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WS just tried to blame A on me

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tennispro posted 7/17/2013 21:29 PM

My WS is away on business, overseas where is OW lives. He says he hasn't seen her but they have spoken. I broke down and said how could he have treated me this way, he wouldn't have done this to his worst enemy, I have been nothing but loyal for 16 yrs, etc. Then he goes and says, " but you never wanted to have sex with me." I was shocked. First of all he's treated me like crap for ver a year so how is THAT a turn on? Secondly, I'm raising small kids and have passed out at 9pm up until this took over my every waking thought and has become my 24/7 nightmare. SO, since I was a little off in the sex department it's now my fault he cheated and treated me like crap in front of everyone we knew and in our own home? I feel even worse than I did before!!!

[This message edited by tennispro at 9:30 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

hardtimesinlife posted 7/17/2013 21:41 PM

That is crap. Don't you let him blame you. Don't take the blame, either.

Ther isn't one thing you could do to make an honest, upstanding man cheat. This is on him. He had the choice to come to you as an adult and deal with it if it was that big of a problem. He could have asked for marriage counseling. He could have asked for a divorce. He certainly didn't ask you if you minded him cheating, did he?

I get pissed when I hear that being used as an excuse. It causes insult to injury and makes R that much harder.

Hugs, tennispro.

thisisterrible posted 7/17/2013 21:47 PM

Honey, they always blame us for 'making' them have the affair.

One of the reasons I 'made' my STBXH have an affair because I bought diningroom furniture the year after we got married , which was TEN YEARS before he had the affair. I guess my super extravagant $2000 purchase which we bought TOGETHER bothered him that whole time (although he never once mentioned something so ridiculous) and the only possible thing he could do to let me know how unhappy he was with the table and chairs was to have sex with a fucking whore.

You can't expect an asshole who cheats on their spouse to take the blame for what they did - it's much easier just to blame it on the innocent party.

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 9:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

LA44 posted 7/17/2013 21:57 PM


No. He cannot blame you. Our sex life was dismal before/during the A took place for some of the same reasons you mention BUT...could that not have been spoken about? Could he not have said, "honey, we need to talk about something that is really important to me and is really upsetting me."

No. He did not. He chose step outside the marriage. You didn't even get a chance! You were deceived and he needs to OWN that and start behaving with REMORSE.

And he needs to have NC with the OW! This is a MUST. That needs to be #1 on the list of High Cost Behaviours (After the Affair by Janis A Spring) he needs to demonstrate. NO CONTACT. Period.

sad12008 posted 7/17/2013 21:57 PM


It has to be someone else's certainly can't be a WS's fault! Don't you buy it for a minute.

Have you seen this? I love the part about the dog poo....

Married means MARRIED you moron

It's getting to the point where I can't even read those stupid personal ads anymore, not even for fun.

They're loaded with married people, bitching about their spouses, and looking for something "better".

I've got a few things to tell you:

1. "She" is not the reason your marriage sucks. YOU are. If you spent half as much time paying attention to her as you do trolling CL for sluts, your marriage would be a whole hell of a lot better.

2. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it a thousand times. You're in a sexless marriage. First of all, that's probably a lie, because most cheaters are liars too. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, pal- if your wife isn't interested in sex, it's because you're not offering sex that's interesting. Married guys get awfully boring after a while. They do the same boring thing the same boring way every fucking time and they expect you to scream like a porn star. Seriously, you come home from work, totally ignore her while she chases the kids around for 4 hours, makes dinner, does the laundry, blah blah blah, and then you expect her to roll over with her legs open for another session of same-old same-old? When are you idiots going to learn that the best foreplay in the world for a woman is watching you take care of the kids, vacuum the floor, pick up the dog poo in the backyard. Or how about just listening when she talks? You know, it's not that fucking hard to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes and hear what she has to say. Think about it- way back when, when you were getting your brains fucked out on a regular basis- what were YOU doing differently than you're doing now? Planning dates, telling her she looked nice, acting like you're happy to be with her? A thousand dollars says if you do that stuff again you'll get the same result.

3. Your kids are NOT the reason you're staying married. If you were THAT miserable, you'd leave whether you had kids or not. If you're not getting a divorce it's because YOU DON'T WANT TO. For whatever reason. At least be honest and don't try to feed people that tired bullshit line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to what you think, it doesn't make you look like a poor suffering but honorable victim. You obviously don't care enough about your kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her, and you don't care about them enough to spend time with THEM instead of some cheap whore, so cut it out with that crap. There is absolutely nothing honorable about putting your dick ahead of your kids. If you really really cared about them, you would put ALL your time and effort and money into saving the one thing that means most to them in the whole world- your marriage and their family. Otherwise you're full of shit.

4. We all know how bored you are. Poor you, someone should really come along to entertain you. What are you, fucking 12 years old? If you're bored with your marriage, it's because YOU'RE BORING, and have you ever stopped to think that if you're bored, she probably is too. But instead of throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, she's at home cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer and washing kool-aid off the kitchen floor. Yeah, she's having a fucking riot washing your underwear and cleaning up cat puke. Marriage is hard work. Hell, life is hard work. Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for yourself. You have a brain, USE it. Put some thought into your marriage and some effort into your life and stop blaming her and being a baby because life isn't fun.

5. You're looking for someone "younger". Sure you are. Dickhead. You think you look the same as you did when you got married? I'd bet not. Even if you do, you haven't spent the last 10 years having babies (the ones YOU wanted) and sacrificing your body for them. The next time you have to have someone stitch your asshole together because your just pushed a watermelon out of your butt, then you can sqwauk. If you ever spend 9 months with your belly stretched to obscene proportions, and manage to look exactly the same as you used to 6 weeks later, then you can bitch about how she's not attractive anymore. Until then, shut the fuck up. You have no concept of what she has sacrificed to give you the children you claim to love. You really think she wants varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs? Get real. What she wants is a man who understands and values WHY she has varicose veins and stretch marks and saggy boobs. She wants a man who loves her because she was willing to make those sacrifices with her own body because she loves HIM. Instead, you criticize and go running off with the first perky 25 year old who gives you the time of day. Asshole.

6. And finally, if you're cheating on your wife, there's something wrong with YOU. If you're not happy with your marriage, exactly how do you think fucking some slut is going to fix that? Exactly how is that going to make anyone happy? Have you ever actually heard of adultery working out really well for everyone involved? Are you actually stupid enough to think that you're going to be the exception to that rule? If so, you are delusional and you need professional help. Affairs are disasters- not some of the time, not most of the time, ALL OF THE TIME. You guilt will drive you crazy. Someone WILL find out. You will NOT be able to keep up the lies and the deception. And it will all lead up to a disaster of epic proportions, which leads me to Lucky #7.

7. Here's what you can expect in the wake of your little fuck-fest:

Divorce- this is where you lose everything- your wife, your house, half your income and possessions, possibly your job if you're stupid enough to be fucking around with a co-worker, your kids- EVERYTHING. You will LOSE IT ALL.

Exposure- this is where everyone finds out what a scumbag you are. And they WILL find out. Your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your family, HER family, your neighbors, the parents of your kids' friends, everyone at your church. They WILL find out. Why? Because your now ex-wife will tell them. She will probably tell everyone she knows, and everyone you know, and she will feel good doing it. Consider yourself lucky if she doesn't rent a billboard. Otherwise, all bets are off. Be prepared.

Your Kids- this is where you totally lose the respect of your kids, and you deserve to lose it. They will realize in pretty short order that you didn't care enough about them to keep your fucking pants on. They will see their mother cry and they will hate you for it. They will end up shuttling back and forth between their home and your apartment, and they will hate you for it. Every time they have to tell someone that their parents are divorced, they will hate you for it. And God forbid you decide to "introduce" them to your shiny new soulmate/fuckbuddy, they will REALLY hate you for that. If your kids are really young, you have a little time before all this shit hits the fan, but be warned, it's coming. They will forever see you as the moron who broke up their family. They will know that you can't be trusted, that you are weak and immoral and selfish. And they'll figure it out all by themselves, even if you never talk to them about it. Because your kids are smarter than you are at this point.

So, go ahead and whine your pathetic bullshit about how you're a victim and your wife is a horrible shrew. Do your best to convince yourself that you didn't have any choice and your wife "drove you to it." Start with the rationalizations and justifications now, you're going to need a lot of them. Remember that the best defense is a good offense and start a mental list of all the ways your wife is deficient. Make sure to re-write the history of your marriage so that you can say that you were miserable from the first day. Be sure to tell your wife that you love her, you're just not "in love" with her anymore. Deal with your guilt by lashing out at everyone around you. Above all, take no responsibility for any problems YOU may have that caused you to be such a spineless bastard in the first place.

Congratulations, you've just joined the Adulterers Club. See you in hell.

Jospehine85 posted 7/17/2013 23:13 PM

" but you never wanted to have sex with me.

Ha! yep, that is what my WH said. Despite the fact that we had sex over 66% of the days he was home and not traveling for work. Yes, I was reduced to having to keep track of that. Also, we would have more sex in 3 weeks then he had total with OW.

Later my WH admitted that it was untrue and it was just him lashing out like a 2 year old.

Your WH is not the first to say this, nor will he be the last. It is simply the wayward attempt at blameshifting. He's protecting his own ego.

At some point, he has to start putting you before his ego tennispro.

getting by posted 7/17/2013 23:16 PM

From a person who first came here 4 yrs. ago and just came back because the Divorce happened.

It never leaves them unless they are totally remorseful.

It wasn't you, it was their weakness - no matter what they say.

I have always acknowledged I wasn't the dream husband, I wasn't abusive didn't cheat worked hard at my job, and I certainly didn't cause her to make that choice.

even though the humiliation is still there.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 7/18/2013 07:15 AM

my husband has said that too but its a lie..his idea of "no sex" is like not getting it every 12 hours. For the past 18 months he has gotten it plenty and that is when his emotional affair stepped up.

previously when we were first married I agree that maybe it was like 2x a week and he threw a fit about it then. the reason is I was exhausted with kids and no one was helping me. he came home from work and had his free time. If he had come home and helped me out around the house I wouldn't have passed out from exhaustion. I would have had energy to have sex.

So when he brought this up about how neglected he was I tried to appease him and make it happen more for him--yet he still went looking for love elsewhere.

that totally is an excuse. don't listen.

tushnurse posted 7/18/2013 08:46 AM


That is a whole lot of BS. Perhaps if he was kind to you, and helped you with the kids, the home, and chores you would have been a bit more interested.

Do not allow him to tell you that. Call BS when you see it. I would recommend a response if he ever says that again to be something like....
"Well Mr TP if you weren't such a demeaning self centered prick, and showed me even an inkling of respect, or love I would have been happy to have sex. The biggest turn on for me at this time would be a solid 8 hours of sleep, and YOU scrubbing the toilets."
I am angry for you.....That's the kind of shit my H did in his A.

doggiediva posted 7/18/2013 09:16 AM

Oh and please don't let a past history of WH coming to you to bitch and complain about the sex or life in your M count as being one of the times that he tried to let you know he had issues with/in M before having an A..There is a civilized and compassionate approach for letting somebody know what is on one's mind...

OOpsydoodles....., I have to go answer the phone it is ringing...I will be back soon..I have a lot to say on this topic...

Dawn58 posted 7/18/2013 09:29 AM

You are absolutely NOT to blame for the affair. Do not accept the blame for it!! It does not belong to you. This is him trying to save face, trying to shift the blame onto you, so he does not have to take responsibility!!! Do not let him do that.

I took on that blame and it has taken me 7 months to realize I had no part in it. It's him!! I was his third wife and he cheated twice on wife number two. I suspect he did the same thing to his first wife.

He completely deceived me, I had no idea the affair was going on, but, he has had practice.

I know now, that he is a narcissist. The more I read about that, the more I understood his actions and now I know it was just a matter of time. He is incapable of being faithful, he is incapable of truly loving another person. I was no longer useful to him, so he went out and found another victim.

I can now say, I am so grateful he is out of my life. I am free of him and his lies and betrayal.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 09:49 AM

LOVE LOVE LOVE sad12008's post. WOW

I wish we could make every spouse read and sign on their wedding day.

Tennispro - SO not your fault. When a person has an affair it is not about what they aren't getting it is about what they aren't giving.

He is blameshifting and trying to justify his horrible choice. Plain and simple. BS.

Don't allow him to make this about you. You have zero responsibility for the affair.
ZERO. Nothing ever justifies cheating. NOTHING

You have responsibilities in your marriage and there are things we all can do differently but again, they never justify why a person cheats.

Why does he think it is okay to speak with the OW? That is so disrespectful of you and your family.

Demand NC. Take back some of the power.

I am sorry you are here and going through all of this but you are stronger than this. You can make it and come out the other side.

Stay strong and know we are all rooting for you.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/18/2013 09:51 AM

Men see lack of sex as a betrayal. Women aren't holding up their bargain of the marital contract.

I think sex to men is like talk is to women. That not having sex is to the males the same way a wife would react if her husband never talked to her. Men, it seems, want sex when tired or stressed to relieve the stress and as their communication to feel close. Women don't see sex as communication. They see it as a physical act of giving, and when stressed or tired are turned off by sex - just like being turned off at the idea of going to the gym when exhausted

God made men and women to be incompatible, and for what reasons, I haven't a clue.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:29 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

doggiediva posted 7/18/2013 10:17 AM

I love what sad 2008 shared..

I found the married means married in a self help library on a forum and I loved it..Describes my WH to a T...

The dog poo sentence cracks me up :-)

I think that a marriage counselor who works with couples in the aftermath of infidelity could/should make up a take home packet full of info and include this "Married means married you Moron" article...This article says a lot of things that need to be said to the wayward spouse or SO that many counselors are afraid to say to clients during those first sessions..

All of you that posted, hit the nail squarely on the head about R and blame..

Blame will do nothing to help the injured person heal from the bad feelings and lack of trust following a betrayal...

In my case my WH has been pretty much a jerk our whole marriage..I got crumbs from him..I guess there were enough good times in the M that I decided to stay and raise my two kids..I was feeling pretty fed up on many issues in our M even before I became aware of any A or infidelity on the part of WH..

In the aftermath of my WH's A all of the blame that he dished out to me made me completely lose any remaining love or respect I had for him..

I am still living with WH in in house separation... I am taking as much time as I need to get my ducks in a row to protect myself financially..I am allowing a couple of scenarios play out in my life so that it will be much more difficult for my scumbag deadbeat bum of a WH to get half of my meager pension in divorce..

Blaming the A or betrayal on the injured party is a sure fire way of killing the relationship..

doggiediva posted 7/18/2013 10:43 AM

@ Heavy Sigh..

I agree that Sex is a love language for men...

IMHO there has to be a good balance of give vs take in the M or relationship..

Genuine efforts from each person to understand the other..

This would have made it less likely for me to feel used had I been treated this way :-)

confused615 posted 7/18/2013 10:50 AM

The WS almost always tries to blame the BS for their actions. Don't buy into that. If you really had that much control over his penis,Im guessing you wouldn't have allowed it to fuck

Every few months there is a thread started in General,asking what stupid excuses your WS used in an attempt to blameshift. Recently someone posted that their WH said he cheated on her because she bought corn on the cob. Seriously.

doggiediva posted 7/18/2013 10:56 AM

OMG confused! What a stupid excuse to cheat, lol...I wish that particular BW had control over her husband's wayward penis..She could have done paper mache to form his penis into a piece of art, a corn on the cob sculpture

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:58 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

tennispro posted 7/18/2013 11:06 AM

Thanks everyone. I think what's going on is that he's overseas and cheating with her (again) and trying to justify it to himeself.
I sent him an email this morning and said that I spent over a year being ignored by him and how is that a turn on for anyone.
I also said that cheating is no way to resolve issues in a marriage but that's the path he took. I said he turned his back on me AND the kids when he decided to cheat.
He's an asshole and I can't believe our poor children are suffering because of this...and this is only the beginning.
Thank you everyone again!

confused615 posted 7/18/2013 11:11 AM

^^ Oh yes. make no mistake about it...when a WS cheats they are betraying their spouse,of course,but they are also betraying their children. They are putting their children's security,happiness,and family last...behind their need to be a selfish asshole. This is why we say a parent engaged in an affair is a bad parent. A good parent puts their children's needs before their own.

sohowamI posted 7/18/2013 11:26 AM

Heavy Sigh: That is an excellent post. It encapsulates absolutely everything. Thank you.

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