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WS wants kids to meet OW - can I stop that?

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puzzlepieces posted 7/18/2013 12:24 PM

My WH and I are separated and divorcing. He's still with OW (or one of them :-) and they both are co-dependent, jealous, drink heavily together etc. They're talking about moving in together too. The OW is very jealous of me as well as the time he spends with his children. She does not have their best interests at heart. I have two very young, sensitive children who have already been through a lot. I am incredibly upset at the idea of my children being anywhere near this woman. I'm terrified, really.

Has anyone had any luck in making a case to prevent your children from being with the OW/OM? Or any suggestions for how I could convince my WS this isn't in the children's best interests? (I'm in a no-fault divorce state.)

I've thankfully gotten to a place where I don't want to be with my WH and never will. So in this way, I don't care who he's with or how destructive the relationship is. However, I worry about my children - I want them to have a healthy father and hopefully a loving step-mother someday. I really want him to end this R and move on to his next victim who at least may not hate me and my children.

What can I do?!

lostmommy posted 7/18/2013 13:08 PM

For a while, before we had an agreement in place, I was taking J to see XH for a few hours a couple of nights a week and one day on the weekend. It was like a supervised visitation and she wasn't allowed to be there. J had already met OW but I wanted to prohibit contact for a while. Now I don't have a choice as they're married, but even when she was living in his apartment before they left the state, I did a supervised visitation with him. That was up until we had a formal agreement drawn up.

There's really no way to permanently prevent their interaction unless you can prove that she has threatened your children in some way. Morality clauses in divorces are great on paper but nearly impossible to enforce.

I'm sorry you're going through this. (((hugs))

[This message edited by lostmommy at 1:08 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Eranda posted 7/18/2013 18:52 PM

Unfortunately, there's not going to be much you can do about it- unless she is an active alcoholic or drug user, has a dangerous and unmedicated mental illness, has a documented history of abuse, or is otherwise a danger to your kids. Your opinion that meeting her wouldn't be good for them doesn't count.

He has a right to have his kids around anyone he chooses, as long as they're not a danger to the kids. This is something you're going to have to accept and find a way to deal with. You are no longer in control of what happens with or to your kids while they are with dad.

Morality clauses are pretty much useless, if you can even get one- which is unlikely.

If your WH decides it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Your best bet is to figure out how to deal with it, and how to help your kids through it.

Sorry :(

hangingontohope7 posted 7/18/2013 19:48 PM

I'm worried that it won't be too long until my WH wants to introduce my sons to OW. My lawyer said we can petition the court to keep her away but I don't know if it will work or not. OW doesn't have custody of her own daughter so that may work in my favor. But, I know if they stay together eventually its going to happen. And I think that hurts more than him being with her. They are my innocent little boys. They don't deserve to be around that kind of crap.


Fooled Me Twice posted 7/18/2013 20:17 PM

During my pendent lite hearing my attorney brought up the fact that my ex had my dd around her. It went horribly for HIM.

Judge ruled in my favor. No bf/gf while we were still technically married. After that though all bets are off. The judge said so much himself - and looked at me with eyes - sorry - I know your ex is a douche.

[This message edited by Fooled Me Twice at 8:20 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Griefstricken25 posted 7/18/2013 20:33 PM

Some jurisdictions allow you to put a clause in that the kids don't meet partners until a certain amount of time has passed. Many do not have any such thing. And even if you did, there's not much you can do to enforce it.

WXH intro'd our kids (then 6 and 2) to OW within weeks of leaving us and immediately moving in with her. It was 100% against my wishes and he knew it. He had a court counsellor advise him not to, as it wouldn't be good for the children, but he just did what he wanted, as always.

I'll hope and pray for the best for you and your kids.

Later posted 7/19/2013 00:04 AM

How horrible. The other day my WW requested that if we D that I not have any woman I date later around for a while.

I agreed -- I don't want them to have to deal with that for the foreseeable future.

Anyway, you are not divorced yet -- I think a court would be sympathetic as it is not in the best interest of the kids.

A common provision in divorce agreements is that neither party will have overnight guests while the kids are in the house. It seems like the rationale behind such a provision would allow for greater restrictions prior to the D.

puzzlepieces posted 7/19/2013 11:52 AM

Thanks all. I'm freaking out about it. She apparently drinks herself into a stupor on a regular basis, but I don't have "proof." I'm going to talk to my lawyer on Monday to see what I can do... but my WS is a trained liar and he will do whatever he wants.

puzzlepieces posted 8/6/2013 17:07 PM

Ok, sorry to bother the group with this same topic. And clearly I'm obsessing... I HATE that I have to constantly interact with a liar!

I have specifically asked my WH not to introduce the OW to the kids during D and he has promised he will not. I know, however, that he has a plan to have them meet her and a few other of his friends on Saturday. (He does not know I know this. I know this bc he left his email open on my computer briefly. I don't want him to know I had access to his email as it contains some other things that may be useful in the D proceedings.)

Not sure what to do! He's lying (of course) to my face. Do I try to get someone to catch him in the act? Or just let this go and move on. I don't think it will ultimately affect the kids this one time, but more likely this is the intro and after this he'll start having her see them more. Also, I think he gets sort of a rush when he gets away with a lie and the whole thing just makes me ill.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/6/2013 17:47 PM

Do you have any way of proving that she drinks/smokes/is mentally unstable? If so, you can try to use that as a way to block the kids from seeing OW. Ask your attorney if you can petition.

Other than that, there isn't really anything you can do, unfortunately.

Mandilwen posted 8/6/2013 18:06 PM

I know how tough this is, but the best thing to do is just move on. My main concern would be the drinking. Is your stbxh pretty responsible while with the kids? They are so young and the drinking would have me paranoid! My situation was reversed, where my ex is/was the drunk, but wifetress was responsible enough. I always wondered about my little one cause he couldn't talk and OC was just a few months younger. But my older one was always there and he liked her (yuck!) I guess it could have been worse, though.

My ex is also one who thinks his secrets are a way of getting over on me. It's funny how he lost that "power" when I stopped giving a damn. Helps with healing too!

Nature_Girl posted 8/6/2013 18:32 PM

One way this could be damaging to your kids is that your WS might tell them to keep the meeting a secret from you. This could be the first in a long line of "Don't tell Mom!" situations. I speak from sad, sad experience on this one. When the children are coerced into keeping secrets, it really damages them.

Ashland13 posted 8/9/2013 17:02 PM

Yes, this is what I hear happens too and something DD and I have to face at some point-if it's not been done secretly already. I know that DD's met relatives of Floozy but I don't know about meeting the actual person.

Nearly Exh threatens that he will only hold off for a period of time and this makes me want to throw up in his shoes. It sounds very bullying and arrogant when he says it.

I have panic attacks about it actually, and several friends in the same BS boat said they did, too.

The only way I've ever heard of not having it happen is like the other posts say, if some danger to the child can be proved. Yet, I know of cases where it is very clear children should not be with an Ex and OW but are "allowed". It's sad and yes, the post about the secrets and our kids is spot on and also a worry here.

What's hard too is that Nearly exh has a large family, who protect their own, especially when one gets in trouble, so there could already be stuff happening and I won't know. And, they will treat DD as one of their own if it came down to it.

I'm sorry for your difficulties, PuzzlePieces.

I also feel this way about some relatives and DD, who knew about the a and let it go on, I think, what kind of influence is that on this little girl?

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