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Why can't I do the 180?!?!

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Lucylu19 posted 7/18/2013 12:42 PM

Hi all.. Here's my story in brief.. My partner of 10 years was peace keeping overseas for 6 months.. During this time he distanced himself from me and his kids, 2 DD's aged 5 and just gone 2. And also I was pregnant with his son. It turns out he was having an affair with a girls from a foreign army who knew nothing about his family. I found out 2 days after he returned and when I was 8 months pregnant.
He said he never loved me and loves her.. Even though she lives in a different country he thinks they can have a life together although he doesn't admit this bit this is what he is saying to her.. I have access to
His emails!
He is still in contact with her and flew to her country to explain why he lied to her and he is more concerned about hurting her than me an his kids.
She also gave him chylamidia and he could have damaged our newborn baby. But still he remains in the fog.
Anyway it's been 8 weeks since DD and he is still in the fog.. He is attending a counsellor coz his was is all over the place but the reality o what he has done has not really hit him and he is not remorseful in the slightest.
He is a compulsive liar and is adamant they are not in contact but his emails tell a different story. She is now planning on coming over here for a holiday now that her overseas trip ended this week.
Anyway.. I have been trying to do the 180 for quiet some time now but am finding it so hard with a newborn and 2 kids.. Does anyone have any advice on how to do the 180 with a newborn! I'm so emotional, tired and stressed that I crack every week! My son is now 4 weeks old.. Does it get any easier. It's so tough being a single parent to 3 kids.
I need to do it for myself and my kids as I need to be stronger.. Any advice welcome.

Skan posted 7/18/2013 13:44 PM

Lucylu19, first off, welcome. I'm so sorry that you had the need to find this site, but I'm glad that you did, so we can offer you support.

The 180 is intended for your benefit, to make it able for you to detatch a bit, so you can work on what your needs are. It doesn't mean that you do everything in the house. It means that you mentally detatch from your WP and take the time to work on you.

So, you need to stop being a single mom to those children. They are HIS children too and he needs to step up to the plate to help take care of them. Note I did not say help you take care of them or assist you in taking care of them. I said HE needs to take care of them. This is where he learns what it looks like, to be a single dad with visitation.

Your talk is of finances and children only. This falls under the guidelines. Draw up a child care schedule. You get them x-amount of days from this time to that time. He gets them x-amount of days from this time to that time. If you're living together, you leave when he has the children. You are NOT there to help him he is in charge because thats what a single dad does when its the days when he has custody of the children. You dont' cook for him, clean for him, shop for him, nada because, well, single men have to do that for themselves. Some allowances may be needed for the newborn especially if he is breast feeding, but no allowances need be made for the older children.

You are no longer his soft place to fall. Use one of those days off to go see a solicitor and find out what your legal rights are because you very well may need to file for child support and some sort of maintenance. Knowledge is power go get some.

And keep coming back often for support. (((hugs)))

Ashland13 posted 7/18/2013 19:32 PM

HI LucyLu,

I'm sorry for your hard times.

I have asked the same questions as you because even though I am in misery from the hurt and rejection, still feel withdrawal symptoms with no contact when I am stronger.

I don't really have any advice but to say that you're not alone with those feelings.

STBXH here thinks he is in love with OW too and has only known her a short time, but is backwards calling it "a long time" and our 20 years basically means nothing to him.

Again, I'm sorry for your hurt...and I get it.

newnormal posted 7/19/2013 21:01 PM

Skan has some great advice! I tried that with my X when the kids were little, and he refused. So his track record during the D process of no interaction with the kids made it easy for the judge to decide placement. Either way, the 180 works

Lucylu19 posted 7/20/2013 08:29 AM

Thanks for all the comments and advice.. I have started it again yesterday and am doing well... I changed my status on Facebook to let the world know I'm single coz I'm sick of hiding behind his lies. Childish I know but it made me feel liberated. Even though everyone doesn't know the reason.. The fact he has left me with 3 kids one of which is 4 weeks old.. Doesn't make him look very good!
It was my birthday yesterday so I thought new year, new start. I can now face people and not lie to them about him!
He also sent me flowers , presents and chocolates from the kids and I didn't even acknowledge him about them just thanked the kids. I only spoke to him about kids and did not text only replied when he wrote which was only once!
I'm going to seek some legal advice next week and get payments legal coz although I never think he's stop paying for the kids. I also never though he'd run off with another woman and leave me as the kids so just shows you you can't tell what he will do.
I'm breast feeding the baby so it is tough with access to him.. But we'll have to come to some arrangement.
I can feel this time I'm strong enough to do it.. I think that I will succeed. I've a different attitude this time and my head is in a better place.
And when the fog finally lifts... He will look at me and know what he has lost and know he has lost it forever! X

Pippy posted 7/20/2013 12:10 PM

Just wanted to send you a hug becuase you must be absolutely exhausted. Is your baby sleeping through the night yet? I can't imagine going through this with little sleep and 3 children to care for.

You really need a break. Are you able to pump ? You could leave some bottles with him and make him babysit while you get some time to yourself. You don't need to tell him where you are going etc. as long as he can reach you in an emergency. Evwn going to your Mom's for a much needed nap will help you think more clearly. Hugs.

Lucylu19 posted 7/25/2013 08:03 AM

Thanks pippy.. I've been surviving on about 4 hours sleep since I found out 9 weeks ago. I don't know how I'm doing it but my body must be used to it.
I've been doing the 180 a week tomorrow and think im about to crack. I'm taking the kids away for a few days next week and it would be the perfect opportunity for her to come over to visit him and it is driving me crazy. He found out I had access to his mails as changed his password.. So I can see anything anymore. I'm so angry at the thought of him taking time off work to spend with her when he should be spending time with his kids especially after being away from them for 6 months and not fully here since he came back.. He head is somewhere else! And he has only spent in total about a week with his 5 week old son since he has born.
I feel like letting him know that his priorities are all f'cked up but I know it will get me no where! I'm just so frustrated. He says he is not breaking up with me coz of her but that's exactly what he's doing. And there was 6 months of a absence so he has long forgotten anything nice or good about us!
I feel like I was doing so good and not thinking about him and today and yesterday I feel like I'm going backwards...😔

[This message edited by Lucylu19 at 8:04 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Dallas2 posted 7/25/2013 08:26 AM

Lucylu19- I am sorry you are here. This is someplace none of us ever wanted to be but it is the best to be once you know you are a BS or BP.

The 180 is hard to doand someone once told me to pick and do the things you can do and then add more as you get stronger.

I can imagine wanting to see the emails but it may actually be better for you not to as each message will just hurt more and you have your hands pretty full.

Two young kids and a new baby. You are amazing and more strong than you realize.

ILY7079 posted 7/25/2013 11:52 AM

What is the "180?" From what it sounds, I should do that with my WH. I helped raise his 3 children from first relationship because the mother is inept in every sense of the word. Calls herself a mother & wants to claim them as her children only in Graduations, celebrations, but when they needed help with homework or were sick or anything else that comes with parenting, I was there. I raised them as my own & have given them the same love & affection & opportunities I have given my 2 daughters that I have w/ my WH. The Coward runs off & cheats w/ OW & forgets who's really been there for him. How does the 180 work?

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