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I've dated a few people since I separated 7 years ago. I have always told early in the process about my A. But I'm not sure I'm doing it for the right reasons and I think I might be telling too early.

I know the FBS on here will probably think nothing can be TOO early, but the process goes like this - Meet guy, things are going well, well enough that I start having the internal "crap I'm going to have to tell this guy about one of the worst things I've ever done". Automatically I start feeling less than. And I think when I tell them I suddenly feel unworthy.

This leads to me feeling completely unbalanced in the relationship. I mean, let's face it, THEY haven't told me the shittiest things they've done in their life.

Anyhow, I'm rethinking how soon I tell.

I don't know what to do about the whole guilt, feeling less than part. In general I feel good about myself, but having to admit and kind of relive all that past stuff brings me down all over again.

Posting here, because it seems more like a Wayward issue than a NB one.

To clarify, I've never had a guy stop seeing me after he finds out about the A. So that's not the reason why I want to hold off on telling. I guess it's more I want to trust them before I tell. Sigh. Does that make any sense to anyone?

notmeanymore,

I dated a guy seriously between the divorce and beginning of R (not the OM). I told him about my A before our first date. I had met him, gave him my phone number, and he called me. Earlyish in the phone call, we had made plans for a date; as the conversation went on, we got to talking about stuff and past relationships got brought up. It might be strange to talk about heavy/overly personal stuff that early, but at the time it seemed natural. IDK. Anyway, he asked me why I was divorced.

Since D-day I had made a personal commitment to no more lies, and especially those in the context of a relationship (or potential relationship). I found it ridiculous to even consider answering his question with anything but the truth. So, I told him I'd had an affair. He was pretty good about it; we ended up dating for about a year and a half, and although he made the occasional remark and was a jerk about it on a few occasions, I don't regret telling the truth.

All that being said, I hear what you're saying about wanting to trust the person a little more before bringing it up. It sucks that there's no easy answer; it can definitely be a damned if you do/damned if you don't situation in the sense that if the potential partner asks about it straight out very early on, you either lie (not saying you would) or tell something very personal and very embarrassing very early.

Thanks for the thoughts.

I would never consider lying to them if they outright asked. And honestly, if I found out their previous partner had cheated I'd feel the need to disclose rather quickly also.

My typical M.O. tends to be I bring it up, completely out of context and just blurt it out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm using it to punish myself.

Ok, so I’m probably not the perspective you’re looking for, but as a BH thinking about the possibility of getting back out there I think it is relevant.

I know the FBS on here will probably think nothing can be TOO early

I disagree.

My typical M.O. tends to be I bring it up, completely out of context and just blurt it out.

This would be a much bigger red flag to me than the admission of a previous A. IMO, it says there are still issues that aren’t dealt with. The way I understand it a big part of healing is getting to the point where, yes, it is part of my past (no matter how shitty), I can’t change it, but it doesn’t define me and I have used it to learn and grow. The way I read your post is exactly this:

Sometimes I feel like I'm using it to punish myself.

It seems to me like you might be stuck in shame and/or self-loathing.

As heartbroken alluded, I think as long as you are open and honest the topic will come up naturally when the time is right.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 8:17 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]