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Markay81 posted 7/19/2013 12:45 PM

I am having one of those days. You know one of those days were 1 particular thing about the A consumes you. My WH had a ton in common with the OW. They both liked hunting, fishing, the same music ect. I like all them things also. Not like H does, I can take it or leave it. It used to never bother me that we didn't have a lot in common. Because we just made it work. It was never a problem. But today it is really bothering me. Them thoughts that OW was so compatible with MY H. I have brought this up to my WH and he tells me he has stuff in common with lots of other people. Yes this is true but he didn't have an A with them other people. We really are opposites. I have even had people ask us how we have been together for so long because they can even see we are polar opposites. I used to be able to say because we just make it work for us. But today ugh the doubt's are seeping in. This also makes me angry because if he wouldn't have chose to be a selfish ass I would have NEVER had these doubts. I do understand the reality that my WH is a broken man who needs to fix himself. But just because I understand the reality of it doesn't change how I feel about it.

musiclovingmom posted 7/19/2013 13:46 PM

I feel you on this. My H's last OW was his first love. She and I are both educators (she's teaches preschool and is working toward an elementary Ed degree - which I've bad for years). But, the two of them liked the same kind of music and have the same sense of humor. I read somewhere that rekindled old flames have a high rate of lasting marriage (72-75%) and if the two people were each other's first loves it's even higher. I went into a tailspin and even told my husband he has a better chance of staying married if he divorces me and marries her. He was not impressed. That self-doubt sucks. I'm kinda stuck there right now. Every step I think I take forward only lands me back exactly where I was. Hang in there. There has to be a way through this too.

kiki1 posted 7/19/2013 13:48 PM

(((markay)))

You're so much more valuable than the ow.

What they had in common doesnt matter. of course they would have things in common. Dont let it bother you anymore.

you know, they also have in common that they cheat, lie and destroy families.

you arent that and dont want to be. take pride in it.

Knowing posted 7/19/2013 14:03 PM

^^^Kiki is spot on.

I try to focus on 2 truths to help me get over the insecurity I feel:

1. Even with everything My fWH and MCOW supposedly had in common (career, interests, etc) it wasn't enough to take him away from me in any permanent way

2. What fWH and MCOW had together was shallow, false, manufactured, delusional, full of lies only they believed, and had nothing to do with reality

With some good, solid Time in R a closeness and intimacy that has nothing to do with common interests will become possible.

Take care of yourself. I hope you find peace.

crossroads2010 posted 7/19/2013 14:17 PM

rekindled old flames have a high rate of lasting marriage (72-75%) and if the two people were each other's first loves it's even higher.

This worries me a little...he had a with her 25 years ago and 4 years ago...I didn't know about the first A until the second A ...that was my dday to find ut about both. I don't know if they had a lot in common back then...they were teens, but they DID NOT have much in common 4 years ago other than the feelings for each other. On the other hand, he and I have been together since our teens and DO have a fair amount in common, but also our own interests. I don't think it matters that much....I look at it like this...old flame or new flame....they did not have the life together ...the longevity, the day to day stuff, memores, events, etc., etc...
sometimes I imagine him if I left and he could never see me again, but he was free to be with her...how would he feel about never seeing me? Then I wonder how he feels about the fact that he can never see her again and if he really intends to NEVER talk to her or see her again...
Your dday was not that long ago and you are still in the stage where you just need to understand why her? It will never make any sense and at some point, you will not be consumed by it...by her. At some point, you be so repulsed by the thought of her that you have to force yourself to think about her. For now, focus on YOU mostly..not him...not her ...not thoughts of them...it will become more normal after a while.