SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

chimiwesita posted 7/17/2013 15:35 PM

i am here because i am asking for help. if i knew how to solve my issue i probably had already. i know i have made mistakes but believe it or not i beat myself up for them. but still keep returning to the drug . i decided to call the affair the drug because that is what it is to me.

Aubrie posted 7/17/2013 15:40 PM

What exactly is so addicting about your affair? What is it that you can't/won't give up?

Your affair partner is a "counselor". You do realize that since you met him in your counseling sessions that you have a 95% chance of being only one of many of his affair partners don't you? Do you like the idea of only being his Tuesday 3:00 appointment? Don't you think you're worth more than a few stolen moments?

chimiwesita posted 7/17/2013 15:56 PM

should i vent at him with facts like those to see his reaction?

Aubrie posted 7/17/2013 16:01 PM

What do you think he'll do? Quit his job as a counselor, or swear to only counsel men, and proclaim his undying fidelity to you?

What do you think a "vent" to him would accomplish?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 7/17/2013 17:07 PM

There's no point in saying anything at all to this guy.

I think that you should go back to some less ambiguous terms regarding the counselor who you fucked. That isn't a drug. Calling it a drug is removing the reality of what you did from the person you did it with.

Any licensed phsychologist who has sex with his patients should be turned in and have their license revoked. If he is an attorney, then he should be turned into the State Bar and he will likely be investigated.

Take off the rose-colored glasses and stop letting this guy manipulate you into wanting the high ever again.

stilllovinghim posted 7/17/2013 17:22 PM

^^^^^What Bax said x2^^^^^

Go NC with this a-hole asap. Just the thought of you "telling him off" is getting you hot, huh? I can hear the excitement in your response to Aubs. Turn this pos in and get your shit together. Stop making excuses.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 5:22 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

authenticnow posted 7/18/2013 06:17 AM

***Posting as a member***

I agree 100% with Baxter.

Stop giving OM so much power in this. He is a counselor who is fucking his client. Venting to him is what you went there for and he had an A with you. That is all kinds of fucked up.

Get away from him and focus on what you need to do to save yourself and your M if that's what you want.

What are your plans? What do you want?

chimiwesita posted 7/18/2013 08:37 AM

Thanks for everyone replies. I appreciate your passion against infidelity. I welcome all since I understand we are all in the same boat. Hope it makes everyone feel better.
However, no matter what I say I think you all have your minds made up about my situation. First, there is some confusion about this person. He is an attorney. The psychologist I mentioned is the one I went to before during and after this events. I went before for individual and marital counseling. During the events at the very beginning she was misled too by the way this gentleman approached me. She and I really believed that he was interested. When things became evident to her that he had misleads us both, she tried to stop me but it was to late. That is why I call it an addition because even after knowing that something is not good for you you continue with it.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/18/2013 09:03 AM

Okay, so the phsychologist is off-limits, except that she had something to do with your initial intro to the OM attorney? But then she saw how messed up he was and is helping you to get out of that situation?

As to the attorney, did you ever hire him for professional services? If not, then fine. If so, he needs to be turned into the bar.

Okay, next subject, the addiction. I get it. Most of us here probably totally understand what you mean by the addiction. I was just trying to break through using some strong language. If it was off-base, then fine. The SI motto stands...take what you need and leave the rest. As to us having our minds made up, all we have to go on is what we read here. I thought that I had deciphered your situation by reading your older thread. What we do know though is that you are feeling the addiction and it is very difficult for many people to get over the AP. Some can drop the AP in an instant. Others, well it can drag on for a very long time, years even. And that is the hardest thing of all to read how a WS is putting their BS through such pain. I know because I did it.

So, I sort of have my mind made up about you, but only because I was you. That doesn't mean that our situations are the same or the path forward will be the same.

You will have to work very hard to break this addiction. First step is NC. There is no point in talking to this guy ever again. You may want to rage. You may want to put all the facts out there. The reality is that it won't matter to him, and you will never get what you're seeking from him. Again, I know because I did it.

You need to realize that his end goal was probably just another piece of tail. Despite the feelings that you experienced, and are fighting right now, this guy likely only gave you enough of what you needed so that he could get what he needed. And to turn that one around a bit...you are actually doing the same thing. You are manipulating him and yourself to get that high that you crave so very much. You're doing it to yourself now. So you are the one in control here, not him. And it wasn't even him that made you feel this way. It was just the A itself, not the individual.

Consider changing IC's. When you find a new IC you are comfortable with, go in there with a plan. Don't use it as a weekly session to pine for the OM and wonder what would have been. Actually go in there with the plan to make yourself a better person, a person who won't cheat.

Sorry for the 2x4's earlier. I only use them when I think someone is trying to diminish what actually happened.

JustDesserts posted 7/18/2013 09:04 AM

My two cents: You say you're addicted, and you say you are asking for help. But your words are focused on rationalizing and justifying what you know is self-destructive behavior. You write as if there is nothing you can do to stop "using" the "drug" that you've empowered this attorney who is CLEARLY using you to represent. He is using you because you are letting him do so. In other words, you are using yourself because you are unwilling to face reality...a reality you entered into even against the advice of your therapist (who, as an aside, seems imho suspect in terms of what you've shared).

Do you really want help? Are you willing to stop empowering others, and start empowering yourself?

At the moment, while I will be rooting for you, I can't say I feel much confidence in your willingness to face...YOU. I speak from experience in this regard.