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The knives are back in my chest

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forgivingnow posted 7/18/2013 14:26 PM

I usually come here looking for the positive or to help but today I need support.
I found out Friday my H made a phone call 2 weeks ago to a prostitute here in our town about rates, etc. for a "massage". He did not make an appt or go but he called. I am beyond devastated.

He says he has not cheated since dday in march of 2011 & I believe him. His actions until this phone call have shown me a new man. In asking more ?'s Friday & reasking some today my reality of when he was cheating is worse than what he had confessed to & worse than my imagination. I feel so sick.

Our relationship has been wonderful, physically, emotionally, sexually. I am just at a loss. I have knives in my chest again.

He has become the husband of my dreams but a husband who truly loves me doesn't do that.
We are resetting boundaries, transparency & will be going to a new counselor.
Thank you for listening. There are so many good & wonderful things he has done & become. I'm not giving up. I love him more than words can say but this just hurts SO bad.

wanttogoforward posted 7/18/2013 14:55 PM


He has crossed the boundaries again... just because he didn't follow through is irrelevant to me.. the intent was there... his actions with that do not meet his words...
I will never understand how they can continue to do things to destroy a marriage when we give so many chances.. honesty and respect and faithfulness is really not too much to ask.

PinkJeepLady posted 7/18/2013 15:03 PM

So sorry!
I agree that the intent was there. It wasn't a "mistake" but a deliberate choice in which he knows what the consequences are.
Just a thought, is there something going on that he is trying to escape from? Is that what is really happening? Is he self sabotaging himself? Of course that would be something your counselor could help you with. I am learning that sex addicts (or most people with most addictions) can't manage their emotions and then use the addiction as an escape to get a release from the reality.
Please know in no way would anything excuse or minimize what he did, I was just thinking out loud. Plus, I wanted to send you a big (((forgivingnow)))
Hang in there!

forgivingnow posted 7/18/2013 15:09 PM

I know the intent was there and I know he crossed boundaries, again. We are starting over...I don't know if he is trying to escape anything. Im praying we get the help we need in therapy. Im strong enough to know I don't deserve this. It's just heartbreaking, I truly love this man.

sri624 posted 7/18/2013 15:29 PM

i am so sorry that this has happend....i understand the set back.

your last post was correct, you do deserve better than this.

maybe the question should be about you...and what you want for your self....for your future? you cant control what he is going to do...all the talking, mc, and transparency in the world wont make him be faithful. he has got to want it, more than anything. and he has proven to you after all the pain, that the cheating intent is still here...and very calculated.
maybe even consider doing some investigative work to find out what really has been going on in the r....usually there is more...waywards lie..especially when caught as we all know.

i ask myself this question all the time...."how many chances does a person get to hurt me so deeply?"

hugs to you.....and i am sorry this has happend.

i know it hurts.....

PinkJeepLady posted 7/18/2013 15:41 PM

Prayers going out to you both! I too hope you (and all of us!) get the help you need right now.
Maybe it's a good idea to take the approach of "starting over". It sounds like you are not throwing in the towel yet. You have to keep doing what your heart tells you to do. At least you will know you gave it your best try.
I believe that there is always hope, even when things seem bleak. I agree that it's especially heartbreaking to see a man who has done good and wonderful things make horrible choices. I am hoping that he accepts and appreciates your strong love for him! He is a lucky man!
Stay strong!

Skan posted 7/18/2013 15:49 PM

(((hugs))) I totally get it. My FWH blindsided me with a huge lie that he had kept from me for a year. Just as, I put it, I thought I could see the promised land. And it put me back to day 1. Your pain is legatimate and totally understandable.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 16:31 PM

WHY? Did he say WHY he did this?

(((gently)) How do you know he didn't go?

Don't give up but be aware and protect yourself.

I am sorry you are hurting. Good luck and I hope MC works.

Runninggirl posted 7/18/2013 16:52 PM

I will read your profile, but wanted to ask first.

Is the fact he did not actually see the prostitute progress for him?

Obviously, it is not okay for you because it's hurting you.
Definitely not meaning what he did was okay, but does this show restraint on his end by NOT meeting up with her??

I will read more of your history :) Since you mentioned you try to be positive I DEFINITELY DIDN'T want to
post with guns a blazin' re: your spouse.

It still sucks. I know. HUGS.

forgivingnow posted 7/18/2013 17:02 PM

I asked him why...."I don't know".
How do I know he didn't go? I believed him. I hope I'm not a fool. I feel like one. I am so scared. I told him I was just starting to feel safe. If I can't trust my gut.....
I need a faithful husband. He said he was all in. Looking at backpage ads for prostitutes is not all in.
I feel like I am in shock. I'm sobbing & shaking in his arms in the middle of the night, again.

Thank you, all of you, for your support.

forgivingnow posted 7/18/2013 17:34 PM

I found out Friday that he does look at the backpage ads & says doesn't act on it, until this phone call. My boundary was one porn site(& sometimes we look together) & no clicking on the pop ups for real people to chat or web cam. So he lied about what sites he goes to.
Is it good he says he did not go? Yes. He had several years of going.
But supposedly 27 months of being faithful & now this? I'm at a total loss. It's almost like it isn't real.
I look at him and feel love. I want "us". I'm so confused.

MissesJai posted 7/18/2013 17:38 PM

any chance he's SA?

rachelc posted 7/18/2013 17:39 PM

FN: Honestly, I think its time to take a REALLY hard stance here. Making a call and getting rates and one more step and he's cheated again.
I would kick him out for a while. JMO.
Hugs to you!

UndecidedinMA posted 7/18/2013 18:45 PM

I am sorry where you are.

I have to agree with rechel. He needs a consequence, not points for not actually going(but you are just taking his word?)

sodamnlost posted 7/18/2013 19:25 PM

I found out Friday my H made a phone call 2 weeks ago to a prostitute here in our town about rates, etc. for a "massage". He did not make an appt or go but he called.


How did you find out? Did he confess or did you "catch" him? Have you looked at any and all bank statements to verify his story? Hate to be Debbie Downer but I would be doing some MEGA digging. Well, no, my WH would be OUT but I am wearing my bitch boots lately.

Got2GO posted 7/18/2013 19:47 PM

I'm sorry that you are going through this yet again. But just prepare yourself, once a cheater always a cheater.
Unless you want him for financial benefit start thinking about your exit strategy!

grapefruit posted 7/18/2013 19:59 PM

How did you find out? Did he confess or did you "catch" him?

I want to know this, too. I think it's important to how safe you can feel.

Have you talked about sex addiction (SA) at all? Because with SAs, just looking at the classified ads is considered "acting out". I agree with Rachel and Undecided - he needs consequences for this behaviour.

Just a thought, is there something going on that he is trying to escape from? Is that what is really happening?

Yep, and this is really common with SA - it's not actually about the sex at all. Does he know why he cheated before? Has he delved into that to satisfy you enough?

My H had a "slip" recently, too. Not nearly as bad as this, but it still proves he cannot regulate his behaviour when I am not around, and, as his IC said, he doesn't seem to have any self-awareness yet about it. Sorry you're going through this. It sucks.


forgivingnow posted 7/18/2013 20:27 PM

I go to his office often. I did Friday & saw a sticky note by his phone with questions & the name of an office/medical building in our town I asked him, what is this, pause, I asked is this something we need to talk about later, he said yes. I took the note. I said I might be done. I began shaking & said get me out of here. We left & talked for hours. Thanks to everyone here I was calm & spoke my mind in a way that allowed him to open up BUT, yes, I caught him. That note was on his desk with a pile of papers for just under 2 weeks. I went to the building today, obviously some legit medical business's there, but just sat in the parking lot & cried. I love my husband, I don't want my marriage to be over.

rachelc posted 7/18/2013 20:33 PM

I love my husband, I don't want my marriage to be over.

hugs honey! I so completely understand this... Please take care of yourself and PUT YOURSELF FIRST!! You have to be healthy to be in a relationship and putting up with this kind of stuff is not healthy for you. I know it's so hard!!!

grapefruit posted 7/18/2013 23:56 PM

So sorry ... the fact that you caught him isn't great. Prepare yourself for the fact that there could be more. It sounds like he's covering his butt right now.

Again, what has he done to fix himself in the past, and what is he doing now?

Look after yourself. Get sleep if you can, go for walks if you can, eat healthily as much as possible. We are here for you when you need.

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