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When do you know it's really over?

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AceKnight posted 7/17/2013 02:50 AM

My BS has been involved in an emotional A since our Dday with a former high school classmate. She is being very open with it in front of me almost in a way to taunt me with it. I know she is hurt from my betrayal. That is a fact that I will live with forever.

She calls him while I'm around. She leaves the room and sits in our garage to call him and feels better that "at least she is telling me". My question to the WS's, have you experienced this type of behavior from your BS? If so, how did you deal with it? Were you able to work through this type of behavior and actions? Should i just proceed with dissolving this marriage? Thanks!

SurprisinglyOkay posted 7/17/2013 07:31 AM

I have not.

My Bs contemplated a RA (revenge affair), but didn't go through with it.

It's common to hear not to make any big decisions for a while.

I'm not really sure what to say, except does your bs know about this site? It has been a lifesaver for both my BS and I.

SandAway posted 7/17/2013 07:50 AM

Her behavior is not common and you should not put up with it just because you had an A.

Is this the double edge sword you were talking about in your last post? You never posted what exactly was happening. You were given some great advise and were asked some questions that you never answered. It is hard to give advise without knowing the whole story. Questions were asked to help understand your situation.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/17/2013 07:52 AM

I haven't experienced this either.

How long ago was your A discovered?

Are you and your BS in counseling?

Unagie posted 7/17/2013 11:32 AM

What she is doing is bullshit and yes I speak from experience. Her doing it in front of you and the that makes it okay or makes her feel better is bullshit. Do not let her get away with it. You do not have to put up with this due to your A and yes I have been there, am still there. Working but I will post more soon.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/17/2013 11:38 AM

Your cheating is no excuse for her choice to engage in an EA. She needs to go NC with the OM if there is going to be any chance of R.

Unagie posted 7/17/2013 12:08 PM

Dissolving the M is your decision. All we can do is tell you what we feel is best in the situation. What she's doing is not right. You have to decide what your boundaries will be. What are you willing to tolerate? Where do you want this relationship to go? Do you want to be in a relationship where she has an EA right in front of you using blame shifting and justifications to do as she pleases? Sometimes the affair with a deal breaker. She does not now get to eat cake because of your actions. Think about what you want and whether or not that is possible in this relationship the way it is now.

[This message edited by Unagie at 12:08 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Aubrie posted 7/17/2013 15:02 PM

Her EA is exactly how my first one was. Went on for 3-4 years. But hey, it was "ok" for me cause after all, QS knew who I was talking to right??? Surely I get a fancy gold star for being honest about it.

My marriage was dead in the water as long as I talked to my EA partner. Every phone call, text, email, and IM killed my husband a little more each day.

You had an A. You need to fix you.

She is having an A. She needs to fix her too. After she goes full NC and is totally transparent with you.

There are no comparisons of As. "Oh well you had a PA. I'm only TALKING to someone." Doesn't matter. I "only" talked to someone. Four times. Over the course of 10 years. I invested time, energy, and emotion to a person that was outside of my marriage. Almost ruined us to the point of no return.

As long as your wife is doing the same thing, your marriage doesn't have a snowball's chance.

Oh and "Well you had an A first! I'm only evening the playing field!" Ok, so where is the referee that decides that you both are even in destroying one another's hearts?

There's a thread down in I Can Relate Forum for Mathatters. (People who are both betrayed and wayward) You'll find a lot of info and support down there.

Sorry for the situation you're in.

cinnamongurl posted 7/17/2013 23:42 PM

What she's doing is wrong. But I get a feeling from your post, that you may be fishing here for some validation. Maybe I'm off base, but maybe not.

You haven't provided much detail, so I'm sure most folks here have no story to base any helpful information on. Maybe you could provide us with a little back story, so we can better help you.

I appologize, but I have no advice either way on whether you should cut and run, or stay and stick it out. That is something only you can decide. You need to have a frank, open conversation with her. Tell her how you feel. Does she recognize that she is having an EA? Does she know how you feel about it? Are you putting up with her behavior out of guilt?

I think the most important thing you can do here, is start working on yourself.

I hope this didnt sound a little too harsh and i hope it made some sense.

Welcome to SI, Ace. I hope you'll stick around and share. There is so much to learn here, and There are so many wise and helpful folks on here, and on both sides of this destructive, wayward fence.

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