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He won't keep his hands to himself!!!!

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careerlady posted 7/18/2013 09:46 AM

Ok i want to share my dirty secret even though it's TMI and really embarrassing. We are in limbo. We are supposed to be trying to R but there's only been one counseling session and he hasn't gotten tested. He says he will buy keeps delaying because he says he is busy and it was just a ONS he used a condom for but still we are not supposed to be doing anything till at least then. Besides he's still angry and short tempered. We have family staying with us in part due to the drama in our lives right now (I have to be supervised with the baby because he was shaken by the nanny but the timeline rules WH but not me out) and so we are sleeping in the same bed.

Many times at night WH will suddenly cuddle me or grab me and grind against me and on some occasions has even "slipped it in" despite me telling him no! I don't want to scream and wake the baby and the family who don't know anything is wrong so he just persists and gets his way. It feels good most if the time probably because of HB but it's not appropriate for our situation, especially what if he has something! Although WH agrees not to touch me anymore when I pull him aside and discuss the issue he does it again in a few days once his sexual tension builds up. I have tried telling him to go to his girlfriend, calling him a rapist, etc and nothing gets him to leave me alone. I am trying to do the 180 because of the stuff he hasn't followed through on and I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I am not ready to play happy couple but not willing to call the police either? We deal with some messed up stuff on this board so I'm hoping someone will understand my position and be able to offer good advice.

Undefinabl3 posted 7/18/2013 09:54 AM

Yeah, so this:

on some occasions has even "slipped it in" despite me telling him no!

is rape. Just sayin.

And second, the only way this will stop is when you make it stop. Find another place to sleep, or leave altogether.

You will not get him to stop, because so far he's gotten away with everything he has done to you so far.

I strongly suggest that you leave, if not the house then at least bedroom.

JanaGreen posted 7/18/2013 10:04 AM

Many times at night WH will suddenly cuddle me or grab me and grind against me and on some occasions has even "slipped it in" despite me telling him no!

This is rape.

confused615 posted 7/18/2013 10:14 AM

You have told him no sex until he gets tested..yet he's doing it anyway..so he is exposing you to anything he may have picked up from the ONS. This is so disrespectful. You do realize he isn't going to get tested now..right? He is making excuses...next one will be "Well you let me have sex with you and you don't have anything."

Oh..and you telling him no..and him doing it anyway? That's rape.

GabyBaby posted 7/18/2013 10:14 AM

I agree with the two previous posters.
You ARE experiencing marital rape. Please dont let it continue. If you have to sleep on an air mattress, then do it. Do not let this a-hole continue to violate you. (You may even want to consider filing charges).

Also, please go get tested (again). He still hasnt gone to be tested and he's penetrating your body, which is continuing to put you at risk.

Is there any possibility of you letting a trusetd family member who's currently in your home know what's going on? I wouldn't want this pig in my bed at all.

ETA:
Confused and I posted at the same time, so I agree with the previous THREE posters.
Also, the next time your WH tries his "slip it in" move, grab his nasty balls hard and give a twist. Then simply say, "No means no, asshole".

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:16 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]

cantaccept posted 7/18/2013 10:21 AM

I don't believe that this is a permanent solution but I went through this during divorce while we had to live in same house.

Just to get through until you can find the best way for you to handle everything.

I slept in clothing that was protective, underwear, pj bottoms, wrapped myself in my own blanket. Sometimes tight denim shorts, harder to get off. This is such and awful and confusing place.

So sorry you are going through this

ButterflyGirl posted 7/18/2013 10:31 AM

I agree with the previous posters to try to figure out a way to get away from him.

Some TMI of my own, the same happened to me. During our 1 month false R, one night he was asking for sex, and I told him no since we didn't have condoms. Well I woke up that night to him having "slipped it in," and I had to physically push him off me.

This is a complete lack of respect or boundaries. This kind of treatment is completely unacceptable. I would take yourself out of limbo and squarely into S/D.

Hugs..

Reality posted 7/18/2013 13:08 PM

What everyone said, CL.

Please, please, please understand you telling him no and him still doing it is the very definition of rape.

He needs to sleep somewhere else. Preferably in a cell, since, you know, he's breaking the law.

careerlady posted 7/18/2013 13:21 PM

You ladies are right of course but I don't think he sees it as rape especially because I don't think it's worth waking the whole house screaming. I am sad but also relived to see this gas happened to others. I was sleeping with clothes on but will just sleep on the floor or whatever until this is resolved. I'm not ready to throw him in jail and with the CPS thing can't continue with divorce or kicking him out until at least August if that's what I decide to do

confused615 posted 7/18/2013 13:27 PM

It doesn't matter how HE sees it.

It's rape.

We know it...more importantly..YOU know it.

You are in a shitastic position right now,with the baby and all that entails.


How is your baby doing?

Threnody posted 7/18/2013 13:29 PM

Tell me again why he, as well as you, isn't being investigated about the baby?

Because frankly, spousal rape is a pretty big red flag about poor impulse control.

EvenKeel posted 7/18/2013 13:35 PM

Next time he tries to grab ahold of you, just jab him with a fork. If he screams, then it is on him for walking up the household.

hotcoffee posted 7/18/2013 13:40 PM

I hope you don't mind if a man chimes in on this. You told him no sex until you are tested. That is logical and reasonable and easily doable. But he just can't bother to get tested and then goes ahead and starts having sex with while you are unconscious. You tell him to stop. He stops for a few days and then does it again. He knows it's rape. And he's an asshole.

hardtimesinlife posted 7/18/2013 13:41 PM

I've had the same experience. Nobody in the house but I didn't really feel I could say anything since my body was in the bed with him. It is awful and confusing. Also I fear the fallout from a SA who doesn't get what he wants sexually. Don't know if that is what you are dealing with or not.

How is your son? Does he have any residual problems from the incident? I sure hope not.

I agree that wearing clothing to bed might help. Or sleeping on a rollaway maybe. I hope things look up soon. Hugs.

tushnurse posted 7/18/2013 13:47 PM

What Thren said. I think you need to take this shit up a notch. No is NO.
I think you got shafted with the whole thing that went down with the baby. I would certainly let the family that is helping you, know what's going on. If they don't believe you then go to the ED the next time, and ask for a rape kit to be done. Seriously.

Of course he doesn't see it as rape, just like having an ONS is wrong, and that he doesn't need to be tested. He is being allowed to get away with whatever he wants.

Are you really in Limbo, or are you just waiting for the air to clear over this whole CPS thing? I thought you were all set to file. I thought you were ready to move out. That's not limbo. I get being stuck, and not wanting to be away from your baby, but sister you DO NOT have to sleep in the same bed as him.
This is Rape, and it's abuse. I'm sure CPS would be really interested in it.

Threnody posted 7/18/2013 13:54 PM

I'd be bugging the hell out of that room and putting one of the hunting night-vision cameras in it. But that's me. When I get pissed, I get techno and beat someone over the head with evidence until they cry for mercy.

I don't even know what you tell you. I think he's got you so scared, and the CPS thing has you so scared, that you are afraid to stand up for your own rights. Perhaps a call to a domestic abuse hotline could help you.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 14:04 PM

Tell him if he touches you again you will wake the whole house and tell them what he has done.

This is not your secret to keep at all.

The fact that you are even considering R is a gift and he should be bending over backwards to do whatever you want. Especially respecting your wished on no sex.

Lay down the boundaries now.

1. Get tested for STD's by X date or find somewhere else to live.

2. Touch my physically again and I am going to wake the house and call the police. No means no.

3. Get into weekly IC and figure your shit out or get out.

This stops when you say it stops.

He sounds as if he is in denial on the magnitude of what he has done.

Good luck and channel your inner anger to fight for what you want and don't want.

jo2love posted 7/18/2013 14:05 PM

(((((careerlady)))))

This is rape. I'm so sorry you are going through this. He has no right to violate you. Please consider calling the police.

but will just sleep on the floor or whatever until this is resolved

When my xh started drug & raping me, I'd wait till DD was asleep then I'd sleep on her floor next to her bed. It was like I had an invisible force field around me. Sending you strength.

Spelljean posted 7/18/2013 14:13 PM

My first husband comitted marital rape on me repeatedly. At the time, I didn't know that's what it was. No means no.

After I left him, I saw a counselor and they said I was raped. I believed it.

Even over 22 years later,and with plenty of time to reflect calmly over that marraige, I still acknowledge it was rape.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/18/2013 14:37 PM

This may have happened to others here (including me), but that does NOT make it normal. I have also called CPS on my STBX for his sick "games" he plays with the children.

Try to ask yourself if your "WTF" meter is a little off. You should be hopping mad right now. Perhaps you have been groomed to accept this type of behavior/abuse as normal. Look at all the responses. Not one person has defended him so far, BECAUSE IT IS RAPE.

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