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Newest Member: Zhendeda (61773)

User Topic: How do you get past it?
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night was our first night having sex after I found out about the affair. It was awkward to say the least. The whole time, I just wanted to break down crying. Every time he touched me, I just kept picturing them together. I couldn't block it out, no matter how hard I tried.

How long before it eventually stops consuming every thought while we are being intimate?

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after I found out, I went through an odd phase where I wanted to have sex all the time to somehow prove that I was better than her. After about a week of that, I completely shut down. I couldn't have sex without feeling nauseous. The images of him constantly went through my head, and I cried afterward. The experience was so horrible that I avoided sex for a couple weeks.

It's been about 4 months now, and sex is better. It's no where close to being how it was before the affair. I can have sex with him, but for whatever reason I cannot do oral sex with him.

I think it just gets better as you start to develop feelings for him again.

Posts: 1758 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. I am 7 months out...and while sex is better for me...there are still days i am overwhelmed with images and i break down.

For me, when i am having trouble during sex, i stop. My WH is very supportive and he holds me when i cry, we talk about exactly what is going on in my head and we work thru it together.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously during sex is to find out things they didnt do together. Doing things with my WH that i know he didnt do with her helps to keep the mind movies at bay and keep me focused on us rather than them.

Everyone has a different time frame as to when it gets better. I think a lot of it depends on your WS and how supportive, remorseful and committed they are to your healing. Dont push your feelings to WS about it and work thru it together.

hugs to you

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first, I couldn't even undress in front of him. When we finally had sex the first time, it was not good. It was barely adequate. But I sorta expected that. We both had a lot of emotion, hold-back, and I considered it a success that we actually managed to physically have sex. It took some time until we actually made love and it was good. Now, its great! Hang in there. The first few times you may have to just view it as sex and sort of get through it. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10160 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still struggle sometimes. However, I have found I struggle when we do it the "old" pre-A way. Most of the things I enjoyed, I hate now....I am sure he did them with her. I just cannot enjoy that any more. I trigger less during sex if it is spontaneous and not our "typical" know the "usual moves".

Time helps, but don't do something you hate either.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Topic Posts: 5

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