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False Recovery or Sabotaging R?

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whatamess11 posted 7/18/2013 17:38 PM

Hi All...My H has been in limbo...on the fence...for the past 10 months while in R. Basically, after we decided to reconcile, he decided to stay and try. It's been a huge roller coaster but we have made a lot of progress. He stayed to give it a try for the sake of kids, finances, and a 21 year relationship. We have been in MC and IC for over a year. We go religiously, and find it very helpful.

Throughout the entire 10 months he talked of divorce...saying I'm no longer special and that he needs to find happiness and that all I represent is pain. He's never really sad, but he is still very angry and often communicates that in a negative non-prodcutive manner. And he focuses so much of his energy on details...he triggers a lot.

For the record, we are MH's. We've been on the site for a while so some of you are familiar with our story. But for me this post isn't about a score card about who did what. At this point, I find that counterproductive. I just don't know what to do at this point. As SI would say, I've been a model WS..trying to do all I can to help him with his pain. I just feel like he's giving up...or maybe he's sabotaging or maybe he doesn't have the emotional capability to deal with this. He says he doesn't love me after what I've done. He says he never will. He says he hates me. And that I'm solely responsible for ruining his life without really looking at some of his own decisions.

He knows it takes 2-5 years to R, but he says he's done and he can't do it anymore. It's only been a year from D-day and 8 months into recovery. I wish I could just shake him and make him stick it out, but he is of his own mind..and he continues to choose to put too much energy at this point into all that happened. I know I'm rambling...I'm very upset and angry and confused as we have made progress, and I do love him very much, and want to continue our R which I feel can be successful in time if he allows the process to take place.

Please help me. I can't turn to family and friends...I don't think anyone wants to hear this stuff anymore, and I've chosen not to burden them with all this.

1Faith posted 7/18/2013 19:22 PM

Does he want a D? And all that goes with it? He has to heal regardless if you R or D.

Does he find MC helpful at all?

How is your affair the deal breaker if he had one too?

Try and ask him to give it another 3 months and really work toward forgiving one another and communicating.

I am sorry you are hurting. You have been heard.


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