I ask myself sometimes.
There are some new things he is doing and I have to figure out how to stop trying to work with him.
One pattern I'm trying hard to break is when we have a problem, DD will often tell him. He may or may not fix whatever it is, but lately is throwing it back in my face that he helped me with anything.
Remember, it wasn't even me that asked and I even ask her not to tell him.
He has been so awful lately that I tried to tell him that he is actually lucky and gets many courtesies, and he threw back in my face that he gives courtesies? They are not courtesies, they are things he is required by state or law to do!
He tried to tell me that he could act worse? What about "thank you." Thank you for letting me be part of my child's life. Thank you for letting me be in the delivery room when the baby comes. Thank you for not calling the police when I stole from our house.
No. Just more yelling at me and trapping me when I stumble with words. He will ask me something and I try to communicate it and he slings it back.
I got sick this week and have a bad back and he knows it, so maybe that's why he chose to have a conversation, I don't know?
He is making more changes with the visitation that he pushed and very angry and rude when we will not drop everything and comply. He's asking DD to change more of her life to suit him and he won't budge from plans, so I think I may say, never mind, just cancel them and don't put pressure on her.
He is again trying to see what boundaries are there about my workplace and I did have a talk with them, so we are ready next time. I am relieved about that part and there's only a little bit more time to go.
It seems he wants to steam roll into our lives and then dump DD like a sack of potatoes and be off again, though he did try to get her to live with him and taken away from me?.
I guess I just needed a vent and to share the continued shock that I experience.
It is a total and complete stranger in that man's body, who I once loved so much and now doesn't come or go without causing more pain.
He has no understanding of empathy or care and if he shows sympathy to anyone, it's not to me.
He is of the opinion that I should fully trust him now and this I simply do not understand? When I tell him there are too many unknown elements of his life for me to be able to do that do you know what? He actually blames me and tells me it's my fault because I asked him to not tell me!
Isn't he the one who cheated in the first place? Why can't he just accept that he did? Why does he expect me to blindly believe in him?
I understand it's the narcissism, but at the same time am dumbfounded to witness it.
I can only imagine now what he's going to tell Ow and his lawyer after what he got out of me today, but I've also been told it is valid worry by IC and lawyer.
I'm sorry to ramble on and air my woes again, I'm just so overwhelmed in my mind and angry at myself for being so tricked...for having my life turn out this way.
Some good things happened today but one is tied to him, so it's a double-edged sward and I'm mad because I just want to celebrate it...
A person told me recently they thought I am "emotionally exhausted" and I thought that was apt. I had not heard it before.
How am I going to raise these children with this man and who will this baby become?
You know, Mr. Peckerwood today was going on and on about how much time he gives to DD out of his life, really in my face about it and it made me cry when he left. Why can't he just do things as I do, because I'm her parent or I want to? I don't have to brag or advertise and I do it gladly.
I didn't dare ask about the food or try to talk about that and I am so worried for DD when she goes there.
One thing that came out during false R was his porn addiction and that's one thing that I finally said today, is my worry of her seeing it by accident. He is trying to say that it doesn't happen anymore and that the people she visits with love her and watch over her?
Yet during false R he very boldly stated that he grew up with porn around these same people? I'm just supposed to believe that my little girl will be safe when he has made a whole life, living and sleeping with people we don't know?
He's so smart technically that it absolutely astounds me how unaware he is of emotion or social awareness things.
And I know it's the narcissism, but to just sit there and be Mr. Perfect, I almost laughed out loud at him.
The denial is stunning. Sometimes its hard to believe he is a well person.
Thank you for this place to write these feelings out.
It's so much in my head that it's hard to blink or breathe today.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.