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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: What to do?
Tesa
♀ 10002
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H does not know that I still check his call log. I hadnít been checking for a long time but there was an incident with OW last month that set me off.

Yesterday, I found that he spent all day texting another girl (not OW) beginning at 11pm on Sunday and continuing until I got home at 6pm on Monday. There was a few hours break after 2am (sleeping, I assume). H was out Sunday night and got home at 1am. He works from home so I know he was there on Monday. From some sleuthing, I know who it is and I know this is her number but the texts have all been deleted from his phone.

Typically, I can never sit on something I discover and confront him immediately; however, this time I have sat back trying to decide what I should do. I donít think he is involved in an A. But, I do think that itís inappropriate contact. We have spoken about this particular girl texting him several months ago and he agreed that it would stop (which it did); however, here we are againÖ

I feel like itís a validation & ego stroking issue with him. However, I was completely blindsided by his previous A so how can I really be sure more isnít going on? Why delete the texts if they were innocent?

Itís been 4 years since his A. So much about our life is different (better). We are married now. We bought a home. He says that he is happy. If I confront him about the deleting, he will know that I still have trust issues.

I just donít know what I should do.

[This message edited by Tesa at 3:00 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Mar 2006
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is keeping secrets from you. This is a huge red flag. Only at 6 months, but I don't think WS's get to delete texts.
Everyone is different but if my WW, keep this kind of info from me, I would find it hard to stay.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 676 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
TryingEveryday
♂ 39429
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's because I am on the betrayed side, like you, but the reality of the situation is that you may always have trust issues, and he just needs to accept that. He destroyed your trust, so how can you not have issues. If he is truly trying to have an honest and real relationship with you, then he needs to be able to accept whatever you need to feel secure.

The contact sounds waaaaay inappropriate. Even if nothing at all is happening, he should know better than to text someone in that manner. If there were no affair in your past, maybe ok. But there is, and he chose it, and now the rules are different.

I think you need to make a promise to yourself that you will say whatever it is you need to say. You need to ask him about this, then do it. You need to scream and yell and vent some of the feelings that are still there? Then do it. All cheating spouses who are serious about R know that they changed the rules and now they have to play by the new ones!

Finally, ask yourself: when was the last time your gut feeling was wrong? Go with it.

I hope it all turns out ok, but please remember, you were the one who was wronged in such a terrible way and that gives you permission to do things the way you want to.


Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 20 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tesa,
Typically, I can never sit on something I discover and confront him immediately;

That is me in a nutshell! Isn't that the most nauseating feeling to hold that information? I feel like I have rocks in my gut. It seriously makes me sick with poison.
I am new here, so you definitely want to consider others' opinions as well...
but if you told him a while back you weren't comfortable with him texting this girl, and he still is (all day? really?) and then hiding it?
It's not that you're not trusting, it's that he's not trustworthy.
Period. You have every right to bring this up and ask him about it.
#1) you already requested NC with this girl
#2) he deleted texts so there's no "proof" that it was innocent, even if it was
#3) as I like to call my WS "He's a known liar."
#4) this poison will eat you every minute until you have the information you need.

((hugs))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tesa
♀ 10002
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting on this is killing me. I woke up with a horrible headache & my stomach is a mess. I want to leave work and go home to crawl in bed.

He knows somethingís up. He asked me several times last night what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to talk about it: Told him I had a hard day at work (which was true). He said that he wasn't okay with me not talking about it because if something is wrong, I shouldn't keep it from him. I looked him straight in the eyes and told him that he keeps things from me so why do I have to always be the open book? (this was going back to a pervious conversation we had a few weeks ago about not having to share every detail moment of traumatic events from our past.)

Today there have been no texts (that I can tell, sometimes the call detail on-line isnít updated accurately). Heís sent me love-texts a few times today too. That is not out of the ordinary for him.


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Mar 2006
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tesa I am in your shoes today.
I am just information gathering and that information is gathering right in my gut!
Seems like things aren't adding up, no matter how much you want to trust, right?
This is what I hate about the idea of Reconciling.
I lived this way after my XWS for years (with current WS) and I don't want to live this way anymore.
It is not living.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tesa

He is having an EA. He is spending time on someone else. He is texting her around the clock. This is not okay.

Once a WS has had an affair they don't get to be "friends" with the opposite sex.

Yes, you still have trust issues because he is giving you reasons to.

I would demand NO TEXTING any women unless it is family or work related.

How would he feel if you were behaving this way?

Unacceptable. Follow your gut you know something is off.

Good luck. Be strong for yourself.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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