SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Ic620 posted 7/18/2013 11:21 AM

Hi. I guess I will start with the beginning. I got pregnant about 6 mths after we got married. That's when it all began. My husband was completely turned off. He began an affair sometime during my pregnancy and I did not find out until our son was 6 mths old. We separated and began counseling after 5 mths I gave him another chance. Things were better for the next 2 years but I couldn't understand at the time why this man was never happy nor satisfied with life. We got pregnant a 2nd time 3 yrs later and moved to be closer to my family in TX from NY. Same thing again. After about 6mths I found out he was having an affair. THis time he began intensive counseling with a psychiatrist and counselor and also marriage counseling. THey diagnosed him with NPD which I never knew about and boy it fits him to the T. He is a very handsome vascular surgeon with a major wandering eye. He once again begged and promised it would never happen again. So the last year we had been going to MC and he had continued his own therapy quite intensily and was also put on 2 anti-depressants that he never took regularly. Just 3 weeks ago on my 40th birthday we were on a flight with our kids to mexico to celebrate. My son handed me his phone and all the texts were there. He had never broken off the affair and had spent the last year lying to everyone. I filed for the divorce 2 weeks ago immediately after the worst vacation of my life. HIs therapist called me in Mexico to say to run don't walk to the divorce lawyer. She said how delusional he is and that he will never change. I am totally devastated. I was such a fool thinking he was trying to better himself all this time. I just can't wrap my head around it. WHy continue lying and hurt me and the kids? I am struggling holding it together daily, but I know I have done the right thing by filing for divorce. Thanks for reading.

Whatdoido333 posted 7/18/2013 11:33 AM

Don't have much advice other than you have been heard and NPDs are so difficult to deal with. I am so surprised his counselor called you and told you that. Take care of yourself and kids....

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 12:10 PM

Dear IC620

I am so sorry that you are here. The club none of us ever wanted to join.

I am sorry that your husband is a selfish jerk who loves himself more than you and your family.

I was such a fool thinking he was trying to better himself

Don't be so hard on yourself. You were hopeful and you tried the best for your family.

Please stay strong and know that you are better than being treated like an option.

Hugs to you and your kids.

Ic620 posted 7/18/2013 13:22 PM

Therapist said NPD's hardly if ever get better and since he can't even stop divorce is the best.

Threnody posted 7/18/2013 13:27 PM

Visit the I Can Relate forum, and read the thread on NPDs.

I'm sorry its come to this, but your therapist is absolutely correct. You need all the legal protection you can get. NPDs seldom go away quietly. Visit with some lawyers and find out which of them has good experience working with divorces involving personality-disordered people. Having that diagnosis is crucial for what you're about to face with parenting plans, etc. Also check out the Divorce/Separation forum. Many people there are currently dealing with disordered exes and will be a great support to you.

Your IC, as well, needs to have a good grasp of NPD in order to help YOU with codependency and probable PTSD.

You're one of the first times in all my years on SI that I burst out saying, "Oh, shit" when I read the first post. I'm so sorry.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 13:29 PM

I commend his therapist for being open and honest with you. Kudos to him/her.

How is your husband responding to the divorce?

Does he get that he is a selfish pig? At all remorseful or smug and entitled?

You will be better knowing that you are living a life of honesty and truth.

You will be okay.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:29 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Ic620 posted 7/18/2013 14:23 PM

My soon to be ex has not said anything about the divorce. We only communicate regarding the children and currently he is playing the role of disney dad. I can't remember the last time he spent so much time with the boys. I want to vomit. He was always "working late." Now they are his world. He is so screwed up! He doesn't not think he is selfish and still questions his diagnoses as do all NPD's. I am still in IC but hard to afford regularly. I have read lots and lots of books. Thank God my counselor's specialty is personality disorders. My attorney is also quite aware of how they work. Thank you guys.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 14:26 PM

He is a very handsome vascular surgeon

Make him pay for your IC. He's the cause of it.

Sorry for your hurt. We are all here for you.

womaninflux posted 7/18/2013 20:07 PM

So sorry to hear your woes.

On the bright side at least you are 40 getting a divorce vs 50! And you are near family so you are in a supportive environment ! Many divorced women I talked with said their only regret was not getting a D sooner.

I'm really sad for you that you feel like you wasted time thinking he was honestly trying. I have same fear with my SAWH who is a major liar.

kansas1968 posted 7/18/2013 20:40 PM

So sorry you find yourself here, but it is a great place for you to talk to people who are going through the same thing. There are two forums you might check out on this site. The divorce/separation and the "new beginnings."

I will never understand why these cheaters keep lying and lying to their spouses instead of just getting a divorce. It really is so very cruel. You keep hoping they will change and think they have and then the boom drops again and again. It is mental torture and such a selfish thing for them to do.

Hugs to you and your kids. You will make it through this and you will get loads of love and support here. K