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Poll: What are your red flags?

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tabitha95 posted 7/17/2013 20:07 PM

I tend to overlook some red flags in people(or maybe turning red ones yellow in my eyes). I was completely co-dependent in my M, so I know that is part of the reason why. I tend to excuse some things that I probably shouldn't.

I'm not talking cheating red flags....those are obvious as hell to me now and I err on the cautious side. And obviously, not someone who kills kittens or something...but what red flags show that someone isn't the right one for you? That you aren't compatible for the long run?

I'll start with alcohol as a red flag that is too much for me to accept now. XSO's drinking, which he tried to hide from me, lead to a lot of what I would consider him "disappearing". Essentially not hearing from him for blocks of time without knowing why. Such as getting a text from him at 5:00 pm and then not hearing from him until the next morning, like no big deal. And never phone calls. I might detect a slur.

Editing to add about the text part. I mean getting a question like, "how was your day", I answer and nothing. Or one of the final ones of him mentioning going to get ice cream at 8:30 pm, and me replying in the affirmative, and then nothing until the next day because "he fell asleep".

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 8:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

OnceInALifetime posted 7/17/2013 20:56 PM

What an interesting question.

My kids are my barometer. Anyone whom I would feel even a smidgen uncomfortable introducing to my children is not someone for me.

Which means, she has to be kind, no chip on her shoulder, and no hard edge to her. Sarcasm makes me leery. I'm looking for wholesome, with an intact sense of wonder. Hard to find at the ripe age of 47.

If it weren't for my kids, I'd have probably shacked up with someone by now and be in a miserable relationship.

Amazonia posted 7/17/2013 21:06 PM

First one that comes to mind is VICTIM MENTALITY aka BLAMESHIFTING. While I was OLD, I actually had three different guys who I liked, saw 3-6 times and then stopped seeing specifically because they always had an excuse for everything, nothing was ever their fault, and they never accepted any responsibility for anything in their life.

Oh, you didn't get that chief resident position because they gave it to a woman for affirmative action (even though she had better grades than you)?
Oh, you lost your last job because some woman wanted her friend to get the job and accused you of sexual harassment to get you out of the way (even though you were only "kidding")?
Oh, the reason you have never had a long term relationship despite being in your thirties is because your parents got a divorce when you were a kid (and you aren't introspective enough to learn and grow past that)?

Big stuff, small stuff, fucking take responsibility for what happens in your life.

gardenparty posted 7/17/2013 21:13 PM

somebody who is unhappy with the majority of their life, their family, their job and just accepts it, never looks for a solution to any problems. My Ex husband was a misery bag....never, ever happy. It is so demoralizing over the long term.

tabitha95 posted 7/17/2013 21:16 PM

It's true about the kids as a barometer. I do think having the boys kept me from making some quick and rash decisions with dating XSO. I know he would have liked to move in together. It was off-the-table for me because of the kids.

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 9:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

tabitha95 posted 7/17/2013 21:19 PM

Amazonia and Garden Party. Those are good ones too. I'm getting a lot of good advice, and also making me realize that ending things with XSO was probably the right decision.

inconnu posted 7/17/2013 21:47 PM

like Ama said, the victim mentality is a huge red flag for me. Not just for dating, but in people in general.
I've found that most perpetual victims are also very passive aggressive as well. Not the kind of people I voluntarily want in my life, kwim?

SBB posted 7/18/2013 09:20 AM

I have a few.

Jazz Hands, Love Bombing, booze beyond a glass with dinner or a few quiet ones at a BBQ, ANY drug use, zero introspection, a love of cricket, a dependancy on external validation, really critical of self, a time-freak (control), hot temper, recklessness - even if it is 'only once a year'.

I also recently realised I am averse to guys who don't want pets - not because it doesn't suit their lifestyle but because they 'don't get the appeal'.

I've worked out that a dealbreaker doesn't have to be universal wrong for it to be a dealbreaker. Not right for me is reason enough.

lieshurt posted 7/18/2013 09:29 AM

I'm 46, so I'm referring to men in my age range....Living paycheck to paycheck, living with their mother (as a way of life because they can't manage their money), large amounts of debt due to frivolous spending, still going clubbing every week, drinking alcohol daily to excess, dates women in their 20's, 3 or more marriages, no friends their own age but significantly younger, derogatory references to all of their previous SO's, victim mentality, drug user....that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more later

hurtinky posted 7/18/2013 10:20 AM

I'm not dating, but when I did, these were on my list: big ego, brags, dysfunctional relationships with family, poor grooming, finances in a mess, homophobic, racist, obsessed with politics or political issues, inability to be introspective and thoughtful, extreme extroversion (can't tolerate being alone).

asurvivor posted 7/18/2013 11:34 AM

Someone who can only finish a sentence with anyway (or worse anyways) but doesn't finish the sentence and continues to talk about her...oh everything about her...without ever finishing the sentence.

At dinner and she seems more interested in the portfolio than what's on the menu.

No sense of humor or worse, no sense of humor but they think they are amazingly funny.

The first women who offers to pay for the $6 bridge toll (just offers mind you) after receiving a dinner and a night at the symphony, I will ask to marry me...well maybe not but I will like them a lot.

Perfume splashed on so that I taste it in my mouth while sitting 5 feet away from her.

And...get ready for it and hate...anyone who feels the need to put LOL all over an email so that I know that what ever they wrote was so hysterical that I should be laughing out loud which honestly I can't remember ever doing after a LOL.

Edited because I forgot a couple

[This message edited by asurvivor at 12:36 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Hopeful Lady posted 7/18/2013 12:42 PM

Interesting question. I'd say anything that makes me feel uncomfortable with the person is reason enough for me. I don't want to deal with a relationship that does not feel right or that requires too much work at this point in life.

A few specific red flags for me: short temper, trying too hard to create intimacy, controlling, financially messed up, neediness, ever hit a woman, drinking too much.

EvenKeel posted 7/18/2013 15:12 PM

A man who doesn't offer me a bag of mangos!! Sorry - I am still tickled with Cabrona's post.

You know, I have been paying close attention to people's FB pages. Not only what they post...but how their "friends" respond to them or not. This one person that I was emailing with (via OLD) has like 700 friends. Which he should - he is in minstry so that is expected. However, he rarely gets responses. Too me, that means something.
[Not sure quite "what" it means....]

I think it is on the same level to my question of asking them who is their oldest (ie longest) friend and why. When they reply, "I really don't have friends"....then there is a yellow flag for me.

Amazonia posted 7/18/2013 15:24 PM

asking them who is their oldest (ie longest) friend and why. When they reply, "I really don't have friends"

This has never happened to me, but yes, I would definitely think that was a red flag!

I have had guys who have wanted me to create a life for them. My XH was this way, sort of. Except that I moved to be with him. But I've gone out with a few guys who were new to DC (freaking everyone is new to DC ) who wanted me to be their social coordinator, wanted to move into my amazing apartment, wanted to meet my friends (because they didn't have any yet), wanted me to take them to every single popular bar or restaurant in town, wanted to share my hobbies and join my activity groups... gees. Shall I just let you piggy back along on my life? Instead of you having your own?

LACK OF INDEPENDENCE is the red flag here, I guess.

Williesmom posted 7/18/2013 15:39 PM

As a person with no children, I'll take the flip side of OAIL's post.

Anyone that wants me to meet their kids on the second date is a red flag for me. Protect your children, and show that you're an excellent parent!

I also think that people need to have a life. I don't want to be the only thing that someone has going for them. I was to be a great part of their life - not their entire reason for being.

InTheRabbitHole posted 7/18/2013 15:48 PM

Jazz hands and love bombing?

Crescita posted 7/18/2013 15:59 PM

My big two, do not date this person they are bad news;

They have a criminal record
They are a deadbeat parent

You can give the benefit of the doubt on a lot of things, but to me there just arenít enough good reasons for either of the above to even risk playing the odds.

SBB posted 7/18/2013 16:44 PM

Jazz hands and love bombing?

@InTheRabbitHole, Jazz hands is my own - its a spin on Love Bombing. Nature Girl described it best "Overwhelming the target until their defences crumble."

The guy who calls a million times, falls in love within a week. Is proposing within a few weeks. I've never thought it romantic. The sad clown asked me to marry him 6 weeks after we met whilst drunk as a skunk. My response was: "that is so inappropriate" and I was constantly putting the brakes on while he pushed and pushed. I won't fall for that again.

uncertainone posted 7/18/2013 17:09 PM

Not dating. Mine were any form of racism or bigotry. Huge. Living crises to crises...someone always pissing them off or annoying them. Now they treat servers at bars and restaurants. How they deal with family. How good a parent they are. How they respond to discussions where "we" disagree. How interested in other's plights (genuine interest). No appreciation of Metallica...especially old stuff. Smothering. Not asking "what do you think?". Not taking care of their car. Blanket claims like "I never lie", "I would NEVER xyz".

Above list random order. All equally important...well, after the Appreciation of Metallica. Duh.

torn2bits posted 7/18/2013 19:34 PM

Someone like a recent guy, texting only; no phone calls. Another would be texting pictures of a check (yes, he did send one to me for something he sold) or many pictures of himself.

I definitely agree with Ama. My STBX is like this. My family was his life. Someone who is not giving right off the bat. I mean demonstrates concern for others.

Condo/home that is not clean. Sorry guys, but this is a major red flag. If you don't clean, get a cleaning person.

Touching other women while on the date with you (at a bar). Um, leaving you at the event without saying goodbye. Gosh, I have been with some pathetic dates.

Clear insecurity. Bragging about materialistic posessions.

By the way, I didn't know what LOL meant until this year!!!! My daughter hates my texts because they are all in complete sentences and spelled correctly.

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