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OW keeps making 'incidental' contact with me, the BW.

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Nest2007 posted 7/17/2013 01:23 AM

WH and I are in R, seeing ICs and MC, he's given full disclosure which I am working through (full truth is painful but at least it's finally out there and Josephine85 has been a huge help in wrapping my head around it) and I'm making progress. Feel as though I'm in the anger stage of grief right now.

However, in the last week:

OW has moved into a house seven doors down from us.

Texted my WH to offer nappies for our daughter (she 'accidentally' bought the wrong size for her daughter who is 8 mth older than ours - accident??? WTF)

Offered to cook dinner for us when my WH took a sick day from work (they still have to work together and yes, I have been advised to make him quit and no, it is not possible)

Now directly interacted with me in a local for sale or trade site by answering a question that easily could (and was) answered by several other people, and when I left a general comment thanking everyone for their responses, she chose to 'like' the comment.

I'd been having a pretty good day, hadn't thought about the A all day (thanks to my lovely anti depressants that knocked me out 'til lunchtime), but she just inserts herself in.

Am I imagining things? She seems nuts.

confused615 posted 7/17/2013 05:20 AM

She does know you know about the affair..correct?

Have you said anything to her? I see that she was a "mutual friend," maybe she thinks you still are?

She sounds a little nutty...with a side of stalker tossed in.

If you haven't said anything,tell her to stay away from you. Was a NC email sent to that states absolutely no contact other than work related issues is to be discussed?

Nest2007 posted 7/17/2013 05:28 AM

Yes, she knows I know. I sent her a cranky email the day after WH confessed but have not contacted her since. Have written lots 'to' her since but no intention of actually sending them - it just helps me to have an imaginary target for my expressions.

There has been a NC letter but she keeps breaking it. WH tells me about every interaction, professional or breaking NC as soon as they happen. Unfortunately they team teach several periods a week and there's no way to change that.

confused615 posted 7/17/2013 05:34 AM

Usually,when an OW persists like this, it's suggested another NC email is sent..only this time saying if NC is broken again, a RO would be sought. But,since they have to have some contact,I don't think that'll work.

I think the best thing to do is just continue to ignore any email or phone call that isn't work related. And,if she approaches you in public,tell her calmly to get away from you. Say it in the right tone,and she'll know to back away..

Im sorry you're dealing with this. It makes your healing..and your WH..that much harder.


solus sto posted 7/17/2013 06:40 AM

I'm with confused615. This is not "incidental" contact. Incidental contact would be seeing her turn down another aisle at the grocery store.

This is incipient stalking. Her move to your neighborhood, her knowledge of your husband's whereabouts, and her continued contact, if he's NC, constitute harassment. I'd go RO on her. Your husband's response to the suggestion will tell you a great deal about where his head is. I hope he's as creeped out by the bunnyboiler he invited into your lives as you are, and is as committed to getting her out.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:41 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

I think I can posted 7/17/2013 07:04 AM

Consult a lawyer. Sometimes a warning lawyer letter will help.

See what needs to happen before you can file for a restraining order.

Document, document, document.

Jadedgirl posted 7/17/2013 11:42 AM

You stated they team teach several periods per are they both teachers at a middle or high school? I ask because there can alwats be a request to the principal for a different teaching assignment.

Skan posted 7/17/2013 12:36 PM

Well, if you file an RO, and I would pursue that because she seems like a boiler bunny, then that would solve the problem of them teaching together because legally, it couldn't happen. Unfortunately, as long as they work "together," I don't see this situation getting any better. She obviously has no boundaries.

solus sto posted 7/17/2013 13:47 PM

How do you envision R taking place, with the two of them working together closely?

I'm not asking to be snarky. I'm asking about logistics. What do the boundaries look like?

I can't envision a way to send this woman a get-the-hell-out message as long as she's in your husband's classroom.

Your husband worked someplace else until you asked him to join you at your school. There ARE other schools. It's summertime now; some of my teacher friends are in the process of getting contracts for the upcoming year.

You've ruled out something that may be VITAL to your ability to reconcile.

Why? Why is this particular job more important than your marriage?

Is it not worth at least exploring alternatives? This woman is showing really warped boundary-free behavior. Daily access to your husband will fuel her delusions or, worse, may fuel a resumed affair.

I didn't ask this in my last post--because I do think the woman is off her rocker. But I will ask now, because her behavior may indicate something else: are you sure there's NC at this point?

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:50 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Nest2007 posted 7/17/2013 15:29 PM

Re the job - I'm Australian so this is the middle if the school year, not summer vacation. WH is the only highschool teacher - this is the school's first year of operation as a highschool, previously primary only and is only doing year 8, so there's no other teaching assignments. Prior to this he worked at a factory while studying and that position is no longer available. Our town is remote. Prior to our school expanding into hs, students board during the week and return home weekends, or stay away all term.

We're resending the nc today as a RO is not possible.

I've not responded to any of her contact as I'm trying not to poke the bear so to speak... Feel that is the safest option?

solus sto posted 7/17/2013 15:42 PM

Ah, yes--it isn't summer there, is it?

Yes, it's best not to respond to her at all. Maybe it will help extinguish her insanity.

I fear you're going to have to let the principal/headmaster know so that she can be reassigned. She's the one bringing crazy to the table--they do not need a bunnyboiler on their faculty.

Jospehine85 posted 7/17/2013 17:03 PM


This woman is intentionally trying to provoke you. She is stalking you online. The question is why.

Is she a narcissist raging because your WH picked you over her?

Is she a sociopath who wants to "win"?

Is she just a borderline personality disorder?

Her behavior is not normal for a supposedly educated, christian adult woman who is supposed to behave in a highly moral manner due to her occupation.

I would speak to a lawyer and have HIM send the NC letter. Actually two. One on behalf of your WH and one on your behalf. So you can file a restraining order separately from your WH.

I hope your WH is seeing her behavior as antagonistic and not "friendly". Given half a chance this OW is going to portray herself as being "helpful", don't let him fall for it.

That is also why you need a lawyer to write a letter. OW is antagonizing you by pretending to be overly kind. She knows she is getting to you, but she is masking it behind "kindness".

Be careful with this one. Meanwhile, you are allowed to relish in the fact that she is 150% miserable, as displayed by her obsession with you.

Nest2007 posted 7/17/2013 23:00 PM

Josephine it's interesting you mention her wanting to 'win' - in a conversation she had with my WH after he ended the A and was working out how to tell me, she said to him 'I feel like I've lost' and then got mad at him when he replied 'there are no winners here, all of us have lost.'

Each time she gets reminded that she's 'lost' she acts out. Was behaving perfectly appropriately last week at school, talking about the day's lessons - saw a picture of me on WH's desk, instantly started sulking and for the rest of the day moped. Way to convince the gossips that there's nothing to their rumours.

Later that week she asked my WH if he was ok. When he shortly told her that wasn't an appropriate thing to ask, that it was professional talk only, she proceeded to sit in the corner of the classroom, playing in her phone and only working with students when specifically asked to do so.

WH definitely sees through her behaviour. I think he only came out of the fog when he wrote his full disclosure and saw the steps there in black and white and recognised just how manipulative she was and how false her 'friendship' and conduct had been.

Dare2Trust posted 7/17/2013 23:47 PM


Is OW separated from her husband? You posted you live in a small community...but still: Surely this woman could have found somewhere else to move; rather than down the street from you.

Since you only recently got "full disclosure" about your WH's affair: Will you be informing OW's husband about the "true extent of the affair?" since he probably believes the affair was only a ONS, himself.

Nest2007 posted 7/18/2013 00:05 AM

Dare2trust, you're absolutely right. OW could have moved anywhere - at the time WH confessed, the local paper ran an article stating that there were 100 rental properties available in our town. There were any number of other places she could have taken, but she chose this one.

She has separated from her BH. However, he discovered the A by reading her email which she 'happened' to leave open. Really, if you've had an affair, I don't think it's an accident to leave it open when your husband might read it. She was self destructive and wanted to take my husband down with her. But much like I don't want to poke the bear with her, I don't want to with him either. He knows what he knows, I hope he knows it all but I'm trying to move on without adding more drama to the situation - drama seems to be her forte, so I figure let her paint herself as the crazy one, not me!!

Skan posted 7/18/2013 13:16 PM

How WH about approaching the headmaster and asking that she be reassigned because she is harassing both of you. Yeah, he may have to out himself, but such is life. If he's the only teacher possibility in the area, his job is probably more secure than hers, especially if he strikes first and makes the first complaint. Because if she is a boiler bunny, that is probably her next tactic to accuse him of sexual harassment.

Jospehine85 posted 7/18/2013 18:05 PM

Skan has a good point about the sexual harassment.

You really need to get a lawyer to write some letters. Probably should have him write something to the principal too.

Nest, she's nuts. You guys really need to think hard about looking for a new job and place to live, far from her. Don't make it public. Keep it to yourselves so she can't follow.

She's going to try to wear your WH down just like a toddler asking for candy in the grocery store. It may be pouting now, but it could turn in to threats.

The sooner he is away from her the better.

Ashland13 posted 7/18/2013 19:23 PM

Some odd things were happening here directly following Dday and the few times I've made mention of seeking advice from a lawyer or police to STBXH or OW at one point, the drama stops.

Though excuses came, I notice the activity doesn' call hang ups in the wee hours of night, stealing from our house and some other grey-area things.

And so I will chime in and agree with the post about consulting a lawyer. It doesn't even have to be relayed in a threatening way, can be "oh by the way" type thing.

When I was getting the phone call harrassmnent, the police here said it was three pieces of correspondence before they could send a letter on my behalf. They took the names of both of them and it's held enormous weight to be able to say to ExH and OW that the police have their names and some of the history of "activity".

It's such a shame when people can't lay off.

Nest2007 posted 8/4/2013 07:31 AM

She getting crazier. Seeing a lawyer for letters to be written tomorrow.

WH and I visited the overseas city we were/are looking at moving to this week. A fantastic week of just the two of us, leaving home and negative associations behind. And in the middle of the week, she sent a message to him, telling him she missed him. I know the A is over, WH's every action proves it, but she can't seem to let go.

Last night after we got home, we saw our lawn had been mowed. Nice, and we figured it was someone from our church - it's happened before. This morning we found two bags of groceries on our front steps, and realised it was her. WH took them to work and told her we would not accept them. She had a hissy fit and said 'I mowed your lawn too, do you want me to take that back?'

I'm sick of her inserting herself into our lives, sick of being taken back in my recovery by her frequent attempts at contact. Enough.

confused615 posted 8/4/2013 07:40 AM

She needs to be arrested for trespassing. She has come onto your property twice now...that you know of. Chances are,she's been around and you and your WH weren't aware of it. She is stalking both of you..and your children.

This OW seriously sounds mentally ill. She's a total bunny boiler. Please keep your doors locked and your children close. I know that may sound like an overreaction...but you never know..clearly she is unstable.

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