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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: accept and forgive
♀ 39313
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how long after d day did it take you if you did?

I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgave him at 3 months out. Then realized I was just on an upswing on the roller coaster,lol.

I have anot accepted what he did. Every time I try to focus on WHAT he did,I can NOT do it. It is just unfathomable to me. I mean,I KNOW he did *this* but I can not accept it. Im still in shock,I think?

Forgiveness would require him to be honest with me. I can't forgive unless I have the truth. So,I haven't forgiven. I've come to realize I need to be able to forgive him. The anger...the rage...the eating me alive. But,until he can be honest with me,I can't do it. answer your questions,lol,I will be 3 years out in a few weeks..still waiting.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel it is different for everyone, and that it isn't a one time thing, it is a process. I am 3 years into the process and I really don't have any angst over forgiving or not, however, I do realize that to reconcile at some point you do need to come to a point of acceptance or forgiveness. I am very well into that process.

Personally, I feel a lot of members here waste a lot of time agonizing over the acceptance and forgiveness thing. I don't feel a BS or WS should worry about that in the beginning. There are so many other things to be worked on. In the process of working on all the issues as a team together, one day you may realize that you have started to accept and forgive. For most, I don't feel it is a lightening flash of acceptance/or forgiveness, but rather the slow recovery from a terrible storm.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13445 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgave him at about 6 months after DDay. Took it back 48 hours later. Figured out I was nowhere near true forgiveness at all, just hopeful at the moment I said it.

It took me about 2 years after DDay to reach acceptance, and took another 6 months after that to reach true forgiveness. It's now been 3 years since forgiveness and I'm positive that it was true when I gave it and still is today.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 39068
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I long to be able to say ive forgiven you, but I know that that is based on me wanting to make him happy, since dday one of the thing I have realised about myself is that Im too focused on making other people happy and I am trying to focus more on making myself happy, its hard as im not entirely sure what even makes me happy as its been so long since I really looked at myself, but im getting there and learning,

D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012
D-day 3 September 10th 2015

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been home for 5 months now. Most days I think I have accepted what he did but then I find another little nugget of information and it sets me back.

I'm not ready to say "I forgive you" yet...but I have hope that one day those words come out of my mouth.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fourteen months from d-day, 11 months from the first break in no contact, 9 months from second break in no contact and 3 months from third break in no contact.

No acceptance or forgiveness in sight....

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse

Lawyers involved.

Posts: 689 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 33539
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 2 weeks short of the 2 year mark. i have accepted what he has done, but the forgiveness thing I am fighting with. They say that it is easier when you have a remorseful spouse, but in my cas, he is still trying to blame me for his actions so I'm not holding my breath on the remorse part. In my case it was a double betrayal, so I have twice as much to forgive. And he is STILL doing disgusting things so it is slowing down the process. I'm pushing to do it, though as I realize I need to move on with my life. But I'm hoping that by the 3 year mark I will be able to forgive all, it really is a process...

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The depth of the hurt and pain that my WH has bestowed upon me is too much to forgive.

I will never forgive him for this. In time, I do hope to come to an acceptance. I am just now at a year out and do not see this happening in the near future.

I struggled with should I forgive? Since I've come to terms with my decision, I've learned that yes, I am healing but true forgiveness will take some time. And that's ok.

BS - 32
DDay 1: July 2012 - EA with COW
DDay 2: March 2015; same COW

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.

Fool me twice, now what?!?!

Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine I'll ever forgive him (thought from 15 months out). I think that as time goes by it just won't be in the forefront of my mind anymore.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a little over 2 weeks away from the first dday. I have accepted it. Forgiveness is something I struggle with daily. The MC keeps saying forgiveness is for me, not him. Intellectually, I know this. I wish someone would explain it to my heart.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 7 years out from the first affair, 5 years out from the D.

I have accepted what he did, but I will never forgive him. I'm ok with that.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 33247
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After two years, I have finally reached acceptance. Forgiveness is a work in progress.

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011

Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.

--Theodore Roosevelt

Posts: 1359 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 32912
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am one week short of my 2nd antiversary. I have accepted what he did as I really have no control over that. It happened, and as much I would like to, I can't change the past. As far as forgiveness goes, I am no where close to forgiving him, and at this point doubt I ever will.

Me-BW 47, now 52
SAWH 48, now 54
Married 25 years, now 30 years
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 37629
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not concerned about forgiving. My goal is to accept and most days I feel pretty close. The A is easier than the following years of lies and meanness. That is going to be a real challenge to accept all those years.

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 215 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister said
it is different for everyone

I believe it is the same. It is something the true heart longs for. Truth being that which never changes.

Every situation is different, (you're right sister MS!) and the journey from your brain to your heart is different - for everybody.
the truth remains.
It is the one thing
that doesn't change.

The only truth is change?
Funny, since truth is that which that does not change.

see here:
(ht to trustedher)

Posts: 7269 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 23266
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took about 3 years of continued DDays (I'm a slow learner) for me to accept he will never be the husband I want.

As for forgiveness, I don't think he ever wanted it bad enough to actually earn it. Sure, he did the showy things so he could to take credit for his effort, like going to MC. But there wasn't any results. Being truthful in MC, or monogamous and faithful wasn't something he was going to bother about. Not if it meant he'd have to grow up.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
♀ 37165
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's taken 2 years of hard work but have come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

We are still working in MC, and focus is now on just us. Building back that wall around US.

Forgiveness is yet another milestone on this long journey for me. Did I have to, no, I chose to. He is completely remorseful and doing the hard work in R, this helps greatly.

DDay 9/2011
4-6 months of TT'ing
11/2012- Thanks for the HPV!!!
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects"-

Posts: 267 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me about 4-5 months to accept that he is a disordered jackass and I am currently working on forgiving myself for choosing him as a husband and father for my children. I know that isn't what you mean though.

8 months after discovering the emotional affair and about 6 months after the final DDay of a physical affair and I am nowhere near the "I forgive him" point. The fact that he has caused so much grief AFTER the affair and is incapable of apologizing or seeking forgiveness will probably make that moment a LOOOOONNG time coming.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to always say I never forgive nor forget.
This was said many times over many years before I was handed this shit sandwich.
I was referring to friends who had betrayed me. Never thought this might come into play with my husband.

So with being just over a month out of Dday.....I just don't know yet.

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Topic Posts: 28
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