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need an honest opinion: am i coward?

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frankiebaby posted 7/17/2013 05:10 AM

So many of you have been so encouraging to me since I've been on this site, and thanks so much for that.

My background is here, pretty much: and essentially, I'm planning to bail on WH at the end of this month when he's on a business trip. While he's there I plan to call him, confront him, see if he'll admit to it, and then move out while he's away-- he'll come home to an empty house (probably with the worst of his nasty chats with OW nailed to the door along with my wedding ring lol) essentially.

He still has no idea I know about his indiscretions and has been coming in and out as normal-- we've been talking, interacting, eating together. He thinks everything is normal (and thanks to a well-timed fail with my progesterone pills, sex is not an issue right now-- he thinks we can't have it until my body gets accustomed to the treatment.)This is going to broadside him like no man's business.

While I think he completely deserves it, am I taking the coward's way out? Part of me thinks that I should be giving us a chance to talk it out, like so many of you have been doing, but another part of me just wants to be AWAY. I'm an avoider by nature and I HATE confrontation and I'm sure that trait is affecting my decision to essentially "sneak out" in some ways.

AM I a coward? Am I being a bad person by sitting in his house and cooking and eating food and spending money and essentially waiting for my chance to sneak away and leave him flat? Does that make me just as conniving and unfeeling as I feel he's been to me? What are your honest views on my actions? I don't want to be as wrong as he is.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/17/2013 05:16 AM

No. You are not a coward. You do need to get the hell out of there, though.

Flatlined123 posted 7/17/2013 05:27 AM

I wish I'd have left when I found out. I wish I could go back and do it over. Do I think you're a coward for leaving? Are some of us cowards for staying? No matter what it's hard work either way.

Just think about what you want.

I love my H, but R is an everyday choice and it's hard to be faced with my biggest trigger everyday.

It's hard to make a good decision after you just found out. I would say protect yourself as much as you can financially.

Just be true to yourself.

I'd take a picture of the ring and leave it for him and go pawn it so you have some extra $.

hotcoffee posted 7/17/2013 06:42 AM

You are not a coward. You have a plan, please stick to it.

curiouswiz posted 7/17/2013 06:49 AM

No, you're not a coward. You're being your very own heroine!

Take care of yourself. Protect yourself. He won't.

Good luck! It's so very difficult to keep the secret but please do take care of YOU.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/17/2013 06:52 AM

No. You are not a coward. You do need to get the hell out of there, though.

To clarify what I said (see above), I just want you to have confidence in what you're doing. I'm not suggesting you should accelerate your plans. i agree with HotCoffee that you should stick with your plan. You have NO reason to second-guess yourself. What you are doing compares in no way to what he did. Yes, you are "deceiving" him right now and it is not in your nature to deceive, which is a good thing. You are simply in survival mode. Stand pat on your plan.

carnelian posted 7/17/2013 06:57 AM

Coward? Heck no! You are awesome! Planning and executing something this big (and so decisively) takes some major guts, determination and presence of mind.

The reason you're considering any of this is because you're a decent person with a working conscience. Don't get distracted by thinking you can play "fair" or that there's a "right" way to go about doing any of this stuff, because there's not. The rules changed a while ago.

Keep sticking with your plan and

get the hell out of there, though.

wanttogoforward posted 7/17/2013 07:15 AM

Love it! Not a coward at all! I think when you do the phone confrontation you should be upfront tho and tell him has has ONE chance to come clean and tell him otherwise you will be gone when he returns from the trip..... I would say that you know everything and want to hear it from him.... and that without 100% disclosure you are gone.... or was this a dealbreaker and you are gone anyway???
Either way, at least you'll have your say.

callmecrazy posted 7/17/2013 07:18 AM

You are not a coward. If you already are going to leave and put your evidence on the door, what are you looking for exactly with calling him. I only ask bc you need to know what you will do in the slim chance he breaks down and tells you the truth. As someone who has ruined good opportunities, I would encourage you to think a lot bc its easy for emotions to take over. If he says there is no A are you going to tell him what you know and that you are leaving or just say ok hunny and then let him get whacked when he gets home.
Again, I just dont want you to get sucked in like so many have already listed here, wish I would have left immediately.

hotcoffee posted 7/17/2013 07:26 AM

I agree with callmecrazy that you need to game out the confrontation part in advance, if you decide to do it all.

Is there an answer he could give so that you wouldn't leave? If not, are you confronting because there are things you want or need to know even though you are out?

How quickly could he come home if you confronted him? Maybe you should move out before giving him a clue! I'm not sure you owe him anything right now but you do owe it to yourself to be safe.

[This message edited by hotcoffee at 7:27 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 7/17/2013 07:36 AM

Not a Coward. This is protecting you. This doesn't allow him to blameshift, and make you feel like this is your fault or that he is broken and only you can help him. You have every right to make your exit however you see fit.

I would suggest like the others though think through what his possible responses will be and be prepared with how you will respond. If he admits, and fals apart, and begs to do the work of R what will your response be? If he gets angry, and calls you crazy, and all that nonesense what will your response be? Etc. Having a game plan in place will make it much easier on you at the end of the day.

((((and strength))))

frankiebaby posted 7/17/2013 07:43 AM

How quickly could he come home if you confronted him? Maybe you should move out before giving him a clue!

It would take him at least a day and a half to come home from where he's going, which is why it's providential.

If he says there is no A are you going to tell him what you know and that you are leaving or just say ok hunny and then let him get whacked when he gets home.

That mental image made me smile harder than anything has in days. I am going to tell him that I heard from a 'source' that he'd been fucking around, and see what he says to that. If he denies any wrongdoing I'll probably just tell him that I have proof, and that I'm leaving.

Is there an answer he could give so that you wouldn't leave? If not, are you confronting because there are things you want or need to know even though you are out?

This is what scares me the most-- if he comes clean and begs for a reconciliation. I don't know that I WANT a reconciliation. I have copies of FB message exchanges and screen shots. All I want is a verbal admission from him that he did it (which I plan to record.)

If he had fallen into an indiscretion because he'd gotten drunk or because of some mistake or momentary lapse in judgement, I might consider. But the fact that he maintained a relationship with someone, kept in contact with her AND is maintaining a sexually charged EA with his ex fiancee AND is flirting heavily with random women on FB AT THE SAME TIME is what gives me pause. I was reading a chat in which he was talking to his ex and she was worried about me finding out that they talk; he said that would never happen, because I "respect his privacy."

His actions to me seem deliberate and premeditated. He's really leading a double life. It isn't just a temporary slip up or "mistake." But if he comes clean I might feel obligated/guilted into "working" on our marriage, which I really don't want to do. He broke his vows after six weeks, why should I work on it now?

[This message edited by frankiebaby at 7:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Later posted 7/17/2013 07:45 AM

What you are doing in no way compares to what he is doing. He put you in an awful position, and you are handling it the best way you know how.

Blobette posted 7/17/2013 08:02 AM

I think your plan is awesome. Go for it, and don't look back.

Opheliapain posted 7/17/2013 08:04 AM

I will tell you why I do not find your actions cowardly. HE changed the terms of your marriage and you had not input in that decision. So you get to have complete control over this one.

If he tries to convince you that you are being a coward remember that you did not hide multiple affairs. THAT is cowardly. This is protection.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/17/2013 08:44 AM

I'm LOVING your plan. Tons of people are told to find a safe place to be when they file for divorce, and I find what you're doing to be similar. You are protecting yourself, and that's not cowardly, that very VERY wise..

My only reservation would be revealing your sources. If you think there is any small chance that you will try to reconcile, you don't want him knowing what you have access to or how you found out. You may want those sources in the future as a tool to ensure his trustworthiness, and you wouldn't want him taking the affair further underground.. You may even want them right off the bat to figure out whether he is really coming clean or not.. Let him squirm trying to figure out how you know..

You also don't want to be charged with illegal spying or whatever it's called..

I really wish I was as smart and brave as you when I found out. You are amazing, and I wish you the best..


ETA: Just read the post you referenced above, and I take back anything I said about reconciling. This guy duped you from the beginning, and he does sound like a serial cheater, so I definitely recommend leaving and going dark on him. And I do think you would qualify for an annulment.

I still don't think revealing your sources is a great idea.. You don't have to give him a reason that you are leaving. I don't think anything you say will have an effect on him, so best not to say anything at all.. Good luck. Sending hugs and strength your way..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 8:54 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

ladies_first posted 7/17/2013 08:49 AM

frankiebaby, It's your life and you must take whatever action you need in order to feel safe.

But I'll tell you that my best friend did this IRL. I helped her parents move her out of a McMansion in one day. Honestly? It just prolonged the drama. He played hide and seek after she went missing. Rather than "simplifying" her divorce, it turned her ex into a stalker. Where was she living? Who was she seeing? (Nobody!) Why did she move out? (Because he Cheated? Yes, but he was in denial. He hadn't imagined this consequence.) He'd park at her work and follow her everywhere in his car.

They played hide-and-seek until the police were involved. It got ugly! The drama far outweighed her intended purpose: which was a clean break.

Made closure difficult.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 8:53 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

TrustGone posted 7/17/2013 08:58 AM

No!!!You are not a coward. I wished I had went through with the D after DDay#1. I was working out of state when OW called me to tell me about their LTA. I was devasted, 1500 miles from home, and alone. It was horrible. I had to fly home, have my in-laws pick me up at the airport, and I went straight to my attorney and filed for D that day. I should have packed a bag and left, but instead when he got home, I listened to his lies, blameshifting reasons, etc..(Before SI) and canceled the D. Then I find out a year later he just took the A underground. He did end it then, but by this time I was too sick and broke to leave him. I needed the insurance coverage since I lost my job after DDay#1. Had I have just filed for D, then left and went back to my job, I would have been better off today. Now I am stuck, he is fixing to lose his job after 30yrs, and we will have no insurance anyway. He is regretful, but not remorseful and just rug sweeps everything.

If your WH has been cheating since right after your wedding and you have no children together I think you are doing the smartest thing. It will be easier to start a new beginning without trying to help him fix his brokeness, if that is even possible. Get out while the getting is good and to hell with the "what if's". You deserve so much more in life than to spend it with a lying cheater. R is too hard for alot of the BS and WS's that have been together for years and have children. I would think it would be especially hard for someone like yourself who has no children and a relatively short time with him. Had I left XWH#1 when he first cheated shortly after our marriage, my life would be so different now. Now I am on WH#2 and have spent almost my whole adult life with lying cheaters. My children have suffered greatly for my decision to stay for so many years trying to make my marriages work and fix the brokeness in my WS's (which I can't do).

IMO your decision to handle it this way is the best way and is brave. You will save yourself from future pain and will be happier that you stood up for yourself and did not let the asshole continue to disrespect you. If you have to make the phone call, I understand, but do not let him blameshift or make promises he will probably not keep. He will lie and try to downplay his behavior. He will make excuses and try to blameshift. Then he will promise to change, but in reality he probably won't change, but get better at hiding it. State the facts and then hang up and go NC except for texts or emails concerning finances and the D. I promise you will look back years from now and be glad that you got out of this toxic relationship. (((HUGS)))

sisoon posted 7/17/2013 09:08 AM

I HATE confrontation

That's a big problem, and I hope you solve it. That could be why you're questioning your plan, and I agree there's a serious passive-aggressive aspect to it. Not good.

What would you do if you were fine with confrontation?

It's very possible you'd do the same thing you plan to do now. If you think you would, it's more support for implementing your plan.

If you'd really rather confront than leave, or if you'd like to leave in a different way, this might still be the right plan for you, since it's pretty difficult to change your behavior successfully during extreme stress.

If you really want to split - if you think splitting now is best for you - then this plan is a good one for you. After all, we all have mixed emotions and reasons for most of the things we do.

If you really want to R, I'd say stay - be ready to leave if your H is unremorseful, but stay for now.

OldCow18 posted 7/17/2013 09:18 AM

You are not a coward, HE is a coward. You are brave. Given that you've been married a short time and don't have kids I LOVE your plan and am secretly fantasizing that I could have done the same. I'm attempting R because we've been together so long and more importantly because of the kids. If he did this prior to kids I'd be done.

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