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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: I think I finally get self worth
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been struggling everyday with understanding this concept of self worth/ self esteem.

This pain is so deep for me because of me.

I never learned to see myself, see what a wonderful person I am. (so hard to even say that) I now have to look hard at myself and see and acknowledge all the good things about me. It's all about how I feel about me, not how he feels about me.

He was the first man in my life to ever treat me with kindness, to say good things about me. I relied on him to make me feel worthy. I allowed him to start abusing me, it was familiar, but I excused it, refused to see how bad it was. I wasn't able to face that the love I thought I had was a lie. It was not enough, I deserved more. I couldn't face that I was not loved again.

I was raised to be worthless and just never knew any better.

I trusted him with myself in a way that no one should ever do. I was willing to accept any amount of abuse to feel love.

When he chose someone else over me, left me for another woman it said to me that I was not good enough. Not only was I not good enough now but I had never been good enough.

He left me because a stranger was more valuable, was better than me. It confirmed everything that I have carried around inside since I was a child.

Children learn from those that are supposed to love them. Abuse them and they learn that is normal, it is familiar. They learn to survive, not to live. This is so sad.

I now see that those lessons, those things I was taught by the ones that I should have trusted have shaped my whole life. They have shaped how I view myself and how I have behaved. Now that I see this, really understand, now is the time to change. To protect myself, to recognize when something hurts and stand up for myself. To learn what pleases me, what makes me happy.

I think this may turn into the biggest change of my life. The chance to live for myself first. I will survive this and be a stronger, confident person not because of this but in spite of it.

I can still be kind, I can still love. Now I must love myself first and love others in the way they deserve it, not unconditionally.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the smile Chicho! Now my challenge is to believe what I say!

Getting the heart to catch up to the brain.

I need to find some books on building self worth and recovering from childhood abuse.

You think it is in the past, but until you examine it, confront it, it follows wherever you go.

Realizing this makes sense to me, makes me feel better. At the same time it makes me want to cry and scream. No one ever protected me and now I realize I never protected myself either.

I abused myself by allowing others to abuse me. Not as a child of course, but as an adult. I did not have to live this way. It is hard to face.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Born to Win by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward.

Going from 'Not OK' to 'OK' was a tremendous change for me. It didn't solve any problems, but once I realized I'm OK, you're OK, and they're OK, problems became a lot easier to solve.

Go for it, cant. You have nothing to lose but imaginary chains. (Alas, even imaginary chains are powerful until you realize they're not really there....)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10581 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To learn what pleases me, what makes me happy.

Sounds like fun!

Huge, huge insight there, cantaccept.

Here's a friendly tip: It's all about the journey, and less about the outcome.

Let's say you try scuba diving; let's say you find out you hate it -- it's expensive, it takes many weeks to get certified, you feel claustraphobic under water, whatever ...

That is *NOT* failure. That's cantaccept crossing scuba diving off her bucket list. And, as we say in New Beginnings, on to the "Next!"


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
soveryalone1
♂ 39807
Member # 39807
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He left me because a stranger was more valuable, was better than me. It confirmed everything that I have carried around inside since I was a child

^^ I am very new to the forum, but I have read many, many posts and this quote jumped off the computer screen at me and shook me to the core. I was abused in my teens and I learned to hate myself, to feel guilt, shame, self doubt. When my Ex fiancé ( together 12 years) when she started an EA with an old friend of ours , I felt all the unworthiness , the shame. So I just felt so unworthy and honestly just felt replaced , I felt hated by her, and just thrown out like trash, replaced with someone better , better looking a harder worker , better in bed, I couldn't handle her "friendship" which I knew was much more , so I left , and she let me , but I still felt like she threw me out like a piece of trash. All of the stuff I had buried way down came rushing to the surface, and not only was I dealing with the pain , anger, emotional roller coaster of the EA, and the end of the relationship ( she started seeing him 3 weeks after I left) anyways I know exactly what you are feeling right now. And I also know I need to work on myself and start to love myself before I ever try to love someone else again, if I am ever brave enough. But part of me feels so worn down, so deep in pain, so lost. Part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and just lay there, this world has battered me down so often , its all I know. I also know my Ex fiancé was abusive towards me as well, so I know about getting used to it, feeling like that's what love is meant to be, god the more I think about this the more I think I never ever want to allow someone close to me ever again, and that thought comforts me. I really would want to be in love again, but only after I love myself, only when I am healed , when I am well. in any case , I just wanted to let you know , you are not alone, ironic coming from someone named " Soveryalone" I know :)

[This message edited by soveryalone1 at 4:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


jao

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vermont USA
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cantaccept))) this resonates with me very much. My father was mentally ill and extremely emotionally abusive. My mother's form of dealing was to put her head in a hole. I didn't get much in way of protection. The funny thing was, I thought I had dealt with all of that. Then the A happened and I realized that I had settled for years, all because I didn't believe I deserved better.

I was raised to be worthless and just never knew any better.

I trusted him with myself in a way that no one should ever do. I was willing to accept any amount of abuse to feel love.

My WH's behavior was less abusive and more like the neglect I received from my mother. Coming to terms with it was equally hard.

This lesson and dealing with the pain associated with it was one of the most painful parts of recovering from this trauma. It hurt me so much to realize that I didn't find myself worth a better marriage or a better partner. I was afraid to demand too much from him right after Dday because if I wasn't a doormat he might leave me. I then tried to fix our marriage for both of us because surely I must have been the root of his decision to cheat.

It still makes me so sad to think that I got to this point in my life carrying around all of that.

The turning point for me was telling my WH I was done and moving forward like I was. I concentrated 100% on me, healing me, looking at WTF was wrong with me to allow myself not to be valued like the amazing strong survivor I am. My WH surprised me and embarked on his own healing journey; but even if he hadn't, I would have been okay. Once I got to the bottom of all of the feelings you are identifying, I never once worried about being alone. Something that has terrified me since I was a child. I knew I could be very happily single, raising healthy, happy daughters. This feeling was more liberating than I can explain.

Cantaccept, hold on to these feelings and do not let them go. Use them to propel you to your next stage of healing with or without him. If he is worthy of you, truly worthy, he will fix himself and prove to you that he is willing to be the healthy partner you deserve. If he isn't, you deserve better. Take care of you.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your post cantaccept!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello and thank you again to everyone.

Soveryalone I pm'd you.

sisoon Thank you for your words again. You have been a source of inspiration for me. I will seek out that book. Also I think I should now be called Can instead of Can't!

ladies, it is about the journey. I agree, I hope that it is fun.

hopeful, it is so sad how we carry around all of this baggage. I too thought that I had dealt with all of this, that it didn't matter anymore. Surprise!

knowing, you are welcome! Not quite sure why I deserve a thank you, but if it offered something for you, I am grateful. I feel so very self absorbed. I guess that is how I need to be right now. That is ok too!

This is just the beginning for me. I keep wondering how such a simple concept could be so elusive, so foreign to me. Then I have to stop myself, stop criticizing myself, I just never learned. Thankfully now I have the chance.

To the journey...


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 9

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