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careerlady posted 7/16/2013 23:35 PM

My parents and I are close, WH has always been jealous and resents the fact I told them about his cheating. We are at the point where he says he wants the marriage but at the same time doesn't know if he can live with my family. My mom is coming to live with us at the end of the month to be our nanny cause the last one abused our son and we need him to be safe. Though my mom has barely done anything to him WH has disliked her (i think in part because she'll intervene when he's emotionally abusuve) and she recently got into a big fight with my MIL so now he hates her. I don't know what to do. I am having a hard time letting go of our little family as f@cked up as he may be, I'm hoping this is part of being foggy? If it wasn't for my child i'd run from someone who announced they hate my family but what about our pre-A beautiful life with our baby? Any hope here?

Hearthache again posted 7/16/2013 23:40 PM

How frustrating. I think when mom arrives you all need to set down and discuss some boundaries up front to live by.

Make sure each one has their own area to escape to when they are annoyed with each other.

Good luck.

sri624 posted 7/16/2013 23:56 PM

this is a tough one...i am sorry you are in this sitch. how nice of your mom to help you guys out like this. but, in putting your m first...is there any way in the world....that you can get anyone else to care for your child other than your mom? the idea of having the in-laws would be a strain on any m. and with what has happend..."now is not a good time." in my opinion, it just isnt. everyone outside the m just needs to stay away...they do no matter who did the cheating...you know what i mean?

but if there is just no other way...i would have a serious talk with my mom about how my m is a private matter between me and h....and how she will not be allowed to intervene...in well...anything whether she is in your home or not. it has to be that firm of a boundary. and he needs to know that you are putting him first and the m first. you told your mom about his cheating...so what...that is a consequence of screwing around...people will find out, and he will have to deal with that shame and embarrassment. but at the same time, she will need to stay in her lane and treat him with respect.
i would also let him know what your plans are...and set the expectation with him that he will treat her with respect as well.

not sure if that is much help....i feel for you.

i really hope you can come up with a plan b and not have her come live with you now....not yet.

I think I can posted 7/17/2013 07:14 AM

I'm a little more worried about your WH than the posters above. He's been lying and cheating on you on and off for 5 years at least. He JUST cheated on you again. Your mom has been supportive and protective of you.

And HE is mad at HER??? That means he is thinking about himself, not what is helpful for YOU or safe for the baby.

Still selfish, still blameshifting--does he not see how his actions have caused this situation?

wanttogoforward posted 7/17/2013 07:34 AM

Living with in-laws can be very tricky and cause serious marital friction.... there needs to be firm boundaries in place... the 3 of you need to sit down and discuss the rules.... PLUS your mom should have some private space of her own.... even if that means some remodeling in the house.... a basement apartment.... anything.... that being said....

Your H needs to be told that this is not about the two of you right now..... the safety of your child is the priority!

Also, do not let him distract you from issues in the M that have nothing to do with your mother....

You are in a hard situation and I honestly think your mom is the best to care for your child.....

Opheliapain posted 7/17/2013 08:22 AM

I don't think it is likely to R with someone who tries to take away your support system. Even if he does not like your mother he should be grateful that she is being there for you in every way possible.

It worries me they way he is trying to isolate you. Is he in IC and are you in MC? Your MC should be backing you up that you need who you need to heal.

(((careerlady)))

confused615 posted 7/17/2013 10:58 AM

I think your WH needs to put his big boy pants on.

He cheated..and had an OC. And lied and lied. If he were truly remorseful,I would think he would be humble around your mother..and apologetic that he hurt her daughter so terribly.

He resents that you told your mom that he cheated? You had every right to reach out for support..his anger is misplaced. He should be angry with one person..himself. He is responsible for this mess.

You say he's still foggy? What is he *doing* to show you he wants to R?

careerlady posted 7/18/2013 16:32 PM

You are right things are bad right now. He does hate my support system that's exactly what seems to be going on. If he doesn't put his big boy pants on soon and get to work we are doomed. Just having a hard time accepting how bad this all is cause we were all pretty happy a few months ago