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Starting to feel completely mortified and embarrassed

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soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 18:00 PM

I am still new here and I have received so much support and help and honestly gained a whole lot of necessary perspective on my Ex fiancés EA and subsequent end of the Relationship. I woke up today actually feeling good for once. I slept well, I woke up feeling rested and ready to take on the day. I had my moments of fear and anxiety thinking about her but I just breathed through them. I started to think about the last few years. I don't understand how I could have been so blind, so completely ignorant. Yes its true previous to this relationship , I had one 4 year relationship when I was in my early 20's so in my defense I have only have 2 serious relationships my entire life. I don't know why it was so difficult for me to read between the lines. Things changed , she changed, her family changed towards me, they would say things about me behind my back, and she would allow it, she would not stick up for me, how could I have been so stupid, so blind to it all. All I know is I felt so comfortable and I guess I just convinced myself this was just part of a long term relationship. I was her first love, her first serious relationship and I feel so horribly that she wasn't able to tell me she didn't love me, whenever she stopped. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it? sorry I am not even sure if this was posted in the correct spot , I am sorry I am still getting used to where to post. I forgive her for not being able to be honest with me about her feelings, but part of me is still so very confused by the whole thing because despite what she is saying currently ( that she stopped loving me 3 years prior and wanted me to leave then) I honestly felt like we were just in a rough patch and no matter what we would figure it out and remain together. We certainly didn't have the best relationship by any means, and she has reminded me that plenty since we ended, but it was what it was. in any case I am just really starting to feel embarrassed that I didn't choose to leave a long time ago, anyone else ever just hang on to someone because it just felt right , felt comfortable ? I am not going to contact her, we aren't speaking right now , and we aren't going to ever again, but part of me wants to email her and her entire family and let them know how deeply sorry I was for not leaving long ago, I feel like I was such a burden on her and her entire family , and yet all I felt at the time was love from her and her family , nothing but smiles in my face and then towards the end nothing but talking behind my back. I guess in a way I should be grateful she had an EA, that caused me so much anxiety that I just needed to remove myself from the situation, well I chose to leave and she finally let it happen, well she still cried , we both did and it was extremely difficult for us both the day she brought me to the airport, but I guess it was for the best, sorry again for the rant. :(

brkn_heartd posted 7/16/2013 19:39 PM

She is blameshifting. If she was that unhappy three years ago she would have ended it. It is easier for her to blame you than to own up to the fact she screwed up. This is about her, not you. None of us have a perfect relationship, but that doesn't mean we should know when it is time to "leave".

I would recommend not getting in touch with her family. You have done nothing wrong. She has done it. She has caused it. You are a very valuable and worthy person, do not let her make you think otherwise. She is the broken one.

Hugs to you.

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 19:46 PM

Thankyou so very much for taking the time to read my previous post ! Thanks very much for your kind words , I was hoping I would get one reply before I tried to rest , you are absolutely 100%% right !!! it does feel like she is shifting blame !! and you are right no one knows the exact perfect time to leave , thanks so much , you really have no idea how kind your reply was , and how much it is helped calm me down, ty

darklilly23 posted 7/16/2013 20:30 PM

Ok so,

In my experience blame shifting because I just got done going through the forest of "blameshiftingham" is that the person is doing the blame shifting out of GUILT...

Did you ex express any kind of guilt?

My stbxh, (and yes to answer, we are getting a divorce, its problay been about three weeks since I knew for sure that it was over.)

Just piled on the blame on to me, oh my ghosh.. Everything was my falt but I was getting no answers from him, nothing made any sence.
Now it is coming out that he feels guilty but can't face it. Friends and family are starting to say it though.
So just keep in mind you are being blame shifted and gaslighted prob from a place of guilt that your ex can't deal with.

Is your whole story in another thread?

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 20:53 PM

Has she expressed any guilt ? I am not sure if you read my post about what she said on my birthday to me ( she was extremely cruel and horrible) and pretty much scarred me for life, but she did email me about that a week later " I am deeply sorry for the things I said, you didn't deserve that, I didn't have the right"

I think my whole story is somewhere out there , but ill give the super fast version. We met online about 13 years ago. Fell madly in love , I went to visit her, she was in Atlanta, I was in Connecticut , after falling in love long distance , one day I jumped in my car to visit her, from that moment on we lived together, got engaged about 6 years in , had a VERY long engagement. I had plenty of issues along the way ( which are now well in the past) some depression issues, job issues , and sadly drug issues ( not making excuses but I was sexually abused when I was a teen and sort of fell into drugs after that), so I was FAR from the ideal mate for her, and had many troubles along the way, I am not making excuses for her at all, but anyways , the last few years we grew apart , we began taking one another for granted , we stopped , well essentially stopped having sex, maybe 4 times in the last year, maybe 10-15 times total in last 2 years ( yes I should have known ) but in any case , She felt used and ignored the last while, and I guess I did as well. We just had a very toxic unhealthy relationship and in the end, the other man, an old friend of ours , ( sorry if u read this already) began talking to us both on Facebook, and knew we were having major problems and , played the hero role , and began flirting with her and telling her everything she wanted to hear, I am sure on facebook, and on the phone and whatever else. and I made the choice to give her space , I moved back to Connecticut 1000 miles away. 3 weeks later she tells me she is with him, and all the chaos ensues. I know anyone who reads this thinks , good for her , soveryalone is a waste of human life , drug addict , but I am completely clean and have been for months and the last year , I used maybe 6 times all year. I am someone who never got over their past , never healed , I am wounded and I tried my very best to love her the best I knew how for 12 years , , I was always honest , I never once even thought about being with another woman, I really did try my very best to be the man she would marry and make a family with . Now I am feeling better and better each day , I feel free and ready to heal fully from everything I have been through in life . ( sorry this wasn't exactly the super fast version )

darklilly23 posted 7/16/2013 22:09 PM

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much.

I did read the horrible things she said to you, and there is no excuse ever for saying anything like that to some one.

However I am sure if she has a even if she has the smallest bit if human decency in her she must feel (and be seriously hiding from) the fact that what she has done was incredibly hurtful and selfish. What I meant about how people act when they pile cr@p loads of blame onto the betrayed is they are overcompensating
so they don't have to own their own actions.

I went through the blame shifting and for the life of me I could not make any sense of it, why would my stbx blame me when I was the one being betrayed?

The point I am getting at is to not take all the cr@p they say to heart, because its just one more instance of them only watching out for themselves.

soveryalone1 posted 7/16/2013 22:23 PM

after trying my very best , after all the crap I have been through in my life , after trying my best for 12 years , and honestly part of why I stayed for so long was waiting for her to find someone new , so I knew she would be ok, so I knew she would have someone to love her , and be there for her, after doing the hardest thing I have ever done in my life , by walking away , by cutting off all contact except for a few calls at first , after doing all of this ... I drink a little , on my birthday and call her , hoping , praying , begging she would tell me this was all a big joke , telling me she loved me , telling me a happy birthday, you know whats funny the very first time I called I get " what the F do you want J, I am busy watching TV with D"... the fist time I called her in weeks .. I know I made so many mistakes with her , and I know she felt like I didn't love her, but my goodness , I cannot believe that , and then she put him on the phone.. his voice is burned in my memory. sorry to vent, she doesn't feel anything right now, she is completely cold and horrible , and even though I had a very traumatic past , and I do have a lot of self esteem issues , part of me feels like I do deserve a little better than that. thanks for the messages , there really are nice people on here , and honestly I think people who have been betrayed , people who have been cheated on , or even worse , they know a pain that other people cannot fathom , they know just how deep a wound can be. I am so very happy that you seem to be handling your situation so well , with class and dignity, I wish the only thing I wanted to know was why, I am so deeply sorry you are in this spot too I am sure you are in pain as well but it sounds like once you get the "why" you will be well on your way to healing . And yes some times I feel so much pain , it is nearly too much to bare, and this sounds so absolutely stupid , but I just am craving someone ( a non family member heh) to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

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