SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

1969skidoo posted 7/18/2013 01:09 AM

My wife of 15 years told me two weeks ago that she had a one hour fling. It was four years ago, it involved going for coffee to an old friends place and one thing led to another and in an hour it was all over. To her it happened four years ago but to me it happened two weeks ago. We still love eachother but I feel the only way I can set things right is to have a fling of my own. I believe she is remorseful but I feel betrayed. Can two wrongs ever make a right?

h0peless posted 7/18/2013 01:14 AM

Sorry you're here. The answer to your question is no, two wrongs don't ever make a right. There is no quick fix for this problem, unfortunately. Fucking someone else to make you feel better is like pushing your Ferrari down a cliff to fix an oil leak. Not that your wife's affair is trivial like an oil leak, of course.

1969skidoo posted 7/18/2013 01:19 AM

she cant even explain why she did it..."it just happened" She wants forgiveness but how can i move on when even she cant explain it. I feel she shouldnt have told me or seen a therapist before telling me. She gets relief from guilt by telling me, I get the worst two weeks of my life. Thats fair.

ArableSands posted 7/18/2013 01:27 AM

skidoo I am so sorry you're here, but this place can be a powerful source of healing for betrayed spouses like you and I. DO NOT, and I can not emphasize this enough, DO NOT have a fling of your own to punish your wife. You will be angry for months, and a single fling to "balance" the hurt she thrust upon you will not assuage that rage.

What you need to do is take care of YOU, and maintain your integrity. Do a 180 on her (look it up in the healing library) and make it absolutely clear to her that if she wants to stay married to you, she will do what you ask for to make yourself feel safe, and that it's NOT NEGOTIABLE.

Stick around. We're here to help each other get through this horrific experience.

jjct posted 7/18/2013 09:53 AM

Is that why she told you now - to get "relief from guilt"?

A lot of us get "it just happened".

If she's truly remorseful, she will do what it takes to help you heal, including digging way deeper than than it appears she has so far.

A revenge affair will leave everyone miserable. Not good.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 10:09 AM

So sorry you have found yourself here. The club no one ever wanted to join.

It is a good and safe place where we all understand where you are coming from.

I am sorry to say there is absolutely nothing FAIR about infidelity. NOTHING.

Just because it happen 4 years ago does not make it any easier to understand, reconcile or get over.

Your DDay is the day you found out. Now you have to face the affair, face that it happened and start the process of healing.

It sucks. There is no other way to state it.

But I agree with the others, a revenge affair is not going to make you feel better. It will make you feel worse because you have stooped to her level. You have every right to feel betrayed because you were.

Hold on to your integrity and moral code. Don't loose sight of the person you are and wished that she would have been.

Curious to why she told you now after four years?

Go to the Healing Library in the upper right hand corner and read, read, read. Knowledge is power.

Good luck and stay strong.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:10 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Duffy1958 posted 7/18/2013 10:26 AM

Skidoo, adultery pisses you off. It hurts in a way nothing else really can. There are other losses & tragedy's even more tragic than adultery, I think of a kidnapped child etc. But this is a pain that touches who we are as married couples to the very core of why we are married couples. "Intimacy" Not just sex, intimacy, love making it links as a couple to our spouse-S/O.

It's not only that you found out 2 weeks ago. You have lived with this "cloud" of betrayal over your marriage for the last 4 years. She lived with the guilt for 4 years & it DID affect your marriage. It affected her as a person to commit such a betrayal & it set up the next 4 years of marriage with one spouse having a VERY powerful secret.

If this had been a situation where she screwed up, had a one hour "bang" and couldn't live with the guilt for a couple of weeks & broke down & told you, that's one
thing.

A secret involving the most intimate act of a marriage, kept for 4 years has a lot of repercussions Skidoo. I'm sorry this has happened & for the betrayal you are experiencing.

Don't let her down play a "one hour" f*ck. It's wrong. It's stupid. It's 4 years of lying by omission.

The revenge affair you think you are considering? It is a thought isn't it? Many,( I dare say us?) many of us think about a revenge f*ck. The thing is, when you engage in that behavior, there are consequences. Sometimes unseen consequences. Ones we wouldn't want to pay. So in the mean time we hurt. It is what it is.

She has much to do. I hope she is willing. Just remember you can't force her and above all, her choice had nothing to do with you. Nothing.

Stay in touch Skidoo.

1969skidoo posted 7/18/2013 21:21 PM

I really want to move on with this and start healing but a couple of things REALLY bother me and I dont know which direction to take with them. 1. She wont tell me who it was, says its irrelevent because I dont know them and is afraid I will do something stupid. 2. The last four years feel like a farce, everything great/meaningful that happened is tainted by THE LIE.

MystiKay posted 7/18/2013 23:20 PM

Go down to the I can Relate form and read the Madhatter section and the Betrayed men posts. I think you will find a lot of help there.

I am sorry you are here and hurting though. Take care of yourself.

Tren0R201 posted 7/19/2013 02:58 AM

You have to sit her down and she has to tell you everything, otherwise moving on is impossible if there are gaps in the information. Who it was is perhaps the most important bit of information but be warned, it will be the start of a very long road for both of you. It appears she wanted to relieve the guilt and move on quickly. Trickle truthing will only prolong and hinder R unless she's absolutely honest with you.

circlingthedrain posted 7/19/2013 05:44 AM

It is positive that she told you, but I can guarantee that you cannot heal from this unless she is willing to tell you everything - key word being willing. You may not want to know everything, but she MUST be willing to tell you everything that you ask. This is a sign of remorse and her being willing to do anything you need to heal. Right now she is still protecting her affair partner (AP) over your needs.

Please read Joseph's letter and consider sharing it with your wife. It resonated with my FWW and helped her see that she had to come completely clean. No more secrets between her and the OM.

here is a link http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Duffy1958 posted 7/22/2013 00:50 AM

Just checking in with you Skidoo. How is it going? Hope you are taking care of yourself!

1969skidoo posted 7/22/2013 02:14 AM

My wife and I are going to a marriage councellor. Last post for a while, wish us luck!