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Rattus2000 posted 7/18/2013 11:11 AM

Well the WW has been out of ETOH rehab and for 15 days and the change is truly remarkable. Kudos to her program which doesn't produce AA soldiers, but focuses on introspection and personal insight. Her remorse is over the top, but my pain has yet to ebb over the years of abuse from her alcoholic ways and her final 2 month fling with guess what, an unemployed alcoholic. Strange to ponder for a queen that loves her fancy house, shoes, jewelry and cars. Wine clearly became the most important thing in her life.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow for our three week vacation which will mark the first time my wife and kids have been all together since June 2. Her rehab and my work forced me to send the kids 2000 miles away on June 25 to be with grandparents.

She is over the top after R. Her cravings are not for ETOH but for a normal family and to be a good wife and mother. She knows she has a lot to lose, I guess.

I'm getting texts daily (she is with the kids now too) like:

"I love you and miss you & wish I could take the pain I have caused you away. i look at pic of our kids and us and wish I could step beack in time. i want to grow old with with you and care for our grand kids. Lets do it and re-build our beautiful life together."

"I will actively work at our recovery. i am still trying to figure out what to do when you are in a mood (trigger). I want to shower you with love at times to show you I am here for good, but I don't want to crowd your space."

"I am so sorry yesterday was difficult for you and hoping today will bring some joy to you. I love you beyond what you can understand atnthe moment. I see the pain I have caused you and will live with that realization forever. My hope is thru time, actions and counseling u will one day feel my love for you. i pray we can fully heal through forgiveness and have a beautiful marriage for the rest of our lives. i want you Rattus2000 to be mine and mine forever. i love you. I will not allow my past to effect my current or future life. i will seek additional counseling to address this specifically and love myself once again."

These are a sampling, but consistent with the daily textsI am getting from her.

Everything seems in place for a good start to an R, but I am still hurt and triggering like crazy, so like a stereo that expeirenced an electrical surge, I am in protect mode.

It should be good to go to favorite place in the world, my lake house and reunite with my family and let the chips fall where they do. My kids are reporting "Mom is absolutely a changed person, she is so nice and interacting with us" and I trust their innocent observations.

Thank you to all of you who have educated me and shared your hell to make mine less or more understandable. I have no internet or cell phone service at my house so I will be out of touch with SI for 1month.

Bless you all and cross your fingers, I can get some clarity one way or another during my time away with my family.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 12:29 PM

Dear Rattus

Good luck. We are rooting for you. Follow your instincts and take is slow. You can't fast track your healing.

Enjoy your house and the kids.

We will be here when you get back.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Crushed18 posted 7/18/2013 12:46 PM

Nearly 6 weeks out and I'm just getting up the courage to share this God-awful misery I feel. This pain is nearly debilitating! Trying to smile, but SO very broken inside!!! The love of my life has betrayed me to the point I don't know if I'll EVER trust again!! He confessed to several ONS, and a LTA with a a woman he met thru work. She lives on the east coast, so they couldn't get together as much as they wanted. But, talked/text daily...even on our family vacations and from our home. He says they only slept together 3 times. I made him call her and she confirmed what he told me. I feel so betrayed!

[This message edited by Crushed18 at 5:06 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 13:01 PM

This was also very helpful to me as I struggled so hard to "get over it" - I have found out the hard way you don't get over it you have to get through it. Good luck.

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....

undonelife posted 7/18/2013 13:02 PM

Rattus: Our MC told me to let him confort me when I was hurting, triggering, venting. Its hard, Im trying it cautiously. Maybe that will help you too? Best of fun times on your vacation.

Skan posted 7/18/2013 13:49 PM

I'll be praying for clarity and for what is best for you and your children. Be safe and be well while you're away.

Jospehine85 posted 7/18/2013 15:38 PM

Rattus,

Has your WW ever been able to go periods of time sober before?

Rattus2000 posted 7/18/2013 15:55 PM

1st time in rehab so unable to tell. I mean we used to be just event/weekend consumers, then at some point when my kids went to private school her drinking went crazy. Then after she had a neck injury requiring surgery with a complication it got even worse.

So far, she is exponentially ahead of where I expected her to be.

Her Dad and sister are former alcoholics who never went to treatment but have years of sobriety between them.

Cautious, but hopeful.

Jospehine85 posted 7/21/2013 10:04 AM

(((Rattus2000)))
I hope for your, your children and your WW's sake she is like her family and stay sober for years.

It is VERY, VERY difficult to live with an alcoholic or a recovering one. There will always be a slice of fear in the back of your mind.

Many alcoholics are actually just self medicating for an underlying mental or emotional problem. I hope your WW will remain in IC for treatment.

Please find yourself a support group for spouses of alcoholics.