"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

confused4323 posted 7/17/2013 09:04 AM

We have been trying to reconcile since January. During this time I have asked the same questions over and over again because I knew in my head that there was more than he was telling. Of course he promised, he swore, and would get frustrated and mad for having to answer the same questions numerous times.

During his affair for the most part I was aware that it was going on, of course he was lying and telling me nothing was going on. So there were certain times I knew he had met her, but had no proof.

I have been driving myself crazy the past six months wanting to believe him that everything he was telling was it. Deep down I knew there was more. So yesterday I decided that I had to contact his AP to see if she would tell me the truth and of course she did. All the questions I was stuck on she confirmed.

I don't even know where to go from here. I don't think I have anymore left to give. I have told him for the past six months that I wanted to know everything and I wanted to hear it from him. I got none of that. What I got was him being mad and upset because I wouldn't believe him and that makes me even more upset because he was still lying. I had him read things and told him several times that his willingness to be honest would help to rebuild my trust, but he couldn't even give me that. Instead I had to go where I never wanted to go to get the truth. The last thing I wanted to do was have any contact with her, but I feel he left me no choice.

I am so hurt and do know if I have anything left to give. How do you start over again after six months? How could I ever believe him now? Why wasn't I worth the truth? Is it impossible to ever forgive him now?

karmahappens posted 7/17/2013 09:13 AM

I am so sorry.

I don't know why he had to hold onto the truth, other than the fact that he is a coward.

You have to step back and realize that YOU have been trying to R since January. He has been protecting himself.

His actions show you who he is, believe it.

Start to decide what you want for your life going forward.

You don't have to get there today or tomorrow, but start a plan. Maybe R is in your future down the road, but right now, no. He is not there.

Make a plan for yourself to become healthy and strong. Get to a place where you just need you to be happy.

180 his ass and let him know YOU are deserving of better.
You need boundaries and definite deal-breakers if you even decide to try again.Do not accept this behavior from him.

You are not second best, you are worth so much more. Start to make your life about you...if he steps up, great, if you even want him when he does.

If he doesn't, your path will be clear and easy to take.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:16 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

meplusfour posted 7/17/2013 11:07 AM

((confused4323))

You must be incredibly strong to be able to go to the OW to find out information that your WH was withholding. Your WH does not have your best interests at heart (to say the least) and he definately has not been working with you towards R. He knowingly withheld information from you that you needed to heal and move forward, in his own self interest. He was not honest with you, or himself, and is not fully accepting the consequences of his own actions. He is minimizing and hoping that he move past this without doing the hard work necessary. Is he doing anything else to move towards R (total transparency with passwords, cell phone, IC, MC etc...)?

I think you need to detach and start protecting yourself. Take time for you and find out what you really need and want out of life. Accept that you cannot move towards R without total commitment from your WH and you cannot make him want something that he is not ready or willing to commit to. Start rebuilding your life by exercising, seeing friends, renewing old interests or finding new ones. Spend time with your daughters, they need a strong female role model right now.

Sending you strength.

confused4323 posted 7/17/2013 20:12 PM

I am not sure why he held on to the truth so hard either. As far as being a strong person to contact her, I really don't think so. I put it off for months. The only reason I did it was because I felt like I was at the end of my rope.

The funny thing was that I already had in my head that if he was lying about anything I would be gone. I am not sure why I am still here. The more she talked the more I stopped listening because I think I was in complete shock. The whole conversation lasted less than 5 minutes. After talking to her of course then he decided to fill in the rest of the blanks. He keeps trying to tell me that he was telling me the truth about loving me and the fact that he really wants to be here. Not very comforting though. If I had up the affair and the last six months of false r it would be almost a year. Makes this that much harder. I have lost a year of my life all based on his lies. I lost 30 pounds, I lost any form of happiness, and have completely lost my mind.

Now I am left completely devastated again and have no idea what to do. I don't want to stay as much as I don't want to leave. Part of me wants to try again, but I know deep down that I can never forgive this. I can't be with somebody the rest of my life that I can't trust or forgive. That would not be fair to either one of us. I just can't make myself take a step out the door. So lost.

kiki1 posted 7/17/2013 21:07 PM

(((confused)))

I'm sorry. I too have struggled with my h withholding truth that i asked for.

I dont know why he does so, but what i do know is that it has slowly killed whatever love i had left for him.

I am giving up. I have seen many red flags since dday, but always hoped he would come round. I just continue to get more pain

I know he's afraid, but i also know he has to be stronger than that if we are to make it.

When he lies, it makes me feel as if he feels I am someone still stupid enough to be fooled.

How do you know you can believe what the OW says? I would never have approached her like you did. I know she would lie to protect him.

confused4323 posted 7/18/2013 00:14 AM

He confirmed everything she had told me.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/18/2013 01:01 AM

Oh (((((confused4323))))))

I'm so sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

something you said:

He confirmed everything she had told me.

He wouldn't tell you anything, and then after you talk to OW, he confirms what she said.

I'm sorry to tell you that there is more...there always is. He did the classic WS thing of only admitting to what he has been caught doing. What you don't know, or can't prove, he won't admit to.

Please read the Healing Library for strategies to get your sanity, and personal power back. You will find it up at the left hand corner, in the yellow box.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Breathe, read, drink water, sleep, learn. When you are ready, you can make decisions as to leave or stay.

One thing you need to establish now, is that your H must stop the A immediately to remain with you. He must send a NC (no contact) letter, and you must approve of what is in it, and be sure it is actually sent.

Do you have all his passwords to all his devices? He needs to hand it all over, so you can establish, in your own mind, that he is not still lying. If he balks, make him walk...for the time being.

sisoon posted 7/18/2013 08:56 AM

What karmahappens said, and...

As far as being a strong person to contact her, I really don't think so. I put it off for months.

One of things every BS needs to do, IMO, is to change internal messages to positive ones and stop sending negative ones. (Nothing untrue needs to be said.)

In this case, accept that you're very courageous to approach ow. Period. Not many of us could have done it.

Are you in IC? That could help you analyze your conflicting thoughts and feelings and decide what to do next.

Are you in MC? A good MC could get your H to understand why truth is so important.

Is your H in IC? If not, it doesn't sound like he'll find the strength and courage he needs to change. Don't get me wrong - he's got the necessary strength and courage; it's just that he probably won't use it unless he gets support.

confused4323 posted 7/18/2013 17:18 PM

He hasn't had any contact with her since December. I am absolutely positive about this. So I think a NC letter would almost be stupid at this point. I am also almost positive that after talking to her and then to him again I pretty much know everything. After she told me of a few more meeting he gave me even more. My biggest struggle now is whether or not it is even possible for him to rebuild trust. I thought the only way for him to do that was to be completely honest and answer all my questions truthfully. Now that I have all the answers from her, what could he possibly do to start rebuilding trust?