I have read many books on affairs.
I just read a chapter in the book Love Busters. It captures in 3 statements what I have spent hours reading about and understanding.
Here is what is said.
Affairs almost always die because they are nurtured by dishonesty and thoughtlessness, characteristics that eventually destroy any relationship.
The passion that keeps an affair alive cannot be sustained with honesty and thoughtfulness.
Once the passion has ended, the foolishness of the affair becomes apparent to the unfaithful spouse.
Three simply written statements that capture the path of the affair my wife chose to have...so simple, yet so very hurtful and destructive. I guess at the end of the day...Affairs really ARE simple with regards to their life cycle...but complex in the the way they jack with people.
I soooo see all of the above from the vantage point of having gone through this personally. Of course, try telling me all of that in the beginning and I would not have believed it...not the way my WW was acting and saying. It appeared to me even that she had found her soul mate...had ME questioning how that was a real possibility.
So if you are new to adultery being brought into your marriage...try and do better then I did.
Here is the part that has me troubled...has from almost the beginning....
The author states...
The unfaithful spouse will either end the affair the right way by making a decision never to see or talk to the lover again, or the affair will end the wrong way--by dying a natural death.
In my situation it was actually my wifes AP that chose not to continue the A. Her A died a natural death due to the OM choosing to kill it.
Unfortunately the author does not explain what happens if the affair dies a natural death. I still have this underlying feeling that my wife is in this marriage by default...not by full choice. And that is not a good feeling and is a barrier to me wanting to expose myself to her again...I try, but this feeling is there and does not appear to be lessening.
I do engage my wife on this...both alone and in counseling...have not made peace with what has been revealed. Some of what has been said has basically been....She is here isn't she?...and She isn't stuck, she has options, and you do to. (meaning divorce). Sometimes she says...She chose me because I am the much better man....and She appreciates the opportunity I have given her to R our marriage.
I still wrestle with the facts that she stepped out on me\marriage\family once...and did not really ever make a hard choice to end the A. The kicker in my situation is her AP made that choice to kill my wifes A...but he doe not appear to be working to fix himself....I say that because when I talked to his wife she had a laundry list of things SHE did wrong that made him step outside his marriage. I have also since seen him in a compromising position with another woman...not his wife. (so maybe I am posting for nothing...I guess he stopped his affair the so-called RIGHT way...and look where he is at). I guess he failed to get to the end of the affair life cycle I spoke of earlier...failing to see the foolishness affairs really are.
TTing plays into this. With time and actions by my wife, I am moving past this being such a big factor...but it still hurts...and the fog hurt as well. I really do believe now the best thing for the BS to do early on is to detach so as not to get hurt more. I don't beat myself up over this, I was ignorant, was in shock..so I did the best I knew how.
Dang...long post. I tried to capture that which I wrestle with.
BS or WS....anyone have a more firm understanding how the best way for an A to end is? I am not looking for R guarantees here...but am looking to see if anyone with the wisdom from living through the different ways affairs end will chime in and relate how their small part of hell ended...by WS choice or by default due to the AP killing the A?
God be with us all.