I really love my H. I really want this to work out but I don't see how it possibly can the way I am reacting.
I thought I was making progress but yesterday h gave me a written account of what had happened and it feels like dday again.
I can't stand the thought of him touching her. For 18 years it was only us. He did some bad facebook flirting once before but no other physical contact.
I wanted all the details of the affair as my imagination was running in overdrive. Now I wish I could unknow it - kind of, I think my imagination would have driven me crazy too. I have bipolar and I am just not strong enough to deal with this,
My problem is with my body. We had weeks of hb and the sex was great. we stopped for my period and now I struggle to even wash myself between my legs as I imagine him masturbating her. It's truly killing me. Even on the loo I can't look at myself or touch myself. I can't imagine ever willingly touching myself or being touched again. IF I could sew myself up I would.
She is 6 years my junior and hasn't had kids. I stupidly asked what she was like 'down there' and he told me from what he could tell, it was dark, that she was like a teen, all neat and tidy (he didn't want to sound odd but he said her bits were just too neat)great so he loves my battered mummy bp mess of a body - yeah right.
He is trying so hard but the rage I feel towards him is scaring me.How could he do this to me. I have been with him since I was 17 and have honestly never looked at another bloke since.
How could he do this to me and how the hell do I get over it so we can R????
I can't afford counselling and even for my bipolar I am waiting a year to see a psychologist. I only see my shrink every few months and the mental health care where I live is abysmal. I don't even have a cpn.
I am spending my days scared to shut my eyes cos the movies hit. Scared he will try and touch me cos I know I will flinch and hate every moment.
I feel like I am breaking here and I know you can't really help but I needed to tell someone.