So far in 2013, I have discovered that my wife has been having a 12 month affair while we were seperated for her career, and she built a new life with a stranger after only a few months of moving away, moved him into her house, worked with him against me trying to disuade me from following her out there by being cold and difficult, lied to me constantly, and sent him pages and pages of messages that I had been asking her for constantly, and now I live in the place that they shared in the city that the OM still lives in. He might even still have a copied set of keys to where we live, and he recently created a new Facebook page filled with a love message and over 50 photos of him and my wife from the last 12 months, and he attempts to contact her two or three times every week (although she says that she never responds).
On top of this, I have moved job, home and country, sold off or put into storage pretty much my entire life, packed up my home and arranged for all the paperwork and preparations for renting it out, left my entire support network behind to be closer to my wifes friends and family, the same people who all knew about her affair and also lied to me through their silence, and been told that my father has cancer.
After all of this, I feel like I should be more angry, more.... devastated somehow. I dont know if my wifes affair is 'real' to me. It all happened on the other side of the world. My only evidence is the way that she treated me - which was bad enough on its own - as well as a load of photos of them together, and the multiple pages of messages. I 'know' it happened, and I am not happy about it. But, I have no desire to upset or hurt my wife, and it seems like its me who is making all of the effort right now. Maybe she sees it the opposite way, but she has said that she feels like she is waiting for me to decide what I want for the future, while I just want her to admit that she messed up and make some kind of effort or 'plea' for us in some way. She says that she doesnt regret it as much as she probably should and my only really insecure times are around checking her phone for more messages from him, which makes her angry, and noticing every change in the apartment where we live and wondering if that was his influence (although, saying that, when I got home from work yesterday and was asked to go out for bread before I took off my shoes, I did wait around the corner for ten minutes to see if 'he' emerged out of our house!). Maybe, as a man, its difficult to express how I feel about it all, feeling like I should keep calm and stay in control. Maybe I worry about upsetting her or hurting her. Maybe the fact that she hasnt acknowledged what she did has meant that I cant accept it yet either. Or maybe I just have just emotionally checked out of my marriage for good and so it no longer matters because I dont care.
I dont know how I can move on when I feel like this, and part of me feels like it is giving my wife a 'pass' in some way, and making her feel that what she did isnt actually that bad, but I feel like I just dont care enough. And while this goes on, I feel totally in a limbo. I crave validation and a physical connection, but my wife says that she is not ready for that (not with me, it seems!) and I know that it would be a bad idea..... but I still feel like I am being denied, even if I am being denied of being given the chance to refuse her. The other concern is that it will suddenly hit me in the future, and that any decisions or judgements that I make right now will be regretted intensly. But, not making any judgement or decision is itself an action.
Is it normal, in a case where the affair happened in a different country or place, to feel disconnected like this? Should I be more angry? Should I be worried?