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Ixion posted 7/18/2013 22:54 PM

So far in 2013, I have discovered that my wife has been having a 12 month affair while we were seperated for her career, and she built a new life with a stranger after only a few months of moving away, moved him into her house, worked with him against me trying to disuade me from following her out there by being cold and difficult, lied to me constantly, and sent him pages and pages of messages that I had been asking her for constantly, and now I live in the place that they shared in the city that the OM still lives in. He might even still have a copied set of keys to where we live, and he recently created a new Facebook page filled with a love message and over 50 photos of him and my wife from the last 12 months, and he attempts to contact her two or three times every week (although she says that she never responds).

On top of this, I have moved job, home and country, sold off or put into storage pretty much my entire life, packed up my home and arranged for all the paperwork and preparations for renting it out, left my entire support network behind to be closer to my wifes friends and family, the same people who all knew about her affair and also lied to me through their silence, and been told that my father has cancer.

After all of this, I feel like I should be more angry, more.... devastated somehow. I dont know if my wifes affair is 'real' to me. It all happened on the other side of the world. My only evidence is the way that she treated me - which was bad enough on its own - as well as a load of photos of them together, and the multiple pages of messages. I 'know' it happened, and I am not happy about it. But, I have no desire to upset or hurt my wife, and it seems like its me who is making all of the effort right now. Maybe she sees it the opposite way, but she has said that she feels like she is waiting for me to decide what I want for the future, while I just want her to admit that she messed up and make some kind of effort or 'plea' for us in some way. She says that she doesnt regret it as much as she probably should and my only really insecure times are around checking her phone for more messages from him, which makes her angry, and noticing every change in the apartment where we live and wondering if that was his influence (although, saying that, when I got home from work yesterday and was asked to go out for bread before I took off my shoes, I did wait around the corner for ten minutes to see if 'he' emerged out of our house!). Maybe, as a man, its difficult to express how I feel about it all, feeling like I should keep calm and stay in control. Maybe I worry about upsetting her or hurting her. Maybe the fact that she hasnt acknowledged what she did has meant that I cant accept it yet either. Or maybe I just have just emotionally checked out of my marriage for good and so it no longer matters because I dont care.

I dont know how I can move on when I feel like this, and part of me feels like it is giving my wife a 'pass' in some way, and making her feel that what she did isnt actually that bad, but I feel like I just dont care enough. And while this goes on, I feel totally in a limbo. I crave validation and a physical connection, but my wife says that she is not ready for that (not with me, it seems!) and I know that it would be a bad idea..... but I still feel like I am being denied, even if I am being denied of being given the chance to refuse her. The other concern is that it will suddenly hit me in the future, and that any decisions or judgements that I make right now will be regretted intensly. But, not making any judgement or decision is itself an action.

Is it normal, in a case where the affair happened in a different country or place, to feel disconnected like this? Should I be more angry? Should I be worried?

Duffy1958 posted 7/19/2013 00:02 AM

Numb, shock, I would guess yes.

Your wife's response is horrible by the way. "Not as sorry as she should be?" Dont accept that. 180 her ass until she understands.

Her response is all kinds of messed up. Are you sure it is over & not underground? It happens.

Why does your wife stay, I'm curious. Not very comforting.

Please don't under-value yourself. You sound like a great person with something going on for himself. Dont let her emasculate you with & by her indifference.

There isn't anything wrong with being slow to anger. That's a great attribute. Don't let her abuse you & dont allow it for yourself K?

Stay in touch. Duffy1958

Ixion posted 7/19/2013 12:45 PM

Hi. I am not sure that I will ever really be sure that the affair hasn't gone underground, but I have seen the messages that OM has sent her, and they are angry and desperate. So, I don't think that it is likely at this point.... but obviously I have been very wrong in the past. In some way, finding out that they were still seeing each other would break the deadlock and make my choice clear to me...

I honestly don't know why my wife stays. I can only guess, based on how well I know her. My version of event is; She moved to a foreign country and was lonely and isolated. She is naturally insecure. She took the attention of the first guy she found. The relationship became a vicious circle, while I tried to get a new job that proved more difficult than we expected. As time went on, their relationship became 'normal' while ours became 'distant'. I don't think that she ever really wanted to end us, or end up with him. She had more than a year of opportunities to end our marriage, even coming to the UK to do so but not being able to do, and constantly put off that confrontation with me to the next deadline (when she visited me last year, when I get a job, when I sign the contract...). When I did get a job and contract, and told her I was moving in spite of her actions, she dropped him pretty quick.

But, she doesn't seem to feel remorse, and in some sense that it the worst thing. If she had done this, and then admitted that she was wrong and told me that she still wanted us, I could deal with her making this mistake in weakness, maybe. But, I think that she feels that it was in some way justified. I will admit that I wasn't a great husband before she left. I wasn't nasty, but I lacked motivation and my life wasn't going anywhere. Ironically, the period on my own made me reflect on myself a lot, and become much more the man that we both needed me to be.... just as she was putting more emotional distance between than we had ever had in the past.

Now she says that she 'doesn't regret it as much as she probably should', that she doesn't find me attractive right now, and that she doesn't know what she wants from the future. Not being together for a year and a half will dull the relationship, and I was expecting it to take some time to be used to each other again and warm up to each other, but not like this.

Moving country and job was supposed to be a new beginning. It was supposed to be a fresh start, an opportunity to make things better and a time in my life full of promise and happiness and potential. Instead, I am living in 'their' home, with an uncertain traumatic future, no support network and having wasted 18 months of my life living a lie.

Ixion posted 7/21/2013 19:35 PM

I was reasonably sure that her A had ended.... until a few days ago when she suddenly started hiding her mobile phone again.

But this is the point. I could sneak and get it (its usually in her bag, where it always used to be out charging overnight and now I guess that she charges it at work). Hell, I could be there when she finishes work to make sure that she is not meeting him (its the only real time that she has when I wouldn't know). But I just don't have the energy for this, and I guess that a part of me doesn't want to know really.

devistatedmom posted 7/21/2013 19:57 PM

Ixion, you need to lay it on the line for her. Tell her your boundaries. Tell her she MUST block him so she can't even receive texts from him, even if she isn't answering. You two should go get some MC, and figure out what is what. Right now, she has the power, You need to take it, and make sure she is choosing YOU if she stays...not that she's just going to wait around for the next best thing to come.

Duffy1958 posted 7/21/2013 23:46 PM

Ixion, I'm very sorry you have further reason to question the authenticity of your wife.

Today you don't have the energy to check, you may not tomorrow. The most important thing is taking care of yourself. If they went underground, you will find out soon enough.

This is a roller coaster of emotions. When you are having better days, you will make progress in doing whatever you need to do to get your life back in your control.

You can not afford self condemnation. Don't go there. You are not responsible for her choice of dealing with stress in new country. That is not any sort of reason BTW. That's crap. Really.

I hear the angst you feel over OM having been in your home prior. It wasn't "theirs". It was you & your wife, he was the interloper. Not a very honorable person, is he? Don't let those kind of mind movies play in your head. It isn't true. The truth of their actions in the home is, they were wrong. Period. Don't give it anymore head space.

Re-claim your home. Change the appearance. Do whatever makes it feel more like yours. Put your feet up on "your" couch. Relax. Kick OM & his stank out the door.

Take care, stay in touch. Duffy1958

Ixion posted 7/23/2013 00:39 AM

Thanks for your messages. They really do help. I did check her phone yesterday a couple of times, and there was nothing there. Maybe I am a little paranoid - but I dont think thats strange and I am still suspicious. OM has suddenly vanished. He went from trying to contact her 2-3 times a week and having a facebook page dedicated to 'their love', to nothing. He took both the dedicated facebook page down, and his own personal one, and 'hasnt tried to contact' her for over a week now.
I just dont know what to think. I am feeling pretty trapped right now, and I should be the one making the decisions. But, I am caught between a horrible seperation process and being alone in a foreign country, and staying with someone that I dont trust and who just reminds me of pain right now, even if she does seem to be making more effort.
I work on the basis that it will all come out in the end if it really matters, and right now I dont have the energy to do much except get to work and have dinner. I am worred that I am just waiting for 'something better' to come along, to meet someone new and move on without being alone. That doesnt seem particularly honourable, but at the same time... this is my wife. I didnt get married thinking it wouldnt last. And, I still dont want her hurt...
I have no idea what to think about all of this. Maybe my brain is stuck in 'pre-A' mode, where I was sure that hard work would be worth it and solve the issues. I am no longer sure that everything - or this thing - can be solved right now. I cant really face any of this right now, but I am worried that if I just stay in this situation, things will go 'back to how they were' without any conscious decision from me, and I will just resent her for it and be stuck in a marriage that I no longer want or believe in.