I don't have kids but wanted them, but everyone is telling me to count my blessings over that.

I could not fathom how I would feel if stbx was pulling this stuff if there was a child involved, I think I would then not be mad for just my self but for the child as well, that would be a whole other ball game.

You are very strong indeed Ash...

Thank you for your encouragement and kind thoughts.

Very good advice!

darklilly23 posted 7/17/2013 16:21 PM

thank you SI staff, I will go check that out!

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