SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hello, my WW had an EA with a single male. I found out about a month ago when "he said I don't think your husband would approve."

Anyhow made some demands, and wife is following all - NC, email PW, phone, she is going to counselling today.

As well I purchased the book "Not just friends" and last night she read it for an hour. We talked after and she said that she really thinks the book is going to help her understand what she did, why she did it and red flags and warnings so it won't happen in the future. She explained that she was happy in the quiz that she scored low on the EA vs friendship. She is sorry she hurt me. Glad that the other male had stopped her. That she previously would not have thought an EA was in the cards because she was not interested sexually. She also is so sorry she hurt me but thinks the book will give her strategies and will be a great thing for us to both read and talk about.

So as she was saying all that I was getting weird feelings. Maybe part of me thinks that she is using the book to figure out what I need so she can "fake" what I need to hear.

Did anyone have a similar experience. Any ideas why I might jump to her faking her efforts and interest in the book?

Yes, but we have a long history of that type of manipulating behavior.

Has she ever done that type of thing before?

I can relate, both my fWH and my mother are good at "saying the right thing". If R is going to happen for you then her words will match her actions and more importantly her actions will be consistent.

Have you felt verbally manipulated by her in the past? During her EA? Pre-EA? If so, then take her words with a grain of salt, and watch her actions.

What about emotion? Has she cried? Has she had that "OMG, what have I done?" moment? I did, when I started reading about infidelity and realized that a long-standing "friendship" I had with an older man was more like an EA... If that book is helping so much, she should want to read it. Ask her in a week from now if she picked it up again.

Look for positive signs but vigilant. Have you set other conditions for R, other things that will help you feel safe?

Unfortunately my WS has a history of manipulating my words and twisting it to her favour. As well she is a very good actress.

I will look at her actions. She really wants to read the book and work on the books suggestions. She wants to, and is going to counselling today to find out "why she did it" She is doing many things.

Actually I am feeling better after reading the book myself. I agree with the points that were made. Its a long read, not something you read in a day.

I believe the book will work best if we read separate, then discuss afterwards. I am finding the book to be a good resource.

If she likes reading and finds it helpful. There is a thread in wayward you should print for her. "Things a WS needs to know". Andanother great book is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

I hope for you it is genuine. My fWS was so sick of her own behavior that she seems to be really putting in the effort. Changing and growing for herself. Its really beautiful to watch.

I hope that is your case as well.

You need to start snooping. Phone, e-mail, Facebook, even a VAR.

Look for consistency in actions, not just a one off. If her actions match her words for over a few weeks, with her own drive (I.e. you don't need to keep pushing her in the right direction), then you may have a winner. I had the same from my WW, and I ended up with the feeling that the reason she tracked the books and forums was to get an insight into my play book and manipulate the correct outcome from her foggy perspective. IMHO, in the long run, it'll never work. Remember the key word for actions is CONSISTENCY .