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keep the money or not?

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numbandnauseous posted 7/19/2013 01:33 AM

Background: I filed for D a few weeks ago; our court date was tomorrow, but I have delayed it because he says he is completely committed to our M and he has taken some steps to show that he is committed. I am still thinking we will likely go through with the D, but I am curious to see how long his "committment" lasts. Anywhoo, he has hidden large amounts of money in the past when he thought I was going to D him. We have ROs on all our money now, which he has not violated thus far.

On to the question:
I am a SAHM and I have my own bank account with a couple of bills that I pay from there. I transfer money from our joint account to my personal account to pay those bills. One of those bills is my student loans, which are $400/month. I paid off my student loans a while ago, but I still have the money transferred every month to give me an extra cushion in case WH tries to screw me money-wise. The money sits in my account and occasionally goes to pay L fees.

Do I come clean and tell WH that my student loans are paid off? (i.e., do I tell him that we don't need to transfer the $400/mo to my account anymore?)

The reason that this has come up is that we are doing a budget and my student loans are a line item in the budget.

If we get D'd, all the money will be split (including this money); I am not transferring it to another account or hiding it in any way.

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 1:35 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

careerlady posted 7/19/2013 02:10 AM

Don't tell him until you are rock stable! If the divorce doesn't go through it doesn't matter and if the divorce does go through that means he is misleading you currently! Keep it!

Lilypad posted 7/19/2013 03:45 AM

Personally I think every woman especially stay at home moms need some kind of nest egg. If you don't want it in your name, put it in your mom's name and have her keep the money for you.

I trust my daughter and if it was me I would have her keep it for me.

Too many SAHM get screwed over when the big D comes. People always say, "I would never do that" and sure enough they do.

Protect yourself. That is smart and there is nothing wrong with that.

dmari posted 7/19/2013 05:15 AM

Keep the money. I have been a SAHM but worked part time and I am so thankful that I was the one in charge of our families finances. Thankfully, stbx is a complete ignorant idiot when it comes to money. If I hadn't had a savings or if I hadn't kept a clean credit history, I don't know what type of situation I would be in right now. Can you give yourself a higher allowance? If he is completely committed to your M, then he should be willing to give you more for your personal account. Try to read some books about women and money. Good luck!

LifeIsBroken posted 7/19/2013 07:58 AM

Keep it, continue as you are. And, if there is a way you can move $ to a new account, in your mother's name, for example, do that, too. Under the circumstances, you need to protect YOU. If R works and later on you feel you are solid again with your M, then use the surplus for a family vacation or buy something for your home.... but DO continue to add to it and keep it safe from the joint funds.... forever.

peridot posted 7/19/2013 09:45 AM

I was a sahm and one of those who were screwed over. He left and stopped paying every thing. Didn't give me any money.

Keep the money in your bank. Keep putting $400 a month in your bank and don't ever say anything. I agree, all sahm's should have a nest egg. Never again will I put myself in that position.

numbandnauseous posted 7/19/2013 15:29 PM

Wow, I thought there might be mixed reactions to this, but everyone is saying the same thing: keep the money!

dmari - I'm not sure what you mean about higher allowance, but my "allowance" right now is generous. I pay off my credit card every month, pay cash for therapy 3 times a week, fund an IRA for myself (the max I can do is $5000/year, though) and many other things. So the $400 per month does not go toward any expenses - it is extra money above whatever expenses I have.

Also, he has no access to my personal acct. His name is not on it and he won't get the money in there even if I die.

I think putting the money in an acct in my mother's name would violate our current financial restraining order. Why do you feel this is necessary since the money goes into my personal acct?

dmari posted 7/19/2013 15:47 PM

I'm not sure what you mean about higher allowance, but my "allowance" right now is generous.
Phew. This is good! Please make sure that is covered in the RO ~ you don't want that to suddenly cease. Continue to build up your savings ~ if you R or D, it's always important to have a savings.

numbandnauseous posted 7/19/2013 16:25 PM

Yes, my L has said that we should continue to spend money as we always have as long as it allows me to keep my prior-to-filing for D lifestyle (that I can pay for things that I want, take trips, etc.)

Take2 posted 7/19/2013 18:29 PM

I basically agree with the others. And if it is in an acct., under your name, then if you should D he'd get half, so no harm done against the RO.

But I am curious - What happened to the money he took and hid when he thought you were going to D him before? Has it reappeared?

Lilypad posted 7/19/2013 22:58 PM

I was a sahm and one of those who were screwed over. He left and stopped paying every thing. Didn't give me any money.
Keep the money in your bank. Keep putting $400 a month in your bank and don't ever say anything. I agree, all sahm's should have a nest egg. Never again will I put myself in that position.

I am sorry that this happened to you. I don't understand how any man can do this.

My dad screwed around on my mom with men and when they got divorced she never had to worry about anything. He ALWAYS paid his child support and alimony. Even when he wasn't required to.

He was never late with his payments and he never missed one.

I have read countless threads of men saying "I promise you won't have to worry about anything during our divorce etc. and then they turn around and screw the mother of their children around.

You ladies do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children financially.

Housefulloflove posted 7/19/2013 23:45 PM

I'm with everyone else.

I'm a SAHM and one of my biggest regrets is not putting aside some money for the future over the last decade. There were many times that we got large sums of money (the biggest being over $50,000 just 1.5 years ago!) and I let STBX burn through it all. I set aside money in my own account that he had no access to but during the inevitable lean times I used it for bills after he burned through the money he had access to.

Financially he is as ignorant as they come....well, not just financially but ESPECIALLY in that area!

If I hadn't repeatedly bailed us out of his financial disasters, my kids and I would be sitting pretty right now. Even though WAY less is coming in the money goes significantly further since I have 100% control over every dollar that comes into my household now. But wooooo..this would be a lot less stressful if I were sitting on half of the $50,000 we received!

But you live and learn. Definitely keep the money no matter what happens!

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 11:46 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

wontdefineme posted 7/20/2013 00:04 AM

If he truly wants this marriage, have your attorney write up a post nuptial and have him sign it. No screwing around, and make it where you get what you need to live a decent life. If he really wants you he will sign, if he doesn't, then it is still about him.

numbandnauseous posted 7/20/2013 01:09 AM

Thank you for your replies!

Take2 - wow, you have a good memory! The (large sum) of money he took when he thought I was going to D him was put back pretty quickly (the last $2000 of it took a month or so), but the majority of it was put back within a week of me confronting him. He also gave me internet access to the secret bank account so I could make sure that he wasn't doing anything funny with it. At the time, I told him I would D him if he thought he was going to control the money.

I have traditionally paid all the bills (from the joint account) and have always kept my own account separate from our joint account. When I was working, my paycheck went into my acct; now that there is no paycheck going in there, I transfer money from our joint acct into my personal account to pay a few personal bills (cell phone and credit card). The main bills (mortgage, electric, etc.) all are paid through our joint acct.

Housefull - I hear what you are saying and I have been tempted to bail him out when we recently ran out of money because he had to pay his L's retainer and pay for an apartment to live in. The background is that I took $6000 from our joint acct when he put a large amount of money in a secret bank acct when he thought I was going to D him. He knows that I have the $6000 and I told him that I would not be giving it back to him; that I needed it for security bc of his shadiness with money in the past. He was ok with this. So, I could have recently bailed him out, but I didn't. He had to sell stock to get the money to cover our expenses, but that is his issue. I really don't worry about money and he is conscientious enough that he won't let us run out. Also, I am now going to pay my attorney fees from our joint account (I paid the initial retainer from my personal acct bc I didn't want to give him a heads-up that I was D'ing him.) That is a bummer - I wish you had half of that $50,000!

It's good to hear other people's stories - thank you.

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 1:11 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/20/2013 13:00 PM

Yes, my L has said that we should continue to spend money as we always have as long as it allows me to keep my prior-to-filing for D lifestyle (that I can pay for things that I want, take trips, etc.)

Be very, very careful following this advice. I was told the same thing by both my lawyers. All that accomplished was me spending many thousands of dollars that I'll never get back, that I could have used right now to keep paying the bills and putting food on the table. As soon as the D started happening, STBX cut me & the kids off financially. He's strung this divorce out for 1.5 years and I've had to send my kids to bed hungry sometimes because LAST year I was still spending money the way the lawyers said I should. That was the most incredibly stupid, ill-advised advice I've ever heard. I wish I'd started scrimping back then, I might have been able to buy my kids new shoes now.

numbandnauseous posted 7/20/2013 23:31 PM

I'm so sorry, NG. I hope your financial situation improves soon. No parent (especially one as loving and protective as you) should have to send their kids to bed hungry.

I am a squirrel and I have lots of different nuts that I have been storing (the $400/mo being one among many).

Also, my father is a man of modest means (not wealthy, but he has no debt - house and cars paid off) and he would help me and the kids if we needed it.

SAWH and I worked on a budget yesterday. We are going to cut some expenses and buckle down. Since D and fear of financial destitution is on my mind constantly, I will continue to try to make wise financial choices for the kids and I.

SAWH also has a large 401K; I also have my own 401K and my profession is pretty employable, so I don't think I would have too much trouble finding a job if I had to. I THINK the kids and I will be ok, but I will continue to be weary...

Nature_Girl posted 7/20/2013 23:49 PM

Please take this advice very seriously: Even though you are a SAHM, find some way, ANY way, to keep yourself networked in to your profession. Do something part-time once in a while. Take the odd free-lance job. Stay active in your professional organization. Take classes, attend conferences & skill-building seminars.

Otherwise you're going to possibly end up like me with NO current work experience. It doesn't matter that I've kept my skills up and could teach the classes at the damn college. I have no recent work experience, so no one is interested in even interviewing me.

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