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OldCow18 posted 7/17/2013 09:06 AM

How is my life as I knew it, all we've built for 15 years , our family, destroyed, how am I in this much agonizing pain just because he wanted to eff someone else? How can that be? How can that be the reason? How do I accept that? How is his d/ck worth more than everything that meant something to me?

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:06 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Garnet posted 7/17/2013 09:37 AM

The million dollar question..... How??? I am 2 years post d-day and how is a question I think you will be asking yourself for a long time!!! My answer, broken people WH/AP!!! They choose selfish behavior because they are broken. Worry about yourself and your kids and that's it. You are more important than his brokenness !! "Any secret relationship is not a relationship at all". Hope you can find time to read the healing library, very helpful!!

Jospehine85 posted 7/17/2013 09:38 AM

How is my life as I knew it, all we've built for 15 years , our family, destroyed, how am I in this much agonizing pain just because he wanted to eff someone else?

Because that is trauma.

How can that be? How can that be the reason?

Because your WH was a completely selfish ass.

How do I accept that?

You tell yourself your WH was a completely selfish ass. Over and over again.

How is his d/ck worth more than everything that meant something to me?

Because your WH was shallow. Incredibly shallow.

Is he the same person now that he was? Or has he decided to change?

OldCow18 posted 7/17/2013 09:51 AM

Garnet, I have read just about every article in the healing library and it would seem just about every article/blog on the whole dang internet. It's all I've been doing for 6 weeks. Trying to understand. I'm having a bad day and these feelings came back.

Josephine, thank you, you are right. As for him he's ended the A and is all about R. Doing whatever he can, IC, reading, showing remorse, etc. Me though? I'm in hell. Thankfully I have IC this afternoon.

Garnet posted 7/17/2013 09:59 AM

Glad to hear your reading and attending IC. Both very important components to healing for you and your children!! That's all fine and well he's doing the work as he should be, but is he in counceling himself?? Hope your day gets better!! I remember the early phase and the feelings that come with it, sometimes still do.

Garnet posted 7/17/2013 10:00 AM

Sorry just asked a question that was already answered, glad he's in IC too!!

shatteredheart7 posted 7/17/2013 10:07 AM

I Agree! They are/were very selfish people and they are/were broken.

My H admitted this to me. He said that he knew it was wrong, couldn't look at himself in the mirror and when he did didn't like the person he was becoming. He knew he was being selfish, but continued the A for 2+ years. It was only after I moved out that he started going to IC and realized he was broken, depressed and just how miserable the A made him.

You can't fix their brokenness... only they can do that and they have to see that they are broken and be willing to fix themselves. I had begged him to get help for 2 years before he finally got that I was right and wasn't nagging him because I didn't love him but because I did love him! Didn't help that OW was telling him how perfect he was either. Sometimes I think if she had gotten what she wanted, him to leave me and be with her 100%, she would have been in for a huge surprise! He was a major ass for those 2+ yrs! Every one else seen it. Guess she thought she could fix him once she took him away from me completely but we will never know as he dropped her like the piece of trash she is as soon as he figured out what his problem really was and that she was contributing to it.

Its not our fault, they were selfish... that is all on them.

Garnet posted 7/17/2013 12:38 PM

Hey shattered, your story sounds just like mine!! Husband was in an affair for 2+ years with a girl we both went to high school with!!! Telling him how wonderful he is. Yea the whore in my world would have been in for a big surprise too. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful person but he was broken. Severe Un diagnosed ADD, that in itself almost killed us. She also got dropped like trash as soon as the shit hit!! It's so weird they stay, knowing what they were doing to someone elses family, sneaking around having to keep secrets, its so toxic!! this stuff just kills me!!! Did u ever confront the whore?? Or her husband?? If so, how'd it go??

shatteredheart7 posted 7/17/2013 15:32 PM


She isn't married, she is divorced with 4 kids. I did out her to her mom, although she never replied back to me and she use to watch the kids for her so she could meet up with him in the summer so I am guessing she already knew. They all 3 bowled together on the same team. I did confront her, numerous times. She has never said a word to me, although she does flip me off and give me dirty looks when she sees me. I just laugh at her and I have taken a pic of her flipping me off then emailed it to her with a nasty comment.
My husband is also a wonderful guy. He has a family history of bi polar and severe depression and he was always scared of "being like his mom and brother". He got help for his severe clinical depression on his own and I didn't find out about the A until he confessed 7 months after he had ended it. He is now back to his wonderful, loving, caring self. I understand his How and his Why now, and I understand why she did what she did. She was looking for someone to take care of her, she struggles financially (lives in a house her mom owns, drives a car that is about to fall apart etc) and my husband has a great job that allows us to want for nothing and do fun things. He is also pretty nice to look at... but the only thing that makes any sense to me about how she could do that to another woman, another family, is she is morally and emotionally immature. She is lower than trash and will live out her days lonely, bitter and sad.

Sorry for the T/J OldCow!!!

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