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Newest Member: Mrpink (61487)

User Topic: When do you know it's really over?
♂ 39832
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS has been involved in an emotional A since our Dday with a former high school classmate. She is being very open with it in front of me almost in a way to taunt me with it. I know she is hurt from my betrayal. That is a fact that I will live with forever.

She calls him while I'm around. She leaves the room and sits in our garage to call him and feels better that "at least she is telling me". My question to the WS's, have you experienced this type of behavior from your BS? If so, how did you deal with it? Were you able to work through this type of behavior and actions? Should i just proceed with dissolving this marriage? Thanks!

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not.

My Bs contemplated a RA (revenge affair), but didn't go through with it.

It's common to hear not to make any big decisions for a while.

I'm not really sure what to say, except does your bs know about this site? It has been a lifesaver for both my BS and I.

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her behavior is not common and you should not put up with it just because you had an A.

Is this the double edge sword you were talking about in your last post? You never posted what exactly was happening. You were given some great advise and were asked some questions that you never answered. It is hard to give advise without knowing the whole story. Questions were asked to help understand your situation.

BH Tred
M 19yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't experienced this either.

How long ago was your A discovered?

Are you and your BS in counseling?

But what if I fall?
Oh Darling, but what if you fly?

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she is doing is bullshit and yes I speak from experience. Her doing it in front of you and the that makes it okay or makes her feel better is bullshit. Do not let her get away with it. You do not have to put up with this due to your A and yes I have been there, am still there. Working but I will post more soon.

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your cheating is no excuse for her choice to engage in an EA. She needs to go NC with the OM if there is going to be any chance of R.

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dissolving the M is your decision. All we can do is tell you what we feel is best in the situation. What she's doing is not right. You have to decide what your boundaries will be. What are you willing to tolerate? Where do you want this relationship to go? Do you want to be in a relationship where she has an EA right in front of you using blame shifting and justifications to do as she pleases? Sometimes the affair with a deal breaker. She does not now get to eat cake because of your actions. Think about what you want and whether or not that is possible in this relationship the way it is now.

[This message edited by Unagie at 12:08 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her EA is exactly how my first one was. Went on for 3-4 years. But hey, it was "ok" for me cause after all, QS knew who I was talking to right??? Surely I get a fancy gold star for being honest about it.

My marriage was dead in the water as long as I talked to my EA partner. Every phone call, text, email, and IM killed my husband a little more each day.

You had an A. You need to fix you.

She is having an A. She needs to fix her too. After she goes full NC and is totally transparent with you.

There are no comparisons of As. "Oh well you had a PA. I'm only TALKING to someone." Doesn't matter. I "only" talked to someone. Four times. Over the course of 10 years. I invested time, energy, and emotion to a person that was outside of my marriage. Almost ruined us to the point of no return.

As long as your wife is doing the same thing, your marriage doesn't have a snowball's chance.

Oh and "Well you had an A first! I'm only evening the playing field!" Ok, so where is the referee that decides that you both are even in destroying one another's hearts?

There's a thread down in I Can Relate Forum for Mathatters. (People who are both betrayed and wayward) You'll find a lot of info and support down there.

Sorry for the situation you're in.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 37879
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she's doing is wrong. But I get a feeling from your post, that you may be fishing here for some validation. Maybe I'm off base, but maybe not.

You haven't provided much detail, so I'm sure most folks here have no story to base any helpful information on. Maybe you could provide us with a little back story, so we can better help you.

I appologize, but I have no advice either way on whether you should cut and run, or stay and stick it out. That is something only you can decide. You need to have a frank, open conversation with her. Tell her how you feel. Does she recognize that she is having an EA? Does she know how you feel about it? Are you putting up with her behavior out of guilt?

I think the most important thing you can do here, is start working on yourself.

I hope this didnt sound a little too harsh and i hope it made some sense.

Welcome to SI, Ace. I hope you'll stick around and share. There is so much to learn here, and There are so many wise and helpful folks on here, and on both sides of this destructive, wayward fence.

Me: FWSO 39 He: FBSO 39 and my heart
Together 21 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 611 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: by the sea with my love
Topic Posts: 9

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