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Support during D

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whatdoto posted 7/18/2013 10:40 AM

After 16 years of M to STBXWH you'd think someone in his family would call and at least say "sorry". Nope, notta one. So being a DIL, SIL and Aunt doesn't matter. MIL and one newphew are the only ones talking to STXWH. WH is the youngest of 5 and we have nieces and nephews out the wazoo, but nope, notta. I realize alot of people don't know what to say, but no one? Meh

However, I did tell DS15's 3 best friends moms today. Guess what? I have tons of support from them and I am so happy! I knew I had some awesome friends.

I've been afraid to tell anyone. Most people found out through several local newspapers.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm hanging in and feeling much better about the support I have now. I don't have many friends, basically DS friends moms and 2 coworkers. They are awesome!

Pass posted 7/18/2013 11:17 AM

I found the same. My family and friends are really circling the wagons. The Princess' family wants nothing to do with me.

sparkysable posted 7/18/2013 11:56 AM

this was one of the things that really shook me to the core, that these people, who alleged to love me so much (hmmm, just like XWH) could turn against me as if I never existed, and pass the mashed potatoes to the OW at holiday dinner a few months later. It broke my heart, and is still one of the things I struggle with.

I try to rationalize that maybe it's to hard for them to face the fact that their family member is a POS, and it's easier to pretend I don't exist, than to face what XWH really is.

fallingquickly posted 7/18/2013 16:39 PM

Don't write them off until you talk to them. They may be waiting for you to contact them. They may actually be thinking they are giving you room and when you are ready you will contact them. My in-laws were afraid I would cut them out of my life. They asked me not to do that when I contacted them. They have been incredibly supportive. They consider me their daughter. They still love my WH and will be there for him in any way needed but they are also there for me. In addition, my WH severely minimized what was going on. I told them the brutal truth.

Basically, don't make assumptions. Find out. You could be missing out on some much needed support. Worst case, they don't want anything to do with you. You're no worse off for finding out.

whatdoto posted 7/19/2013 16:09 PM

I found my support yesterday. I have been very silent about WH's A. There are very few people that know.

I told DS's 3 best friends moms yesterday. I was in tears as their condolences and support flowed in. Wow! I now have 5 of the most awesome women backing me and DS15. My coworker that has been listening to me for the past 3 years and has seen so many tears and another very close friend in addition to the three moms.

I feel so much better, actually. WH's family can pound sand. They are all alike. Emotionally stunted.

BIL and his oldest shunned me today. Fine. That actually surprises me, because he's been on my side, though silently, since I discovered the A. We've always talked and hugged each other. Now, WH's family is MIA.

I can't fret, I have to move on. Oh, and DS, he is just the most awesome young man! He and I will rock on! I now have someone watching my back.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend!
WDT

thisisterrible posted 7/19/2013 22:20 PM

these people, who alleged to love me so much (hmmm, just like XWH) could turn against me as if I never existed, and pass the mashed potatoes to the OW at holiday dinner a few months later.

Yep.

I am still very bitter over the fact that STBXH's family just washed their hands of me after he left for the OW. It showed me that they 'loved' me simply because I was STBXH's wife; not because I was ME. I wish it still didn't hurt but it does; not because I miss his family (since I realize their a bunch of fucking assholes if this is how they treat people), but because it feels like I wasn't good enough for any of them to like me just for who I am, just like I wasn't good enough for STBXH to want to stay with me.

Coraline posted 7/20/2013 15:29 PM

Same sitch here. I was really upset about it at first. Now I just figure, "Screw 'em." If they're too stupid to figure out what the hell is really going on, I don't need them. I am forced to deal with too many idiots in life to purposely seek out interaction with more of them.

I mean, it is one thing for people to choose their own family member in a "normal" divorce. However, once cheating is involved and/or once abuse is involved, they're just plain awful human beings if they side with their family just because it's blood. So yeah, either idiots and too stupid to know what's going on, in which case, who cares about them? Or awful human beings, in which case, who cares about them?

Take2 posted 7/20/2013 16:23 PM

In my family I am still in touch with 3 X spouses of my siblings. A couple are central to holiday planning. It's a big family and they are still part of it!

I got one call from my SIL... who said she loved me and I would always be her sister and the whole thing just made her sick... but she "didn't want to be in the middle". If you take the time to pull apart that statement it means they are on one side.

She didn't contact me when BIL died, or when MIL died. I sent a card, and paintings for a memorial service and was never given the date or time. Never mind that this was Grandma - STBX wanted his gf there... and she said nothing. I could list all the support I gave her during her D... for starters she lived with us for 9 months... But when I look back - support always had only gone one way.

Live and learn, better to remove those people from your life anyway.

wonderpets posted 7/20/2013 21:57 PM

My former FIL is the best man when I get married again.

Rainbows posted 7/20/2013 23:24 PM

I found this is common with in-laws during D. I, too, was shocked that after 10 years not one person from his side had the humanity to reach out. I wasn't even looking for anything more than a "thinking about you."

My parents left one vm for STBX saying that they were sorry, knew he was hurting and hope he finds peace. It was very classy of them and didn't upset me.

I reached out to my MIL as our dday was unfolding and she never responded. I thought we were close enough because I had supported her through numerous nuclear melt downs he had towards her.

I'm glad you found a good support network. It makes a world of difference.

SBB posted 7/21/2013 08:40 AM

Families on all sides are casualties here too.

I understand how 'not' taking a side feels like they are taking a side but to me X is their family member, not me.

Not reaching out to me takes far less of a stand than cutting X out of their lives.

I might feel differently if they were a part of my life for longer than 10 years.

I don't begrudge the XILs - I would find it difficult to keep them in my life even if they did reach out. I appreciate that they have given me space here. I would not want them to be a part of my support network through this - for me that would feel very weird.

I do miss XSILs but it would be unhealthy for me to keep in touch beyond FB. Detaching means detaching from them too.

It sucks for them as well.

Not all XILs are toxic or enabling/supportive of X - some are just caught in a lose/lose situation.

I'm sorry you are feeling so let down but please don't try to see it as an act against you and for him. They are gagging on this shit sandwich too.

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