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Newest Member: wokewife (61144)

User Topic: healing without a marriage counselor
♂ 32590
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello SI,

I need advice on how to heal and reconcile without going to an MC. I know that some of you were able to do it. I would be very grateful for your insight. Thank you.

WH 63
BS 52
No Children

Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001

D-day#1 03/01/2011
D-day#2 7/8/2015
D-day#3 9/3/2015

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be interested in this too.

We tried three and none seemed to be a good fit. I still feel like we need one for some unresolved issues.

Bumping this in hopes of getting a response.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 960 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After D-day, my H said he would do whatever I asked, and specifically said he would go to MC if I wanted him to.

I called to make plans for that, but they did an "intake" and said they would call us back to make the appointment. Well, it took them about two months to get this going and by that time, my H and I were doing so well on our own I decided it would be a waste of time and money, so we never did MC. He didn't do IC either.

My H's extreme and obvious remorse is the main factor that allowed us to successfully R. For me, it was a matter of making a decison to stay with him, and to forgive him, based on that remorse (always with the option to change my mind if something new came out or there was evidence of continued lies and cheating).

For us, I think my H just had a huge wake up call. His remorse led him to make positive changes in himself, and how he related to me in our marriage. Changes that I never expected. For example, he used to give me the silent treatment any time we argued (before the A), sometimes days at a time. He would only speak after I apologized. Then sometimes he would apologize too, but I don't recall him apologizing first even once during the first ten years of our M.

Now he readily apologizes and has not given me the silent treatment in almost 7 years now even though we have obviously had disagreements in that time. I never expected these changes, but it happened and without him getting any counseling. You asked for advice, and I'm not sure I have any. It depends on the two people involved and how you choose to communicate, I guess. Perhaps others will recommend a book or something. My H is not a book reader, nor would I ever suggest he join a forum like this. He found his own way to show me he could be the husband I deserved, and for us it just worked.

Posts: 6792 | Registered: Apr 2006
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...but no stop sign so I thought I would post.

We have been in MC for 10 has helped. Your post talks about healing without a counselor. I use to think that was not possible.

Now, since the past month, I think this may be a good option for us.

You can view my post in General titled MC advice if you want more back story.

Books are helpful to could both read them, highlight items that resonate with you, then discuss them.

I think books like How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair and Not Just friends would be a good start to deal with the affair.

Other books like 5 Love Languages and Love Busters would help guide you through repairing pre-A marital issues.

This is the two pronged approach our MC has with the A, Deal with the underlying marital issues.

You could also go to one of the weekend retreats. We attended A Weekend To Remember and it was really good. Have heard great things about Retroville intensive weekends fact I understand that one is required in some states before a D is granted.

I don't have a direct answer to your questions...just some ideas.

Thank you for posting this as it is pertinent to where we are at as well. We may choose to go this without a C in the near future. I will follow this post closely.

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QS is very quiet and private. The thought of going to MC and pouring his soul out scared the bejesus out of him. He was already traumatized and the idea of MC completely froze him up. He said we'll try this on our own first.

I found SI. Guess you could say it was kind of our unofficial MC. We both read here daily. We ordered books which I read and shared with him. We learned how to communicate. There was some trial and error. But somehow, we've found our groove. Ironically enough, shortly after our Dday, our church had a series of relationship sermons. Blew us out of the water. Every service we went to was like public MC. Those helped out tremendously as well.

QS doesn't feel the need for MC. Trying it on our own worked well and he's pleased with the results. There's some issues on a personal level and I'm trying to work up the nerve for IC, but that's another story.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have R'd without MC. Between SI and my going to IC, we were successful. Every situation is different. That said, if you both want R, you BOTH have to work at it.

MH - 43
Nothing left to give....
"She is clothed with strenth & dignity and she laughs without fear of the future." #BlackLivesMatter

Posts: 7447 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our A's were over 30 years ago, before Dr. Glass, and SI, when the internet was just a gleam in the eye of a few nerds at DARPA.

I talked to a couple of ICs and MCs but couldn't find one that didn't have their head further up their dark place than my FWW that I gave up on them and we did R on our own.

We successfully rebuilt our M, and will celebrate our 40th anniversary soon. It wasn't easy, and left more roadkill than it would today. I personally paid a pretty heavy price from PTSD attacks that blindsided me recently, which is what I'm doing here.

I'm still waiting to meet an MC that is half as good as SI.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are lucky enough to have a great MC, but honestly, WH and I did most of the heavy lifting at home anyway.

In the first 6 months after DDay, we talked about this and things related to it every night he was home (about 12 a month)after the kids were in bed. Not so much "fun", tears from one or both of us almost every single time, but definitely "good". About a month ago, we started cutting back (not really on purpose, it just started happening) and now we are at once or twice a week. If you have trouble knowing what to bring up, go on SI and read some posts and discuss your feelings about it.

We both listen to Marriage Builders every day (you can do it online or we have apps for our phones.) We don't see eye to eye with them on infidelity, but it still gives us something to talk about. And they do have a lot of good marriage building ideas.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And be proactive about it.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took us 3 different counselors until we found the right one. She was life changing and we saw her for about 10 months.

We also attended a World Wide Marriage Encounter that helped immensely. It really taught us how to talk and dialogue.

I think you can do it alone but our MC really helped us get to the core in an objective manner.

Communication, honest, transparency are key.

Good luck.

" I am just really f'ing tired " ---ME

Posts: 3203 | Registered: Apr 2013
Darkness Falls
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in a very solid R having done only 3 or 4 sessions of MC two years post-divorce.

All of our individual healing was done while we were apart. The rest was done together after essentially being "kicked out" of MC after those few sessions because the counselor didn't feel we needed her (possible bad fit of a C/possible she just didn't want to deal with us without seeing huge glaring issues, but rather than find another we just dealt with stuff on our own).

We are 15+ months into happy R.

WS, 5-month EA/PA '09-'10

Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH

1 1/2-year-old daughter and another baby girl on the way

Posts: 4400 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interestingly enough, I think this all boils down to the one thing we all have worked on/need to be working on: Know thyself, and know thy significant other.

If MC doesn't work for either of you based on your personality type, then don't do it. Trying to force something that doesn't feel natural will result in as good an outcome as one might expect.

Heart and I started working solo, talking to each other and reading books together, as well as reading here on SI. Initially, that was what we needed, and it worked well as a foundation. Once I found a counselor for IC, Heart eventually wanted to test the waters, and we did, but only after I had built enough of a foundation with him first.

We don't all move at the same pace, nor should we all expect to be in the same place at the same time. Expectations of behavior, to one degree or another, is what brought us all here, and to apply the same faulty thinking to other areas of our lives would result in similar problems.

I think "Your Mileage May Vary" is incredibly apropos here.

Me: WS 34
Her: BS 37 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 7yo
M: 9 years
DDays: 2012/11/14-2013/02/05, 2013/03/09, 2016/02/19

Posts: 824 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We moved during our R and lost our MC. To work on some of the issues and keep the dialog going, we purchased a couples devotional book. This required exploring various different questions that helped us dig into the A as well as other issues. Periodically, we took some time off if needed, but it really helped us quite a bit.

As I said, it provided some guided questions and discussions. However, we both had to commit to talking and being open and honest.

Good luck.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to chuckle somewhat at the irony of my/our situation here. The insurance approved MC for us also happens to be #4 in my "name".

Glad I was able to help her get her degree!

If I didn't, I'd probably cry!

Strength to all

BH 53, WW 45
DS 25(Mine),SD 24,SS 23(Hers),DS 12 Ours, DGS 6, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 5493 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still waiting to meet an MC that is half as good as SI.

have to agree with this statement.

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 32590
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your insights. They are all helpful. Please send more. Be safe and be free.

WH 63
BS 52
No Children

Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001

D-day#1 03/01/2011
D-day#2 7/8/2015
D-day#3 9/3/2015

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did not do MC....instead we set up our weekly 'therapy session', usually at a restaurant.

We read all the books and in the beginning our sessions would be 30 - 40 minutes of me asking questions about the affair with H answering and then we'd stop at the agreed time and eat our dinner. Eventually the discussions turned to 'us' and the things we missed, expected and needed to stay married. Sometimes we wrote letters about topics that were too hard to handle face to face.

I went to IC but neither of us felt a need to find an MC though H said he would go if I felt it would help. We went to Retrouaville but didn't go until we were two years past Dday. We both felt we had already done most of the exercises so we didn't finish their program.

As someone said earlier, you really need to know yourselves and know what works best for you. MC, IC, group sessions, meeting just the two of you, with a pastor......there are so many need to find what works for you and your WS.

BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the road is lonely...the other teeming with life.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 16

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