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Although I'm still not sure if I *really* love my WH or will be in love again, things are getting better. He is working on himself- MC is helping him (more than me) as it's psychodynamic and his FOO contributed greatly to his infidelity. It's also helping him become more open, with me, and with others. He has said, "I need to up my game" in regards to me, that he needs to remember that it's okay to talk. He is very understanding when I'm triggering or having a bad day- like today. I was clearly angry and sad and he asked me if I was. I denied it at first, but then said I was. He kissed me and told me he loved and adored me, was sorry and he couldn't believe what he has done to me and us. He asked if he could do anything for me- did I want a hug, or to talk, or for him to go away. i settled on, "a cup of tea".

I've also started to instigate affection more. I still sometimes flinch when he touches me, but I am touching him more.

I started antidepressants yesterday. Difficult times but there we go. They're for the massive panic attacks I keep having, which he's been understanding about.

But things are getting better. I am triggering less and feel better about things, but with our 1st anniversary next month, remains to be seen!

hobbeskat,
I am happy things are getting better. You sounded exactly where I was at the same time frame. All of those reactions are very normal and you are progressing normally through it. I am glad to hear that he is working to help you. It has taken me a while to open up to my H when he would ask me what was wrong. Ultimately through the dialog, I was able to continue to do better. I have not had a panic attack in months, I do not trigger like I did. I do love my husband and it is a different love than before. Time really does help, however, the biggest help was both of us being vested in open honest dialog when needed. Furthermore, his support and remorse was essential.

I hope you continue to do better every day!

(((hugs)))

Well, I had a meltdown last night. The MC asked me why I was holding onto my anger. Which set me off on a rant. Of course I'm still angry. She said I sounded angry at myself. And I am and ranted about that, too. I trusted them.

I kept ranting on the way home which led to an argument. I told him to go home and I stayed out for a while. When we got home I posted some very unkind shit about the OW, naming her, on Facebook. It was very immature but I felt completely enraged, how is she living her life oblivious and I'm in so much pain? I hoped it would get back to her since I can't contact her anymore. I deleted it quite quickly. It was very childish but I felt impotent with rage.

I had a long talk with my WH. He cried a lot. I feel better today but still. I do have so much anger at myself. And anger at them both for betraying me when I trusted them. That I'm on antidepressants now. That I feel so scattered.

Anyway. Not a straight line, is it.