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So here I am

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confused777 posted 7/17/2013 16:55 PM

I was going to start posting in the reconciliation forum but I realize I am rug sweeping. I have seen a therapist. I had std testing and I'm free from everything. - whew.

I think I am on the fence. I don't see sincere efforts on his part. He gets snippy with me. He hasn't called a counselor. He had trouble sleeping the other night. I asked him if he was upset about us. He said he was a little upset about us but he was worrying about work

I feel like I gave him a slap on the hand. I don't think he understands how hurt I am. I did not say I would stay in the marriage. I said I'd stay if he got help. I don't see that happening.

So, I feel like he's telling me how much I mean to him. Or, is it too early to make assumptions?

Jospehine85 posted 7/17/2013 17:10 PM


Gently, you have been rugsweeping for years.

You confronted him years ago about the motel receipt. He was caught then. He did not change.

On SI there is an often quoted saying: "When someone shows you who he is, believe him."

Your WH has been showing you for years who he is. Believe him. He is telling you that he doesn't want to talk about his issues or change.

The question then remains, is this what you want in a marriage?

confused777 posted 7/17/2013 17:54 PM

You made me cry. I am slowly coming out of my own fog and I don't like what I see. I think I know the answer but wish it wasn't true

confused615 posted 7/17/2013 18:04 PM


burnt_toast posted 7/17/2013 18:04 PM


I'm sorry. You may not see it right now, but seeing the painful truth is better than struggling in the fog. If you see it, it means you are ready for it. We are blind until we are strong enough.

Crying will help you process it. Greiving will allow you to heal. Hang on and post here.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 6:05 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

jjct posted 7/17/2013 19:01 PM


kansas1968 posted 7/17/2013 19:36 PM

You are getting good advice here. Confronting the truth about someone you love and thought loved you can be devastating and frightening. Many of us equate love with fidelity and assume if someone loves us that they will be faithful. As you can see on this web-site, that is not always true. There are close to 40,000 people that have used this website.

Your husband is probably a sex-addict and the last thing a SA wants to do is admit that. That is why he is so defensive. He has separated his need from his marriage and thinks that his "hobby" should not have anything to do with his and your relationship. Called compartmentalizing. He is deep, deep, in the fog, and the sex to him is like a drug. It takes just as much work and pain to kick that habit as it does cocain or heroin.

You need to give him a real hard dose of tough love. He starts counseling or you are gone. Go see and attorney and get your financial ducks in a row. Get some money put aside and make a plan as to living arrangments, the kids if any, and let him know you have done that.
If he resists counseling, start a really hard 180. You need to be in counseling also. Sometimes you can use the same counselor for IC and MC. Depends on the counselor.
We do and it works well. We go separately sometimes and together sometimes. Our counselor gets to hear from both of us and I am sure it better helps her to understand the dynamics of our relationship.

He will continue this behavior until he is forced to stop, either by shame or by the terror of losing you.

If he lets you go without trying to keep you, then you are better off without him. Your future will be one painful revelation after another.
So, so, sorry he has brought this pain upon you, but this is a great place to vent, cry, and, heal. Love and hugs. K

Gipper posted 7/18/2013 11:22 AM

Being on the fence is progress. There are some of us that would ignore this and truly rugsweep. In your heart you know how this will end if he doesn't try any harder than this. It isn't easy, but try to stay strong.

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