Six years ago, I discovered that my wife had a 8-month physical affair with a local man. She also had inappropriate online relationships with various men across the country and world. About the same time, I discovered through sorting through her typical username on health boards, that she was suffering from bulimia. She never once mentioned this to me, and I had no idea or suspicions. We had been married for 11 years at this point. This was a total surprise to me. We were in marriage counseling at the time (yes, she was carrying on an affair and having marriage counseling at the same time - that's a good one). Anyhow, the counselor, once he was apprised of her condition said that eating disorders are at the heart of all interpersonal relationships and that must be addressed first before we began any meaningful therapy.
When she heard this, she quit soon after. We went to two more marriage counselors; both of them told her the same thing. Treat the bulimia first, then deal with relationships - in that order. She quit them too. She then went, on her own accord - without my prompting, to two ED specialists. She started therapy and then quit within 3 weeks with both of them.
We have a terrible relationship and we have not had sex in five years. I don't know if she is still carrying on with somebody else; it's certainly possible, but not probable. I know that she is still binging and purging, and she admits to it. When I said that she needs to get this under control, she said the following: Bulimia cannot be cured. I will be bulimic the rest of my life; that's just the way it is. I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications that are supposed to reduce to my impulse to binge and purge. I am under a doctor's care, I am taking medicine, it's working to some degree, I'm not ignoring it, and I am dealing with it - so leave me alone. "I am high functioning; I do a fantastic job at work, and I still have the energy to take care of the kids and the house." I said, "if you are still binging and purging, doesn't that mean that either the medicine isn't working or that you need to supplement the medication with some sort of behavioral or talk therapy? Her answer: No. I take medicine. Just because I continue with my behaviors doesn't mean that the medicine isn't working. If I have a problem, I talk about it with my doctor - not you.
I called to make another appointment with a new therapist. When I gave her some background information, she basically said that she doesn't want to meet with my wife. She said, "I am going to tell her that she needs to deal with her ED, and she will bolt and I will never see either of you again." She only wants to meet with me, probably to help me transition from this dysfunctional marriage to a divorce.
To me, my wife's resistance to therapy is a complete cop-out and she unwilling to face her personal demons. Is it true that once you are bulimic, that's it - there's no going back.
She has been suffering with this for 27 years.
[This message edited by betrayed1965 at 6:31 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]