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she came over again!!

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Alyssamd24 posted 7/18/2013 20:50 PM

For those of you who have read any of my previous posts, I had written about a co-worker of my BH whom I do not like or trust...one who has a history of having A's with married men. The last time I posted about her I was upset because my BH had had her over for dinner in our home.

So I got a call from my BH tonight....he was getting ready to have a few friends over for dinner and then they were going to go jogging. The friends were all coworkers..2 men and 2 women, one who is the one I previously mentioned.

He told me he didn't want to hide it from me and was telling me himself so I didn't hear about it from anyone else. He then said he didn't mean to invite her, but didn't want to be rude and tell her she couldn't come.

We spoke about it the last time she was over....I explained to him why I was upset and he apologized and said he could understand why I was upset...so why would he go and do it again?

I am angry that he had her over to our house again even though he knows how I feel about it. I thought things have been getting better between us lately and was finally starting to feel optimistic about things working out....

longroadhome posted 7/18/2013 21:38 PM

Red flag- why is it more important to him to not hurt her feelings than to honor a boundary that you asked for? Not trying to stir the pot, but that really doesn't sit right.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/18/2013 21:59 PM

I couldn't agree with you more....hence my frustration!!!

longroadhome posted 7/18/2013 22:18 PM

What does your gut tell you? Is he on the slippery slope? What would it mean for you if he is?

Alyssamd24 posted 7/18/2013 22:26 PM

My gut tells me that it's probably innocent and she is just a friend....but it's possible he is doing it on purpose to get me angry and to get revenge on me for what I did to him.

I have never really been worried about him cheating on me before...there was a time that one of my "friends" tried to make me think he was, but I never believed it. But I also never thought I would cheat on him...

longroadhome posted 7/18/2013 22:37 PM

So what are you going to do if (when?) it happens again?

KBeguile posted 7/18/2013 23:29 PM

Remember, Alyssa: you can't control HIS actions, only YOURS.

Unagie posted 7/19/2013 00:08 AM

Alyssa you are allowed to have boundaries in all this. What are your consequences if he crosses your boundaries. What are you going to do for you? FWIW I don't like it. He meets her randomly in the city and shares those pics on FB, has her over for dinner and despite knowing how you feel has her over again because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. None of it sounds good.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/19/2013 05:52 AM

I believe FOM and boundaries need to be a two way street. Both partners need to be fully committed to making each other feel safe.

authenticnow posted 7/19/2013 06:08 AM

I think it's time for you to make plans to move back home.

He doesn't get to call all the shots. You left your home and your kids and he's keeping you in limbo. Shit or get off the pot time does not only come for WSs. It's time to enforce your own boundaries and do what you need to do for you.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 7/19/2013 06:28 AM

Alyssa,

While you have every right to enforce your boundaries, you do realize how absolutely insane it seems to your BH that you are angry about him seeing another woman while EVERY DAY you see your affair partner? Pardon me, every work day.

If you really decide to follow AuthenticNow's advice, realize that it will likely not go well.

You get your cake. He has to tow the line. That seems like a winning combination for R.

Obviously, your mileage may vary, but I doubt it...

Alyssamd24 posted 7/19/2013 09:48 AM

Long road,
I don't know what I will do if it happens again...I have told him how I feel and would prefer he not spend time with her outside of work...I am hoping he will respect that.

Unagie,
I agree with you..it is very suspicious and I don't think as innocent as he wants me to think. I do think he is doing it just to make me mad, I don't think it's really an A.

I haven't thought of what my boundaries are.

Really screwed up,
I still see AP at work....but it's only every so often and we rarely even make eye contact...if I do talk to him it's about his son....nothing else. This is a woman that he knows I don't like and don't trust, a woman who has had multiple A's with married men, and he has had her at our home twice now.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/19/2013 09:51 AM

Authentic now,

I would love to go back home....everyday that goes by that I am still at my parents house rather than with my.family breaks my heart.

But I can't push my way back into our home if he doesn't want me there. I feel like that would hurt R more than anything else.

Aubrie posted 7/19/2013 09:52 AM

if I do talk to him it's about his son....nothing else
Umm...why are you talking to him about anything at all? Hello? Work related only. Better yet, new job.

You have a problem with a known cheater in your home with your heartbroken husband. Ok, I get that. However, you're still talking to your AP about his son at work. What's with the double standard?

Alyssamd24 posted 7/19/2013 10:03 AM

Aubrie
I guess I should have been more specific....talking to the AP about his sons day is work related....I am his sons teacher

longroadhome posted 7/19/2013 10:06 AM

if I do talk to him it's about his son

Do you suppose that some genuine NC may be the next step to take? I am in no way supporting your H hanging out with another woman, but I can see why his instinct is to detach if you're giving him no indication that you will give up the om and fight for your H.

Here's what I would do...ymmv. Quit the job and find another (difficult but not impossible and IMO, necessary,) send a NC letter and establish an absolute fuck off boundary with om, and get too work on you. Let your H see that you're making yourself safe so he can decide what to do next.

I think if you start to do the real work this other woman may just disappear from his life. If not, at least you're working on you and you can't do anything to change how he feels

Again, JMHO. YMMV. Some assembly required, batteries not included. If I had the right answer to everything, I wouldn't be here in the first place.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/19/2013 10:18 AM

The only contact I have right now with OM is when I see him at work and he drops off/picks up. If possible I don't talk to him at all...but if I am the only teacher in the room it is unavoidable and then the only conversation we have is professional. BH doesn't want me to find a new job.

Other than at work the OM and I are NC....I have deactivated my fb account and we no longer text or email.

BH and I are working on R. We both have been in IC and have just started MC.

uncertainone posted 7/19/2013 10:28 AM

But I can't push my way back into our home if he doesn't want me there. I feel like that would hurt R more than anything else.

You're not in R. You post and get consistent advice which you do not take.

Move home. I'm assuming your name is on the lease. If not get thee to a lawyer and set up custody.

Quit your job and move your daughter to another preschool or work with her at home and have play dates with other children.

Find a part time job, or full time if you can.

Work on yourself.

Your husbands choices are not healthy. Neither are yours. I would not spend one minute away from my child. She should be your number on focus right now. That and your work.

Nothing will change if you don't change. MC and IC while he's having "friends" over and you're working with OM is not a recipe for success. Doctors go to football games too. Doesn't help the team win. You two are doing your own things that are not working toward healthy safe relationship.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:29 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

longroadhome posted 7/19/2013 10:57 AM

The only contact I have right now with OM is when I see him at work and he drops off/picks up.

That is too much. NC means NC.

Tren0R201 posted 7/19/2013 15:41 PM

I'm sorry OP but the two can't mutually exist.

You had an affair with somebody. Shared intimacy and a connection with somebody. As much as you can tell yourself all conversations are strictly professional, sometimes it's not what is said, but the way it is said, the looks between you, the body language.. mind you this is what your husband has to deal with everyday, not only the mind movies of the affair but if you're interacting with your AP, how you are interacting.

Maybe he doesn't want you to find another job because he really shouldn't have to tell you to sever the only link you have with AP. While you worry about another woman coming to your house every now and then, he might be worrying about the brief contact you have with your ex AP.

To be clear, him inviting the woman over is a red flag. But for you NC should be NC. Not half NC.

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