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Am I misreading this situation with my X?

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32mor posted 7/17/2013 15:58 PM

Need some advice, as lately I'm about to lose it. My X "broke it off" with her affair partner a few months ago. Her lease is up at the end of this month conveniently, and she's been coming at me for the past 2 months about getting back together and last week propositioned me to rent a room in my home to her to make it easier on the kids and possibly see if we can make it again. I'm well aware of the obvious and how self-serving this is so no advice needed on that. She is moving back in with her parents as she goes back to school and gets her life back on track.

I've been doing very good at NC for a long time despite the CONSTANT beratement of emails, texts, etc. like the below, on how "damaging" that what I am doing wrong and how it affects the kids. While the kids are having a tough time, at times, I feel she is highly exaggerating the situation. We have split custody and I work my ass off to make it as normal as possible and stable while the kids are here. I can get into details and provide examples of what I'm doing right and what I feel she is doing wrong but it is seriously exhausting and I've reached my breaking point. She's now using what she feels as my lack of parenting or blaming me for the issues she's having with the kids during her time as my fault or damaging the kids.

Having a hard time if I should continue to ignore and carry about my business as I'm doing the best I can. She wouldn't listen to me anyway and feel she will only try to manipulate me into trying to do something that will only benefit her. Am I doing something wrong??!!

I am done with everything! I am a human being and can only handle so much, and I have reached my breaking point a long time ago. I am just in pure survival mode at this point and just trying to get through day by day, which I am barely doing. Everyone, and I mean everyone from doctors, counselor, support groups, etc. has told me what we are doing is very destructive for these kids.

You are so self-involved with your own feelings, you don't even see what is happening with the kids, and I can't do it anymore. You don't see them, listen to them and you take the easy way out and I am supposed to pick-up the pieces as usual, when I have them. You have damned me to hell for what I did, and in the meantime are making the kids suffer. I hope and pray you never need forgiveness, because God sees and knows what you are truly doing in your heart. I am pulling DD from (activity) because I can no longer do it both financially and with the driving. This is so sad because she loves it and is good at it, but I can no longer try to do everything. I have to make hard choices now, and things have to change.

You do whatever you need to do, but you and only you chose this path of making our lives miserable forever. DD hates how you guys are always gone and she does not spend quality with just you, like she told me about Father's Day. You do it the easy way by always going somewhere with them, going out of town, or have your family come there. If you went thru that divorce support group last year, you would know how important their parents are, and that alone, but you choose to play games to not support that. DD sees it and knows it and do you even listen to what she says to you. You only care about how you are handling things. Now, I am only going to concentrate on what I need to do to care for our children. I love you with all my heart, but I hate you even more for what is happening to our kids and you not caring because you are so fucking stubborn to deal with me. I am still a fucking human being!!!!

Parallel parenting, or whatever the hell you read somewhere or someone told you, is bullshit and you can shove it up your ass. Go on covering things up and not dealing and thinking you did nothing wrong, but our kids will surely suffer forever and you are not paying attention. Listen to this! I am done with everything!!! I will never again take our daughter somewhere and her melt down like that and tell someone how she hates her parents. I am done!

GabyBaby posted 7/17/2013 16:30 PM

Oh your XW has some freakin' nerve! I was literally reading her email with my jaw dropped in disbelief.

Here's what's NOT normal:
Mommy and Daddy are divorced, but Mommy lives in a room in our house. Sometimes, Mommy has friends over. Other times Daddy has friends over. But we're all happy.

Uhhh....does that seem "normal"? That wouldnt confuse the kids much at all, huh? Your XW is delusional if she thinks "renting a room" situation would work.

Second, some points from her email:

You do whatever you need to do, but you and only you chose this path of making our lives miserable forever
Says the cheating ex-wife.

If you went thru that divorce support group last year, you would know how important their parents are,
Again- this from the woman who blew up your family?! She wasn't thinking about your kids or "how important parents are" when she was schtooping OM.

In her email I saw a load of "I" and not a whole lot about DD (except to show how it was effecting XW).
Please ignore this drivel. Do not respond. In fact, if you have a bird cage, print the email out and use it as cage liner. That's about all it is worth.

Focus on your DD if she is actually having difficulties. However, if she seems normal and well adjusted when she's with you, I think its likely that its anger toward her mother that your XW is getting a bitter taste of.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:43 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

32mor posted 7/18/2013 07:12 AM

Thank you Gaby, your post meant a lot and was very helpful. I struggle with what I'm doing daily and not communicating with her unless it is kids & finances, period; and I only do that via email so I can control my emotions. I see my DD struggle at various times, but it is usually as a result of her mother. Meaning, she'll come to my house after a few days of being with her and tell me that mommy cries a lot and needs daddy's help; and doesn't understand why we can't/won't get back together. I have a hard time constantly explaining it to her and trying to be a broken record by saying the same thing over and over.

I know my X is having a bitch of a time and think you are spot on that my DD is displaying anger at her mother, but these constant emails that I'm doing something wrong makes me question what I'm doing. In reality, I am just doing what I feel is best for both me and the kids, but when someone is constantly in your ear and telling you otherwise, it makes me feel like I'm f-ing up my kids.

[This message edited by 32mor at 7:14 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 7/18/2013 07:27 AM

So the woman that wrote that email has *this* as her goal???

she's been coming at me for the past 2 months about getting back together and last week propositioned me to rent a room in my home to her to make it easier

Gee, I can't understand why in the world you wouldn't be jumping all over the chance!

Gaby was spot on, so I'll just say......carry on with NC.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/18/2013 08:02 AM

If you have closed the door forever for reconciliation here is a possible response:


I realize, profoundly, how broken marriages and relationships affect children adversely. It breaks my heart to see them cry and see their world torn apart.

Your advice is noted, and I will try to spend more one-on-one time with our children, rather than try to entertain them with trips or activities or have my relatives visit to give them a larger sense of family, which I had hoped would make them feel more secure.

You say I am too self-involved. While I will do a self-check on this as you advise, I would suggest you do the same.

You are miserable, I think, and your unhappiness is less out of the concern for the children, than because your boyfriend situation didn't work out as you had hoped, so now you're stuck living with your parents again, out in the world on your own having to recreate your life.

If the boyfriend crush had worked out as you had hoped, you would be happily telling the children how lots of kids have divorced parents, and you would not be giving a thought to moving back in with me. Not one, not even for their sakes.

Truthfully, I think you want to move back in for your sake financially, and while some of your motivation is to make the children's lives go more smoothly each day, your motivation to return is not for wishing to be with me apart from using me for financial and time convenience for you, and for escaping the need to live with your parents. You want me to just fall into line with whatever you need at the time, as if my feelings of personal humiliation, betrayal and loss of trust can be recovered in a snap of a finger at your convenience and time schedule.

Daughter is upset, saying you cry and want me to help you and let you move back in. You are manipulating her by putting her in the middle, placing an unfair burden on her, to believe that it is her responsibility to help you ,and that she is personally failing at this responsibility because I'm not emotionally capable of living with an ex-wife who doesn't want to truly be with me beyond convenience, and so in the future, would likely walk out again putting kids through a second split-up when her finances are better or the next time she met someone she believed would be a "trade up" for her life.

I will work on being closer to the children rather than keeping them busy to distract them. Distraction is how I've overcome my pain of the past two years and had thought it might work for them.

In the meantime, please stop making our children believe that if they try hard enough, they can get their parents back together. Our failures are not theirs to repair. Live with your parents, get counseling at school if they offer it to learn about who you are and what has happened the past two years and why, and you may come to realize why I'm not willing to risk being hurt again by an ex-wife who has little interest in me personally other than for convenience and as the nearest life raft.

Not seeing you or talking to you is how I've dealt best during your affair and the pain it gave me, and your time living with another man. It's how I've had to heal myself. The distance is not done out of spite. It's how I've kept my sanity and dignity, and moved on after you had moved on in your life with another man.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:18 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

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