The damn rabbit hole. Stay out of the f-ing rabbit hole.
I guess the last couple of days showed me a couple of things: A)The damage lingers deep inside for a while. B) I still need to work on allowing myself to trust.
Long story long, JNRPA is up in Washington with the family. I will be joining them in about two more weeks, but for now we have been separated for two weeks as I finish up some work down here in Phoenix.
I am staying with one of my oldest friends. He happens to be a wayward who blew his marriage up and is now divorced. I remain friends with his wife and they alternate spending time with our family as our children essentially grew up together.
Yesterday I went down the rabbit hole. There was really no reason to. R has been great. She has been texting me daily and we have been talking nearly every day.
But sure as shit, the comparisons started up in my head. When she was in her long distance affair, calling him was the first and last thing she did every day. I get a call a day, and it's not all about love and roses, it's about problems with the new house, problems with the kids, etc. (that's an exaggeration..but that's how I was feeling).
So for no good reason, all the affair shit starts going through my head, anger comes back, resentment, mistrust.
I haven't done this in a while but I went online to check texting and phone calls. I notice three texts at midnight on the bill, and don't recognize the number. And sure as shit, panic sets in. Then I spend the rest of the day analyzing every damn number over the past six months. Turns out the midnight text was actually with her cousin about the kids playing together today (confirmed..and it was at 11:00, not 12...verizon had the time screwed up).
But really Wonderboy? I sent her a terse text last night and then refused to pick up her call. I again didn't answer this morning and was terse with her this morning via text.
The sad thing was, I knew that she hadn't done anything, and I knew that my fear and anger were irrational. Friggin stupid to waste almost two days simmering in rage, over nothing.
So I called her this morning, embarrassed. At least I was able to articulate my feelings, and that I knew that they were not related to anything she had done recently, and that this was my issue.
I know she is getting it, because she didn't get defensive about her behavior, all she did was apologize for putting these fears in me.
Ugggg, after 18 months, learning to trust is still difficult. I guess I am getting there. I did recognize that my anger/fear were misplaced an imaginary. But crap, I just wish that I could keep myself from even going there in the first place.
Sigh, with time I guess.
I could be getting whiny, I miss my wife and kids.