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I have my "why?"

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thecosmogirl posted 7/17/2013 01:21 AM

...I think anyway.
We all want it and sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't.
My WH is weak. They all are but, I now know his weakness and it is helping me.
Anyone that has kept up on my saga knows my WH was perfect in my eyes. Attentive, loving, respectful, blah, blah, blah....asshole still cheated!
He now admits he has turned down "offers" before....except they were just offers to go to a bonfire, get to know someone better. Which he declined immediately.
BUT, when a woman totally threw herself at him, he couldn't say no. As in telling him "I think your cute and I want to fuck you!." He couldn't say no.
Wow!! Should I be thankful more women have not done this??
Point is, this is HIS flaw!! And we have discussed it. He IS remorseful but, I am struggling with when it happens again and it will, he is attractive....what will his reaction be?
Just random late night thoughts....he says he won't risk what he has and what he can lose.... But this is new.....what about 5 years from now....??

thecosmogirl posted 7/17/2013 02:00 AM

BTW, I told him tonight that I want him to be a man. A REAL man. I'm very independent and don't "need" a man but, wanted him to be one for me. Which he swore he would be.
I've been single a few times and was never one to whine to my friends that I wish I had a man or needed one.
I'm of the kind that if something comes along it happens or it doesn't. I can and have lived on my own and can again if need be.
Age be damned!! I know some make these decisions because they are older....fuck that! I'm 45 and STILL a catch.....if I was single, just saying I'm not worried about being alone.And don't care about if I am or will be. In fact...not to toot my horn but I would be fighting them off if I became available.

stronger08 posted 7/17/2013 04:11 AM

IDK about that answer my friend. After all he could have said no to her advances. No matter how forward she was he had a choice. And he chose to cheat. Seems to me that blame is being layed at the feet of the OW a bit too much. Men certainly can resist a woman who throws herself at them. I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again one day. His "Why" certainly smells of blame shifting to me. JMHO

ItsaClimb posted 7/17/2013 04:56 AM

Personally, I would dig a bit deeper... WHY couldn't he say "No"? Why did he think it was OK to say "yes" to her? Why did he think it was OK to betray you for her?

I think you're part of the way there, but it goes deeper than that he was too weak to say "No" to a direct offer. WHY was he too weak to say no?

solus sto posted 7/17/2013 07:02 AM


[This message edited by solus sto at 7:04 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

solus sto posted 7/17/2013 07:03 AM

Gently, he needs to keep peeling back layers. "I couldn't resist easy sex when it was offered" really is not a why. It's more of a it's how he found himself having sex with another woman. She was there, and bold, and he didn't say no. That's how circumstances permitted.

He has to figure out why saying yes, with his actions, was even a possibility for him. "I'm weak" needs some more digging.

It's good you're talking about these things. Really, that's a huge part of the battle. That he's thinking and talking is enormous. Encourage him to peel back layers. For every "why" he offers, suggest he ask himself another. If be says, "I couldn't say no," have him ask himself why. If the answer is, "because I'm weak," have him ask himself why. Chances are, there will be many layers of why before he really gets there. When he gets to the hard ones, like, "saying no scares me," that's when you're getting close. He might be nervous about digging below these layers, because ...well, it's really, really hard to examine oneself so thoroughly. But with encouragement (and IC, perhaps) he can access the real why.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:05 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

solus sto posted 7/17/2013 07:14 AM

I have to add that telling you he's turned down many previous "offers," while intended to show that he's a good guy who usually says no, kind of raises my antennae.

Yes, sometimes people with very poor boundaries DO approach people who have strong ones, and get shot down.

But if he's had lots of "offers" and ultimately found himself in a just-couldn't-say-no position, I'd be concerned that his flimsy boundaries are showing, when he's around other women, and that he's NOT sending the appropriate, "don't even bother trying" vibe that those with impenetrable boundaries seem to have. No, that vibe is not failsafe, and some do view it as a challenge. But it arises from boundaries that are very hard to break.

His were not. And THAT why is one of the ones he needs to locate so he can address it in a way that keeps you safe from further breaches.

Blobette posted 7/17/2013 07:20 AM

Solus said exactly what I was thinking. If he's getting a lot of offers, that means he's sending out availability signals. People who have poor self-esteem/need a lot of affirmation tend to do this. It's an attention hole that no one can fill, and sometimes easy sex or an A is a way to fill it -- or, that's how it feels to the WS. And a BS's love, no matter how strong, can't. So he needs to both attack the behavioral side of things (the habits he has that send out those availability signals) as well as the reason he needs that attention.

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:21 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

classlesslass posted 7/17/2013 08:30 AM

I just have to echo the "availability signals". I am an attractive woman -- I know plenty of attractive women. None of us get hit on regularly, in fact I can't remember the last time someone hit on me. Why? Because I am NOT approachable, everything about me screams "confident, secure, and committed". There is NOTHING like low self esteem to bring the vultures, and you carry your commitment not just in a wedding band, but in how you carry yourself, how you interact with other people, etc.

thecosmogirl posted 7/17/2013 10:01 AM

Thank you everyone. And yes I know there is way more too this "why".
I know he needs to examine his actions and the fact that he obviously made himself seem available.
I have more but I have a meeting.

sailorgirl posted 7/17/2013 10:07 AM


I agree with the previous posters about boundaries. It would be really really unusual if OW walked up to your WH out of the blue and said, "I think your cute and I want to fuck you!"

First, she would have given him extra attention--asked him about his day, his interests, his ideas. Given him positive feedback on his clothes, car, work, hair. Laughed at his jokes a little too hard, looked him in the eye a second too long, stood a few inches too close.

Objectively, I'm an attractive woman, but I never get "offers". That's because I never do the things above, I don't have private conversations with male acquaintances, and I don't flirt.

Every once in awhile, a man who doesn't know me will give me a personal compliment. I say, "Thanks" in the same tone I would if he had said, "Nice town you live in."

In my experience, poor boundaries come from FOO. Usually, parental abuse or addiction of some kind. Your WH could consider digging there.

TheBestMe posted 7/17/2013 10:24 AM

I did not know what to expect when I read this post. But thank you for your post. So many of the replies speak of boundaries. My husband does not know when he is approaching them. His FOO have no boundaries when it comes to marriage. He needs to learn them. Thank you to all those that responded to the post. You have really helped me.

thecosmogirl posted 7/17/2013 19:42 PM

Maybe I didn't explain it well enough. Yes we are peeling back layers and this definitely comes from FOO. I have no doubt on that.
And he is examining just why he let it happen and did not turn these women away.
I do know for a fact that both of them threw themselves at him but I also firmly believe he led them on with joking, compliments, etc.

Getting to Happy posted 7/18/2013 12:25 PM

Hey you good looking Cosmogirl! How are you today.

It is very consuming trying to figure out the "why".

As you work your way through this shit storm called "R after Infidelity" allow yourself some slack.

We are not counselors. Just faithful wives. Psychoanalizing your spouse was not really on the menu when you got married!

It takes some time to rest easy with "well, my husband had a girlfriend".

There will be days where he will morph into the husband that you have always loved and other days he will become a shallow 2-D cartoon douche'.

Hopefully the latter will win you over. It is up to him.

Keep digging for truth and please guard your heart.


thecosmogirl posted 7/18/2013 22:03 PM

Thanks so much GTH!
I needed that today

soveryalone1 posted 7/18/2013 22:17 PM

My whole thing is this, why isn't just knowing someone else wants them enough? Why do people HAVE to act? I spent so many years completely satisfied with just knowing other women found me attractive but never once , ever thought about acting on it....

Guttedagain posted 7/19/2013 01:07 AM

Soveryalone1 , i struggle with understanding this too but suppose that there is the difference in mindset of the cheaters and the non cheaters. I've tried so hard not to let my husbands actions affect my self esteem. i know i'm in decent shape and look a lot younger than my years and I've no trouble attracting attention when I'm out but thats as far as anything would ever go, feel a bit flattered but never had any interest to pursue or put myself in a compromising situation. Cheaters don't think like this though, i think instead they only think of themselves and see everything as an opportunity.

thecosmogirl posted 7/19/2013 21:19 PM

I'm not sure I will ever understand waywards either.
I'm also flattered when I get comments or looks but would never dream of going farther than that ever!!!
Some of us are just wired different.

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