I'm not talking cheating red flags....those are obvious as hell to me now and I err on the cautious side. And obviously, not someone who kills kittens or something...but what red flags show that someone isn't the right one for you? That you aren't compatible for the long run?
I'll start with alcohol as a red flag that is too much for me to accept now. XSO's drinking, which he tried to hide from me, lead to a lot of what I would consider him "disappearing". Essentially not hearing from him for blocks of time without knowing why. Such as getting a text from him at 5:00 pm and then not hearing from him until the next morning, like no big deal. And never phone calls. I might detect a slur.
Editing to add about the text part. I mean getting a question like, "how was your day", I answer and nothing. Or one of the final ones of him mentioning going to get ice cream at 8:30 pm, and me replying in the affirmative, and then nothing until the next day because "he fell asleep".
[This message edited by tabitha95 at 8:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
My kids are my barometer. Anyone whom I would feel even a smidgen uncomfortable introducing to my children is not someone for me.
Which means, she has to be kind, no chip on her shoulder, and no hard edge to her. Sarcasm makes me leery. I'm looking for wholesome, with an intact sense of wonder. Hard to find at the ripe age of 47.
If it weren't for my kids, I'd have probably shacked up with someone by now and be in a miserable relationship.
Oh, you didn't get that chief resident position because they gave it to a woman for affirmative action (even though she had better grades than you)?
Oh, you lost your last job because some woman wanted her friend to get the job and accused you of sexual harassment to get you out of the way (even though you were only "kidding")?
Oh, the reason you have never had a long term relationship despite being in your thirties is because your parents got a divorce when you were a kid (and you aren't introspective enough to learn and grow past that)?
Big stuff, small stuff, fucking take responsibility for what happens in your life.
[This message edited by tabitha95 at 9:16 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
Jazz Hands, Love Bombing, booze beyond a glass with dinner or a few quiet ones at a BBQ, ANY drug use, zero introspection, a love of cricket, a dependancy on external validation, really critical of self, a time-freak (control), hot temper, recklessness - even if it is 'only once a year'.
I also recently realised I am averse to guys who don't want pets - not because it doesn't suit their lifestyle but because they 'don't get the appeal'.
I've worked out that a dealbreaker doesn't have to be universal wrong for it to be a dealbreaker. Not right for me is reason enough.
If someone keeps stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.
At dinner and she seems more interested in the portfolio than what's on the menu.
No sense of humor or worse, no sense of humor but they think they are amazingly funny.
The first women who offers to pay for the $6 bridge toll (just offers mind you) after receiving a dinner and a night at the symphony, I will ask to marry me...well maybe not but I will like them a lot.
Perfume splashed on so that I taste it in my mouth while sitting 5 feet away from her.
And...get ready for it and hate...anyone who feels the need to put LOL all over an email so that I know that what ever they wrote was so hysterical that I should be laughing out loud which honestly I can't remember ever doing after a LOL.
Edited because I forgot a couple
[This message edited by asurvivor at 12:36 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]
A few specific red flags for me: short temper, trying too hard to create intimacy, controlling, financially messed up, neediness, ever hit a woman, drinking too much.
You know, I have been paying close attention to people's FB pages. Not only what they post...but how their "friends" respond to them or not. This one person that I was emailing with (via OLD) has like 700 friends. Which he should - he is in minstry so that is expected. However, he rarely gets responses. Too me, that means something.
[Not sure quite "what" it means....]
I think it is on the same level to my question of asking them who is their oldest (ie longest) friend and why. When they reply, "I really don't have friends"....then there is a yellow flag for me.
asking them who is their oldest (ie longest) friend and why. When they reply, "I really don't have friends"
This has never happened to me, but yes, I would definitely think that was a red flag!
I have had guys who have wanted me to create a life for them. My XH was this way, sort of. Except that I moved to be with him. But I've gone out with a few guys who were new to DC (freaking everyone is new to DC ) who wanted me to be their social coordinator, wanted to move into my amazing apartment, wanted to meet my friends (because they didn't have any yet), wanted me to take them to every single popular bar or restaurant in town, wanted to share my hobbies and join my activity groups... gees. Shall I just let you piggy back along on my life? Instead of you having your own?
LACK OF INDEPENDENCE is the red flag here, I guess.
Anyone that wants me to meet their kids on the second date is a red flag for me. Protect your children, and show that you're an excellent parent!
I also think that people need to have a life. I don't want to be the only thing that someone has going for them. I was to be a great part of their life - not their entire reason for being.
They have a criminal record
They are a deadbeat parent
You can give the benefit of the doubt on a lot of things, but to me there just aren’t enough good reasons for either of the above to even risk playing the odds.
Jazz hands and love bombing?
@InTheRabbitHole, Jazz hands is my own - its a spin on Love Bombing. Nature Girl described it best "Overwhelming the target until their defences crumble."
The guy who calls a million times, falls in love within a week. Is proposing within a few weeks. I've never thought it romantic. The sad clown asked me to marry him 6 weeks after we met whilst drunk as a skunk. My response was: "that is so inappropriate" and I was constantly putting the brakes on while he pushed and pushed. I won't fall for that again.
Above list random order. All equally important...well, after the Appreciation of Metallica. Duh.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
I definitely agree with Ama. My STBX is like this. My family was his life. Someone who is not giving right off the bat. I mean demonstrates concern for others.
Condo/home that is not clean. Sorry guys, but this is a major red flag. If you don't clean, get a cleaning person.
Touching other women while on the date with you (at a bar). Um, leaving you at the event without saying goodbye. Gosh, I have been with some pathetic dates.
Clear insecurity. Bragging about materialistic posessions.
By the way, I didn't know what LOL meant until this year!!!! My daughter hates my texts because they are all in complete sentences and spelled correctly.