We decided to work things out but now, while there is no evidence of him cheating, I do suspect it again. I think he may have learned from his mistakes last time and that is why he won't go back to Virgin Mobile cell phone because Virgin has a call details and T-mobile doesn't even though he knows Virgin mobile has better service. He always takes a shower at night and now he is doing it in the morning. He is spending crazy money every day that he knows we don't have and I catch him in lies, though it is only Wawa and places for lunch. He shows me very, very little affection anymore. And its just always about him, what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it.
I'm also just so tired of trying. I'm always trying to make him happy, satisfy him, please him. When he cheated it was made to be my fault, when something goes wrong its something I did wrong. I walk on eggshells around him day in and day out! He did nothing to prove he was sorry for cheating except say "I'm wrong and I'm sorry". Just the next day it was like everything was supposed to be forgotten and back to normal but it has been on my mind every day since. I KNOW he fucked her, but I have no evidence and he denies it, I just feel it in my heart. I found things out from him even after he came clean and said he had already told me everything. When he gets home from work all he does is park his ass in front of the TV, eat, shit, piss, or smoke. I know he works hard and allows me to be at home with our children, I appreciate that and I thought I showed him that everyday. Even though he comes home from work everyday it just feels like he isn't there. I am so fucking lonely and depressed right now and he doesn't even realize there is anything wrong. I know he isn't a mind reader but how do I come out and say "I'm not happy" in a way without him getting all pissed off. How do I ask him if there is someone else? I feel like I want it be over with already, but I don't want to put my kids through that mess. I don't WANT to be without him, honestly, I love him and care so deeply about him but its like he doesn't feel the same, at least he doesn't act like it. I don't just want to give up either and that is why I gave him a chance after he did what he did last year. I've been broken since I found out about him cheating, I admit, but I feel like he isn't taking responsibility for what he did/does wrong and just finds excuses or blames it on me or the kids. I'm far from perfect. I know I need to work on myself. I know I am harboring a lot of things inside. I just need him to randomly look me in the eyes, hold me, and tell me that he is happy; That he loves our kids and our family and me and wants this to last forever. Once in a while (even once a year would be nice) show me somehow that I am appreciated and needed even if I truly am not. Instead I have to ask him daily "are you okay", "you look upset", "are you happy?", "is there anything more you need from me?". He cuts off mid-sentence so he can say whatever he needs to say even it is irrelevant to what I am trying to say. Me or the kids are trying to talk to him and we are trying to get his attention and I have to scream his name 30 times before he pays us any attention. I have to scream his name 30 times to let him know that his 3 year old daughter wants to tell him something. It makes me SICK. I can't stand living like this anymore.
[This message edited by cannotheal90 at 11:02 AM, July 19th (Friday)]
What did you do to heal from the past infidelity? What work did he do to make himself a safe partner? To ensure he would not make the same destructive choices again?
An affair last year is remarkably fresh; it's unusual for a remorseful spouse who really GETS what he did to behave the way your husband is now behaving.
To me, it sounds as though the affair went underground. That it never ended, and that now that he's feeling that you're far enough out, he's getting bolder (and in deeper). His actions---the lack of connection, in particular, are really, really worrisome.
Please, stop asking him whether he is happy. He's not concerned with YOUR happiness and well-being.
Instead, consider your options--all of them. You have a husband who cheats. At very best, he is not willing to do what he needs to do to repair the damage he's done. At worst, he's in his affair still, or in another.
Is this okay with you? If not, you have some tough decisions to make. No, you don't have to make them today. But you have to decide whether this is a man with whom real reconciliation is possible.
Not all are. And because I had one of them, I know how much it hurts.
Millions of hugs to you.
ETA: I'd read, in the FAQs for BSs (in the healing library, located in the yellow box to the left), #1, which discusses the 180. This describes one very helpful method to give you enough emotional distance to really start seeing things more clearly in order to make wise decisions. Among its recommendations will be that you no longer ask your husband whether he is happy. Fuck his cake-eating happiness. He does not care about your happiness now. You need to.
[This message edited by solus sto at 12:18 PM, July 19th (Friday)]
His adultery/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.
Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem - it is not a marital problem. Although obviously, infidelity has a profound impact on a marriage - just like drug/alcohol addiction and verbal/physical abuse. No one "pushes" or forces another into infidelity any more than forcing them to be a heroin or meth addict. They are deep-seeded personal issues they must address and personal choices they make.
From personal experience, my suggestion would be to go bold and aggressive immediately.
DO NOT accept blame. Ever.
DO NOT beg or plead. Ever
Allow your anguish to become anger and use the anger in a controlled manner. Adopt a cold, steely, and determined demeanor.
Consult with an attorney to get an idea of your rights.
FILE for divorce and have him served with the divorce petition. Now, that doesn't mean you are now getting divorced. You can put it on hold or dismiss it at any time.
The point here is that he hasn't faced any consequences for his selfish and destructive actions. Right now, he has solidly in mind that what he is doing is justified because he can project all the guilt and shame onto you. It is quite the path of least resistance for him. Keep in mind, he knows very well he is doing something to you that he would never want you, or anyone else, to do to him.
Filing will send the message to him that you are no longer going to tolerate this shit and are forcing him to face consequences. It will send the message that his value to you has plummeted. And mostly, it will send the message that you value YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN more than this Jerry Springer bullshit that he has heaped upon you and your family.
If you want more proof, I'd suggest going quiet and planting a device. A VAR (voice activated recorder) under his seat in the car is the best bet.
During this time, play nice and wait if possible.
If you trust your gut and that's enough - file.
Fuck him. He has shown you who he is. Trust your instincts.
By filing - it shows you have had enough. Whether that's enough for him to end his activities will be on him.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me twice, now what?!?!
I don't just want to give up either and that is why I gave him a chance after he did what he did last year.
show me somehow that I am appreciated and needed even if I truly am not
If you want proof then you need to go into stealth mode and put a key logger on his computer a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle and do some research on spyware fOr his phone.
If you want to make this work he needs to deal with what he did and how he is behaving now. This means that you have to demand the respect you deserve. Until you are able to do that he will continue.
Three things I tell every newbie you need to do.
1. Go to the Dr and get STD tested
2. Make sure you are takin care of you. Eat, Sleep, stay hydrated. If you ate struggling with that let the dr know when you get tested and get a little chemical support to get you through.
3. Go see a lawyer. You may not want to D but you also don't want to spend the rest of your life in this hell.any women choose to stay because they are "stuck" this is not true. Talk to the lawyer find out what your rights are an how things wod play out should you D. Knowledge is power and power provides strength.
Lastly know that his choices and behaviors have 0 I repeat ZERO to do with you. Do not let him beat down your esteem and strength by constantly belittling you. That's a way for him to justify his shotty behavior.
Welcome hugs and strength.
Keep posting there's a lot of us here with lots of experience.