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summerain posted 7/17/2013 05:24 AM

After the last 'slip up' regarding drooling stalkerishly over 30 photos on each girl in the last two months, I have been allowed to go to his psychologist tomorrow.

Any ideas please?

confused615 posted 7/17/2013 05:28 AM

He's been physically,verbally,and mentally abusive to you many times in the past.

I would ask his IC if they've been working on that. And if he feels you are safe with your WH.

Im sorry about the "slip up."

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:28 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

authenticnow posted 7/17/2013 05:32 AM

I agree with confused615. The two of you seem to have a very toxic relationship. I'd really just try to decide if there is any progress on his part in learning healthy skills and where his behaviors are coming from, including what they are working on to prevent future 'slip ups' (IMO that term minimizes it).

Ending the abuse cycle takes a lot of work on the abuser's part. Mainly I'd try to figure out if your H has it in him to do it.

summerain posted 7/17/2013 05:40 AM

Thankyou very much!

I am unsure as to how I'm supposed to phrase these questions though. Anything I think of seems awkward and doesn't make any sense.

Eta: I say slipup because I have no idea it's supposed to be normal or not, with someone who hasn't cheated

[This message edited by lauren123 at 5:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 7/17/2013 05:45 AM

Ask to speak to him alone. It's clear your WH intimidates you(for good reason).

"WH has been physically abusive to me...are you talking with him about that? Is he learning new coping skills? Can he learn to manage his anger? Is he? How? Am I safe?"

You could write out a list of your questions...Im sure the IC wouldn't mind...this meeting is very important,and you're nervous...make a list.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

summerain posted 7/17/2013 05:48 AM

Thanks confused,

If you don't mind here's some things I've written. There's no way he would let me speak to the psychologist alone.

It upsets me to think that after having the resource of a psychologist, that he would not of been honest and brought this up to you. (The obsessive looking at girls)

I would like to acknowledge that the abusive cycle seems to of ended but I am unsure if I'm supposed to be wary of this reoccurring at a later date

This is also the same with cheating as I believe there are many steps taken before the cheating occurs which is looking obsessively at women we know

In regards to coping mechanisms I am unhappy that he doesn't seem to be doing his recommended two journals a day.

In light of this how do you think he's progressing?

authenticnow posted 7/17/2013 06:17 AM

He's obsessively looking at women and he's not doing the journaling recommended by the therapist.

In light of this how do you think he's progressing?

sisoon posted 7/17/2013 08:28 AM

I'd start from the beginning by asking

1) What are the goals of his therapy? (I was once in a group in which a guy had his W thinking he wanted R but his therapy goal was to split. IIRC, the therapist and the group kept confronting him on his dishonesty.)

2) Has he talked about abusing you? about cheating? about his fascination with pictures of girls?

3) What has he said about you?

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:29 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]