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How to handle being apart on Antiversary

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Althea posted 7/18/2013 07:27 AM

As I've posted in the last few weeks, we are in the thick of A season right now. I am actually in another state with my kids this week and triggering a bit as I remember what he was doing this time last summer We talked last night and he is doing everything he can to be there for me, but there is only so much he can do over the phone.

Our actual antiversary falls on a weekend he agreed to help his sister move. We both agree he should do this. She is divorced and moving back in with his parents and could really use the help. In the past, he has been really absent in terms of healthy and helpful interactions with his family, so it is important for him to follow through with this. He is also bringing our young daughters with him so that I can get some much needed rest. However, what all of this means is that I will be alone on the anniversary of the weekend I discovered his affair and he will be back at his parents house with our kids which is exactly where we each were when he cheated on me. The parallels are just begging for a giant trigger fest, and I don't want that.

So I'm looking for some help. Are there things I can do? He can do? We can do? Anything to make the weekend less excruciating? The cell phone reception at his parents is awful so check-ins are possible and he will, but it isn't like I can just call anytime I need to and expect that he will pick up. His phone may or may not ring.

He has offered not to go, or for me to come; but I don't want either of those. I'm not all that comfortable at his parents to begin with and especially not while I am in an emotionally vulnerable state. His sister is a friend of our marriage and asks for nothing. I had to drag it out of her that she really needs this help. I want him to help her, and it will leave the move to her and their elderly parents if he bails.


PinkJeepLady posted 7/18/2013 16:38 PM

Well, my first thought is to make yourself a plan. If you are going to be alone then make a detailed plan of how you will spend your time. Write it out as detailed as you can. Plan what you will do, what you will eat, how will you pamper yourself, what chores you will do?
What have you been wanting to do and haven't had the time? One time I was alone for a week and I really wanted to learn how to make creme brulee, so I tried it a few times. What books, movies do you want to check out? FB stalk people from high school?!
Now, having said that, be flexible to do something spontaneous and memorable! Where can you go that you have never been before? What adventure can you have? Have you tried dining alone at a fancy restaurant? I have traveled alone and have found I enjoy being with myself sometimes!
Also, plan something significant to you that you will do to celebrate that YOU have survived this past year! That's a big accomplishment in itself, how will you reward yourself? Mani/Pedi's and a new lipstick really work for me.
Cook and eat only what YOU want. Surround yourself with things that YOU like and enjoy the peace and quiet. It sounds like it will be a short time. When the triggers come, deal with them then let them pass.
Be good to yourself, you deserve it!

jo2love posted 7/18/2013 22:24 PM


However, what all of this means is that I will be alone on the anniversary of the weekend

You won't be totally alone. Don't forget you have us to lean on. Can you make plans with friends? Stock up on all your fav foods? Sending you strength.

sisoon posted 7/19/2013 08:10 AM

My first reaction is, 'How sad! How neat!'

How sad - to be apart on a day when you need support and your H probably does to.

How neat - in a difficult sitch, you find the strength to get help to your friend-of-your-M SIL.

Your H will take breaks during the day. Can he take some privacy for some heart-to-heart phone calls?

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