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In-Laws/New Baby- help?

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KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/18/2013 09:36 AM

As some of you know I struggle with my in-laws and their lack of boundaries and apparently my husband struggles with my parents and their seemingly rigid boundaries. Ok, fine.

However with baby coming we have VERY VERY different visions of what's going to transpire in the hospital and it's causing me some MAJOR anxiety. I would really like to text the Grandparents when we're ready for visitors, H would like them waiting in the waiting room. He wants to have that moment of coming out, telling everyone she's here, announcing weight, length, etc. I get it- he wants his moment, I respect that.

I know for a fact my parents will not wait in the waiting room and I also know while his will, I'm not sure they'll be so respectful if he comes out, announces and then tells them to go away for awhile. They are very needy. I know someone will make the comment "But we've been waiting so long, can't we just see her for a few minutes?" And he'll cave.

I know I need to relax a little, but this isn't about them! It's about H, baby and I. I'm just not sure what to do, or how to navigate this situation. PLUS his family (sister and mom) are supposed to be staying at our house taking care of our pets while we're in the hospital so how does that jive with waiting in the waiting room for GOD KNOWS how long!

tushnurse posted 7/18/2013 09:47 AM

Oh Sweetie.... This is an easy one...
When you get to the hospital tell your Nurse and the staff exactly who you want and don't want to be in your room before, during and after. Ask them to enforce it. They get to be the bad guy, and don't mind it, it's part of taking care of you.

If your H is going to break then the Nurse gets to say oh I'm sorry you can't see them right now. You will need to come back in an hour or whatever time frame you need. With my second kiddo I didn't want anyone in my room until I had a chance to get a shower, and cleaned up. Of course I got in trouble because I took myself to the shower, while still feeling the very minor effects of the epidural still....LOL. Nurses make the worst patients.

jo2love posted 7/18/2013 09:54 AM

Ditto what tushnurse said. 100%. Nurses are awesome.

JanaGreen posted 7/18/2013 09:55 AM

I made a rule of not wanting anyone in the room when I was in labor - and I got bored. Just FYI.

But I DEFINITELY wanted some time after she was born to connect with just the three of us, and that's what we did. I didn't think our families would respect that but they did. And it was great. Hopefully they'll surprise you. If not, hell yeah, the nurses (at least at my hospital) were happy to be the bad guys. They even had code. If you asked the nurse for a green popsicle, she'd kick everyone out of the room.

Undefinabl3 posted 7/18/2013 09:59 AM

BTDT...The nurses are on YOUR side, not hubs or family, YOURS. I would tell them that you are perfectly ok with them being in the waiting room, but that they are not to come back after the baby is born for X hours.

They will enforce this. DH's XW tried to come back with DH's son to visit the baby and she was on the No visitation list. Pissed her off to no end, but they wouldn't make an exeception at all.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/18/2013 10:59 AM

I just wish we could get on the same page. It feels like his family always comes first.

jrc1963 posted 7/18/2013 14:06 PM

You and baby are his "family" now...

He made that decision when he said "I Do" - apparently he didn't' get the memo tho -

I had the opposite problem, my parents wouldn't even come to the hospital until the day after the baby was born and I was bored stiff during labor... I mean beyond bored.

I agree with the others... tell the nurses who, what, when...

purplejacket4 posted 7/18/2013 14:41 PM

I have often played "the bad guy" in this situation. Have you doctor and nurse tell the family "no one but dad until she's in the post partum room."

sisoon posted 7/19/2013 09:23 AM

I don't know if this will help, but ...

I had a hard time standing up o my parents, even though they did things that my W really hated - lots of loud fights, for example. (Their fights weren't healthy. My W's fear of the fights wasn't healthy, either, but I hated them, too.)

I couldn't protect myself against my parents, but I sure could protect our son. We sat down with our parents and told them that if they wanted us to visit with child, they had to keep from fighting while we were there. After our talk, they very rarely fought within our hearing.

Now could be a good time to start building those boundaries. (Of course, it was easier for us, since we usually lived a plane ride away from our parents.)

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 7/19/2013 10:35 AM

When you get to the hospital tell your Nurse and the staff exactly who you want and don't want to be in your room before, during and after. Ask them to enforce it. They get to be the bad guy, and don't mind it, it's part of taking care of you.

THIS x100000000%^^^^

Nurses are to be an advocate and if your family is going to cause you stress, they'll have no problem asking them to not be present.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/19/2013 13:45 PM

Thanks y'all! I'll talk to the nurses when we get there and our MC gave me "permission to be the bitch" in this situation. Maybe soon H will get it....

StrongerOne posted 7/19/2013 23:02 PM

Your husband wanting to announce about the baby is kind of sweet -- I think you can compromise on that one piece. And then you do not have to have anyone else at all before, during, or after the birth. They can all go away after the announcement and visit you several days later. At home. Later.

Btw, unless you can be reasonably sure the families will be helpful to you when you are back home, I'd set up some expectations and boundaries about that right now. My folks and my MIL were incredibly helpful after my son was born. My FIL, on the other hand, was a big selfish self centered baby. What a PITA! Useful phrase: I'm sorry, I'm feeling awfully tired, I need to go have some quiet. Then leave, with baby if you want, or leaving baby with the grandparents.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 11:02 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

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