Small Steps
Thank you all for the advice and comments. 1Faith, I won't post her response verbatim, but she expressed regret, shame, personal weakness, love of the life we had and appreciation for how I have taken care of our family, and desire to earn my trust back. Good first steps.
I flew in, at 9AM. She was stuck w/ a check engine light half way between the airport and home, about an hour either direction. After sorting that and getting to our home town, we went to the beach to talk while the MIL watched our daughter.
For all of my emotions, I was strangely numb and detached during most of it. Of course, new "facts" keep emerging, one at a time. She's read some of the FAQs, I can tell from the way the conversation goes. There is remorse, acknowledgment of selfishness, foolishness. She hasn't balked at NC, doing a timeline, STD testing, IC or MC. I have full access to her phone & computer, and she's blocked and/or unfriended the related people.
I know it is very early, but my gut says there is not yet a sense of complete repentance, or even an understanding of what that honestly entails. I am hoping IC & MC help in this area. Blakesteel, your words are well heeded. I find myself, having read more on here than she, expecting more than she (and probably I) am ready for. Other than our "to do list" (NC letter, STD testing, starting IC/MC, etc...) and establishing/maintaining the dealbreakers, I'm ready to back off on saying "what she needs to do" and let time & counseling start to work. I'm not volunteering remaining details that I'm aware of (or continue to discover); that is now her job.
Today she is supposed to put together the timeline. I know it will tear me to shreds again, and that it is just the beginning. Early in our marriage I struggled for many years that she had sexual relationships before "us", and once in between us when we had broken up for a year. Much the way "movies" are discussed here, I had the same mental images. I can honestly say that I (eventually) got past that and it was no longer a stumbling block for me. I don't know now if that experience will be to my benefit or detriment.
After the beach, we spent the rest of the day with our daughter and trying to reconnect our family. Bowling, and a movie together (BS, WS & daughter) on the couch, daughter went to bed. Once alone we watched a show, then talking some more before bed. I was torn on where to sleep, but ultimately decided to share our bed. No shenanigans, but an affirmation on both our parts to continue to do this together.
At the end of the day I did have more peace. Being able to face one another in person, both of us remembering and experiencing what "works" about us even in the midst of this. Those moments may be fleeting, but they help and I'm thankful for them. I was able to sleep about 3 hours in total last night, a welcome improvement.
Hunger is a strange comfort. The emotional knot and constant nausea has passed. However the slight pain of actual hunger and grumbling from my belly... has become something of a friend. Always there, somewhat distracting from the other pain, but manageable. I kinda feel like naming it "Wilson" from Cast Away. Maybe I'll paint a red hand print on my belly.
I do eat, generally a piece of fruit or two here and there. Never a whole meal though, and I've become very conscious about what I eat. If you read the email I sent WS, alcohol is right out. I am sober and much like NC with OM I am removing all attachments to it from my life. I can also recall every item I've eaten since D-Day. Some bananas, banana chips, peaches, a couple of pretzels, 1/2 plate spaghetti w/marinara (the almost fateful co-worker lunch that I had to abort), water/club-soda, tomato juice, some bulgar, iced tea, and 2 bites of vegan ice cream last night. Wilson and I. (can one have an EA with their own belly?)
I also never thought I'd be a Dead Head, but Touch of Gray came on the radio Wednesday and gave me a smile. I downloaded a greatest hits album and find it brings peace. I'd forgotten the affect music has on the soul.
WS and daughter should be waking up soon. Here's to tomorrows.