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accept and forgive

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cuppacoffee posted 7/19/2013 11:57 AM

how long after d day did it take you if you did?

confused615 posted 7/19/2013 12:02 PM

I forgave him at 3 months out. Then realized I was just on an upswing on the roller coaster,lol.

I have anot accepted what he did. Every time I try to focus on WHAT he did,I can NOT do it. It is just unfathomable to me. I mean,I KNOW he did *this* but I can not accept it. Im still in shock,I think?

Forgiveness would require him to be honest with me. I can't forgive unless I have the truth. So,I haven't forgiven. I've come to realize I need to be able to forgive him. The anger...the rage...the pain...is eating me alive. But,until he can be honest with me,I can't do it.

So..to answer your questions,lol,I will be 3 years out in a few weeks..still waiting.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/19/2013 12:05 PM

I feel it is different for everyone, and that it isn't a one time thing, it is a process. I am 3 years into the process and I really don't have any angst over forgiving or not, however, I do realize that to reconcile at some point you do need to come to a point of acceptance or forgiveness. I am very well into that process.

Personally, I feel a lot of members here waste a lot of time agonizing over the acceptance and forgiveness thing. I don't feel a BS or WS should worry about that in the beginning. There are so many other things to be worked on. In the process of working on all the issues as a team together, one day you may realize that you have started to accept and forgive. For most, I don't feel it is a lightening flash of acceptance/or forgiveness, but rather the slow recovery from a terrible storm.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/19/2013 12:13 PM

I forgave him at about 6 months after DDay. Took it back 48 hours later. Figured out I was nowhere near true forgiveness at all, just hopeful at the moment I said it.

It took me about 2 years after DDay to reach acceptance, and took another 6 months after that to reach true forgiveness. It's now been 3 years since forgiveness and I'm positive that it was true when I gave it and still is today.

seekingtomorrow posted 7/19/2013 12:20 PM

I long to be able to say ive forgiven you, but I know that that is based on me wanting to make him happy, since dday one of the thing I have realised about myself is that Im too focused on making other people happy and I am trying to focus more on making myself happy, its hard as im not entirely sure what even makes me happy as its been so long since I really looked at myself, but im getting there and learning,

TXBW68 posted 7/19/2013 14:08 PM

He's been home for 5 months now. Most days I think I have accepted what he did but then I find another little nugget of information and it sets me back.

I'm not ready to say "I forgive you" yet...but I have hope that one day those words come out of my mouth.

stunnedin12 posted 7/19/2013 14:42 PM

Fourteen months from d-day, 11 months from the first break in no contact, 9 months from second break in no contact and 3 months from third break in no contact.

No acceptance or forgiveness in sight....

npain posted 7/19/2013 14:59 PM

I'm 2 weeks short of the 2 year mark. i have accepted what he has done, but the forgiveness thing I am fighting with. They say that it is easier when you have a remorseful spouse, but in my cas, he is still trying to blame me for his actions so I'm not holding my breath on the remorse part. In my case it was a double betrayal, so I have twice as much to forgive. And he is STILL doing disgusting things so it is slowing down the process. I'm pushing to do it, though as I realize I need to move on with my life. But I'm hoping that by the 3 year mark I will be able to forgive all, it really is a process...

pewpewpew posted 7/19/2013 17:36 PM

The depth of the hurt and pain that my WH has bestowed upon me is too much to forgive.

I will never forgive him for this. In time, I do hope to come to an acceptance. I am just now at a year out and do not see this happening in the near future.

I struggled with should I forgive? Since I've come to terms with my decision, I've learned that yes, I am healing but true forgiveness will take some time. And that's ok.

RightTrack posted 7/19/2013 18:18 PM

I can't imagine I'll ever forgive him (thought from 15 months out). I think that as time goes by it just won't be in the forefront of my mind anymore.

jjsr posted 7/19/2013 18:47 PM

I am a little over 2 weeks away from the first dday. I have accepted it. Forgiveness is something I struggle with daily. The MC keeps saying forgiveness is for me, not him. Intellectually, I know this. I wish someone would explain it to my heart.

Williesmom posted 7/19/2013 20:03 PM

I am 7 years out from the first affair, 5 years out from the D.

I have accepted what he did, but I will never forgive him. I'm ok with that.

boontje posted 7/19/2013 20:16 PM

After two years, I have finally reached acceptance. Forgiveness is a work in progress.

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/19/2013 20:23 PM

I am one week short of my 2nd antiversary. I have accepted what he did as I really have no control over that. It happened, and as much I would like to, I can't change the past. As far as forgiveness goes, I am no where close to forgiving him, and at this point doubt I ever will.

Itstoohard posted 7/19/2013 20:31 PM

I'm not concerned about forgiving. My goal is to accept and most days I feel pretty close. The A is easier than the following years of lies and meanness. That is going to be a real challenge to accept all those years.

jjct posted 7/19/2013 21:11 PM

Sister said

it is different for everyone

I believe it is the same. It is something the true heart longs for. Truth being that which never changes.

Every situation is different, (you're right sister MS!) and the journey from your brain to your heart is different - for everybody.
Still,
the truth remains.
It is the one thing
that doesn't change.

The only truth is change?
Funny, since truth is that which that does not change.

see here:
http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/Forgiveness.html
(ht to trustedher)

twokids posted 7/19/2013 22:04 PM

It took about 3 years of continued DDays (I'm a slow learner) for me to accept he will never be the husband I want.

As for forgiveness, I don't think he ever wanted it bad enough to actually earn it. Sure, he did the showy things so he could to take credit for his effort, like going to MC. But there wasn't any results. Being truthful in MC, or monogamous and faithful wasn't something he was going to bother about. Not if it meant he'd have to grow up.

tryin2havefaith posted 7/19/2013 23:47 PM

It's taken 2 years of hard work but have come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

We are still working in MC, and focus is now on just us. Building back that wall around US.

Forgiveness is yet another milestone on this long journey for me. Did I have to, no, I chose to. He is completely remorseful and doing the hard work in R, this helps greatly.

Housefulloflove posted 7/19/2013 23:58 PM

It took me about 4-5 months to accept that he is a disordered jackass and I am currently working on forgiving myself for choosing him as a husband and father for my children. I know that isn't what you mean though.

8 months after discovering the emotional affair and about 6 months after the final DDay of a physical affair and I am nowhere near the "I forgive him" point. The fact that he has caused so much grief AFTER the affair and is incapable of apologizing or seeking forgiveness will probably make that moment a LOOOOONNG time coming.

thecosmogirl posted 7/20/2013 00:03 AM

I used to always say I never forgive nor forget.
This was said many times over many years before I was handed this shit sandwich.
I was referring to friends who had betrayed me. Never thought this might come into play with my husband.

So with being just over a month out of Dday.....I just don't know yet.

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