This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.
Her EA is exactly how my first one was. Went on for 3-4 years. But hey, it was "ok" for me cause after all, QS knew who I was talking to right??? Surely I get a fancy gold star for being honest about it.
My marriage was dead in the water as long as I talked to my EA partner. Every phone call, text, email, and IM killed my husband a little more each day.
You had an A. You need to fix you.
She is having an A. She needs to fix her too. After she goes full NC and is totally transparent with you.
There are no comparisons of As. "Oh well you had a PA. I'm only TALKING to someone." Doesn't matter. I "only" talked to someone. Four times. Over the course of 10 years. I invested time, energy, and emotion to a person that was outside of my marriage. Almost ruined us to the point of no return.
As long as your wife is doing the same thing, your marriage doesn't have a snowball's chance.
Oh and "Well you had an A first! I'm only evening the playing field!" Ok, so where is the referee that decides that you both are even in destroying one another's hearts?
There's a thread down in I Can Relate Forum for Mathatters. (People who are both betrayed and wayward) You'll find a lot of info and support down there.
Sorry for the situation you're in.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne