[This message edited by Schilling at 8:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]
People are murder in the name of love every year. People are beaten in the name of love every week. People are assaulted in the name of love every day.
Actions speak louder than words. Do the work. Do it every day. Hold him to it. And hold each other. Love isn't enough, but it can make the difference.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You mention you're in IC, will you also do MC in the near future? It can help to learn the communication skills that will help repair your M.
We are in R.
i would consider shelving the love right now....it just isnt enough to save the m.
I mention this just to encourage you from thinking too hard about the future at this time.
Love is important. Love is an action...a verb....NOT an emotion.
IMO, it is shallow to view love as an emotion...one you show when you are feeling good with someone (like our WS did with their AP)...that is childsplay. It is deeper to view love in its pure form...as an action. Jesus died for us...even though we mocked, ridiculed, and murdered him... He stayed true to himself and true to his love for us. He never lashed out in anger, never called us stupid, never said things like How could you do this to me? He was not a doormat...he was a door man...opening the door to something far better then we deserve or can imagine. (I wrestled with the doormat thing as I wondered what my role in R looked like...the true to self thing stopped that doormat notion in its tracks).
So if you and your husband are committed to showing true love...staying true to yourselves while finding ways to care for each other you will make it through this. If only you choose this path...you will be fine regardless of his actions. By staying true to yourself you will set firm boundaries...if he crosses those boundaries (ie he commits adultery) YOU have not failed...he has chosen to not love you.
If my wife chooses to have another A...that will hurt me...but it will not destroy me because I NOW realize what being true to myself while showing love to another looks like...starting to really understand what is meant by the common theme of....
The singular act that is your WS affair is not about you...it affects you...but it is not a reflection of you.
This does NOT mean fake it until you make it.
When you are angry the action of love is to NOT say and do mean things. Sometimes the action of love is to simply not do more harm.
For me...this is a very new way to view love....but I was pretty ignorant about the definition of love pre-A.
Done a lot of work in this area...driven by what our vows really meant and mean.
Hope this helps.
God be with you both.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:20 AM, July 19th (Friday)]
That is what is really needed is commitment. 100% committed to honesty, to transparency, perseverance, to empathy, to carrying the weight when the other just can't, to prioritising each other, to dig deep into yourselves, whatever it takes.
The rollercoaster takes its toll. so many ups and so many downs. For us love was what pushed us to keep moving forward. But it took so much more than love to actually move forward.
The book The 5 Love Languages speak to this fact...that there are many ways to show love through our actions.
Chico is so very correct on the 100% committed thing. If you and your husband can honestly get to that point...and understand and embrace that the other person is also at that point...this will work.
10 months out here...and I can say I am 100% committed...but I dont feel that my wife is 100% committed...and I think she has some reservations about my committment level too....we are working to firm this up....working on doing things that confirm our 100% committment in each others minds.
But, per my own professed wisdom, I dont NEED to feel her 100% committment to choose to love her. And I do choose to love her...always have...but I am moving towards a more pure form of love...very much unconditional.
I wont lie to you...it is tough at times...because of the pain involved with her A....but it is getting easier. Made much easier by the honesty we are trying to develop between us. I, too, held back from radical honesty...sigh. We are all imperfect, all broken in some way.
A healthy marriage is two whole but broken people coming together and choosing to love each other....realizing that the relationship can never be perfect...and forging forward, together inspite of that knowledge...with the singular combined goal of improving but not reaching perfection. Kind of a bastardized version of stuff I have been reading...so not my own thought...just a combination of things.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:35 AM, July 19th (Friday)]
t/j Blake, money changers/temple. Didn't Jesus also demonstrate that righteous anger is ok too? (don't want to delve too far and cross the no religion threshold. Mods, sorry in advance if I have done so.) t/j
I had a lengthy response..but am not sure about the religous threshold...so I cut it out. I will post it where it is appropriate.
Thank you for your nudging.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:09 AM, July 19th (Friday)]
On the other hand, there wouldn't be much point in struggling to fix this if you didn't love each other. So, it's very, very important and a good starting place.
A good relationship takes work, and skills, and commitment, and lots of other things that don't just happen.
It is wonderful that you love each other. Some people never really get to feel that in their whole lives. It is precious and worth fighting for. But don't count on it to get you through.
As far as the roller coaster goes, the fact that WH loves me doesn't help very much. As I said, he loved me then too. What helps is when I see how hard he is working on himself and us and especially when I see application of what he's learned.
Keep up the work and i bet you guys will make it.